Transcript for Armchair Anonymous: House Sitting

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Absolutely, trusted brand. Look for vital farms in your grocery store and learn more at vitalfarms.com. Vital farms, keeping it bullsh** free. Welcome, welcome, welcome to armchair anonymous. Buck Henkley, and I'm joined by Monster Mash. Monster Mash is a cookie boy, everybody. Meet the cookie boy Monster Mash. Today is crazy house sitting stories. One of these stories had us just absolutely, howling out of our mind. It's impossible.

It is, it left hook.

I'm not going to spoil, but I do believe everyone is free to listen to this one, just glancing at the four stories. Yeah. Yeah. This one's good. Safe. Give it a shot. But it's been a while. You probably haven't listened a couple months. So please enjoy crazy house sitting stories.

Those are windows. Can you hear us?

Yeah. Can you hear us talking about your four? It weirdly looks like a wooden ship from the 1300s.

Why do you have such a nice mic setup?

So the fact that you want to go by Phoebe is exciting because it makes me think this house sitting story potentially has legal ramifications, which is a great setup.

We'll go with it. Okay, so where in the world does this house sitting story happen?

A lot of states come to mind. You've got Utah, Colorado, Montana.

Yeah, I would love this.

I see what's happening. Oh, you just. Thank you. As soon as I heard the Rachel, I felt like she was playing into the choir.

We can't have Monica as a character in this story.

And how often was mom checking in on you? Is she calling like every 45 minutes to make sure everything was groovy?

She was taking the night off as well. She was acting like an adult.

Okay. And really quick, did you have a plan on how you were going to replace them before the next day?

Oh god. And you know immediately what it is.

Oh my god, what could be more exciting for a couple of 18 year olds and stumble upon the rabbit and incorporate it into their brand new experimenting.

Did Chandler spend the night?

Okay, also Chandler should have fucking shown up with a 12 pack of blood like what on earth? Why have that thing? You knew you were going to drink.

He was. He's at fault. Yeah.

Oh, why don't go that far?

You're like crossing the border with a kilo in your luggage.

Knowing what you've shared. You've shared a lover.

Did you go all the way? Did you tell her about the rabbit? Oh, yeah. Oh, one of what a moment to share on Mother's Day.

First of all, I want to recommend everyone. This is a Raymond Carver story. It's one of the best short stories ever. There's a couple house sitting for another couple's apartment and they just can't stop going in there and looking at all their stuff and just like, yeah, and it's so amusing and I think relatable.

Because you wouldn't be embarrassed that you drank some of her beer.

Well, and I'm afraid people will call me perverted for saying this, but it's like, I would be delighted to know that someone did that in my house.

This is a win.

You had a great night with Chandler. Even with Chandler.

Oh, yeah. Wonderful. Wonderful. Well, Phoebe, so nice meeting you.

Alright, we'll be well and thanks so much for telling us that.

We can hear your voice, but your face is still a mystery.

Well, it'd be interesting to see if AI does trick us at any point. Yeah. Yeah. But you're clearly not AI.

I have been to Pizmo to those dunes, but my dunes are glamourous south on the Mexican border, but I do love that area. But you're kelp holly?

You know I spent a lot more time right by you as a Tascadero, because when I very first came to California in a road trip with Aaron Weekly, our friend from Michigan was visiting his cousins that lived in a Tascadero, and we ended up spending tons of time there. Cool, okay. Okay, so you have a crazy house sitting story and it would take place in San Luis Obespo.

Hippies. Well, oh.

They're kind of captive cats.

And they smell freedom. They're going to spray.

He may know that.

And I get it. They're not judgmental of the cat for having a free meal.

Great heads up. You don't need to call the cops on them. They're good.

Was it walled the wall carpet or was it a rug?

Yes. Yes.

No, you can't. Maybe they'll see one run away, but that's about it.

Oh, okay.

Oh, that's not too bad. It's not midnight.

Oh, I would not expect that.

He had applied to Berkeley.

You guys would also be ready to walk right into the film and television business because there are people who age and they make sets. that have to look lived in. So there's a whole science to aging thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you guys would have been ready to start.

Yeah, great to meet you now. Love to fly to ourselves and think Joe's listening, but I think it's low probability. It's the four cats in one dog that would be the giveaway.

I think he would be delighted at your resource.

So the only thing he really screwed him over on is he was missing the towel, I guess.

Yeah, it's all right. It is a big victory. Yeah, I love it. Big win, big test, and you rose to the occasion.

Yes. Oh, that was tasty. Thank you for saying.

And I called him a step before I even knew that.

Well, it's so nice meeting you, Allie.

We love that. All right. Take care.

We are supported by better help. It feels like a lot has happened this year. There's barely even summer. We want to India for by George.

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Oh, boy. I kind of need to peruse there to stalk the downstairs.

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Yes, is it Malini?

What is Rob Domey was? It says all kinds of weirds. I'm just like, I have to defer to people.

Melanie, we got it now. Where are you Melanie?

Omaha, Nebraska. I don't think we've ever had an Omaha, Nebraska.

