Transcript for Audrina Patridge: Surviving an Abusive Relationship (FBF) [VIDEO]

You know, I guess what really inspired me was all the DMs from my fans. And just what I've been through throughout the years, they were always writing me wanting advice or to know how I got through this so they could relate to me. And at the time, what I was going through is sometimes it was so humiliating and I get so hard down on myself, but reading that lifted me back up, knowing that I'm not alone. So that kind of inspired me to think, okay, well, this is my chance to Answer all those questions in one place, everything from the hills to my relationships to basically everything that's out there in the media or gossip or whatever that I've always bit my tongue I never said anything I just let people say whatever they wanted about me. Well, this is my chance to really put it all in one place and set the record straight.

Extremely. There were a lot of moments where I would break down and it was so hard for me and You know, my ghost writer, Jen Schuster, who is amazing. She was almost like my therapist through it all. And I would cry and she would talk through it. And she's, I was like, I don't, I can't put that in there. And she's like, Adrina, this you have to. You know, so is very therapeutic. And I got through it and the more I talked about it and the more I kept having to read the book over and over. And it's almost like I conquered something that I don't, I don't cry about anymore. It's like it was very healing.

We're going all in and that's what I said. I want to be vulnerable. I want to be honest. I want to be open. So if I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it