Made famous by Omaha Stakes.

A lot of beef.

Well, there's a lot of cattle.

A couple of boots.

Lincoln Nebraska. I've driven through a couple dozen times.

No, but that would be great.

On our way to the land of Lincoln, Illinois. OK, so you have crazy house city in story.

Were you with an agency like how did you cobbled together that many clients?

classic marketing, right?

Was it a nice house? Was it like a big upgrade from where you were living?

kind of abstract, but okay.

Yeah. And then also just linked to the sporting event.

I feel your game plan, but alas.

And are we calling this prostitution with adult sex trafficking? And I just want to be clear on what do we even know it is? Did he mean murderous being held captive?

I got this house.

Got a rando in the basement.

And he was like, no, you've just not thought it might be the bicyclist.

I'm just confused as you are.

Oh, my God. His tone has changed.

And you were... At this point, you now realize all this.

Okay.

He revamped. This is a wardrobe.

Did not see that coming.

Well, hold on, rightly so. So Brad, sure he's a wonderful guy, but also my god, let go of the old cars. You have made so much work for years. And you got $500 and the guy is still the same person.

You're illuminating on it and grumpy. I mean, that's a lot of power to give. He made himself much bigger victim by his reaction.

Wow. This was karma going like you want some real problems.

Yeah, that's true.

Oh, wow. Well, you're so sweet. You are. That's the headline of this story.

And you didn't have to feel as guilty as you did.

You just go like, yeah, this should happen. And everyone's alive.

I kind of want you to know how to sit for us.

All right. Wonderful. Well, lovely meeting you. Thanks for telling us that story.

I was sweet. Of course you'd let her watch your house.

Yeah. His terrible house sitting stories when he left someone's in his Chuck Taylor's. We're going. Tyler.

Oh, Robbie Robb said that's right where he grew up. Neighbors. I'm high school at Fram. At where friend? Frammed. You know, Frammed High School?

Okay, did you move here as an adult?

neighbor to Wabiwap. Yeah, maybe one day you have children that'll end up going to.

That terrible name. It's like, is it friend? But do they miss Spell?

Friend. It's terrible. Okay. How did you spell that Wabiwap? F-R-E-M-D. Fuck that. Terrible. Okay. Tyler, please, you have a house sitting story for us.

I know a very well-bobboed and Kirk's from there.

Oh my god, hold on, we were just handed photos of this scene. I don't think that listener can even imagine the amount of destruction.

That is happened in this kitchen and I'm immediately curious how the fuck you slept through whatever it happened.

Okay, wait. Okay, so the dog's freaking out. You look over. There's shit everywhere.

Well, like a 9.6. Yeah.

Oh, that's a good Tyler. What on earth are you gonna tell them?

Yep. Looking at these pictures again, we're gonna have to somehow post them or something. There's no explanation. You gotta have an explanation before you call him right.

Oh my god. It's like a folder of guys in the house.

So he blew through the side of the garage, not the garage door. Yes. Oh my fucking God.

Yeah, like right there's a he came all behind the book.

I can't believe you did that way. How an earth Tyler, did you not wake up?

That's a joke you'd say to your partner like you sleep so deep a fucking truck could run through here and you would be the wake up. Like I even wonder if the dog hadn't been barking if you would have just woke up the next day.

Yeah, he's going another 30 miles an hour. Still wasn't a woke up.

Oh, my God. Oh, oopsies. That's a mistake that shouldn't really be able to be made because a gas line, if the things in line with the gas pipe, it's on and if it's perpendicular, it's off. That's how they're made.

Oh, he shouldn't be more alert. Just seeing that curve coming.

So he got arrested. Yeah. Hopefully ended up in treatment.

It's a good story in an A meeting. Did you get eyes on him that night?

Yeah, you got to get out of it.

Let's go. Wow. Are we allowed to post those pictures? Do you think the homeowner would be fine with that? Yeah. Yeah. I think we got a post those. I don't think anyone would realize how insanely damaging this event is. How funny they are trying to make. Yeah. Trying to make sense of the kitchen that literally just self detonated.

I'm so glad I saw it in the order I did. Yeah, that's great. Oh, Tyler, that's a fucking home run of a story. I mean, all the drawers are thrown out. The island's been shoved forward.

Your explanation was smart, which is like, oh, there is a gas explosion. It does look like everything exploded off the wall.

The oven is gone. It's nowhere.

Oh, thank God. Just a card drove through the house.

She drove the car through the home to the home. Yeah. On Coke and drunk. No, unfortunately, just childish old fashioned way.

Oh, Tyler, thank you so much for sharing that story with us. That was great.

Well, thank you Zowar for turning Tyler onto the show and I'm so delighted you guys listen.

Yeah, really. These pictures that fucking car just buried sideways in the garage.

You're seeing this car.

Yeah. And you know, this garage is only like 10 feet wide. Exactly. And there's a whole car in the side.

I was right. You're not seeing the bumper sticking out of the kitchen wall and these other photos. Yeah. Yeah. That fucking oven is gone.

All right. Oh, that was a blast. Fine. Love you.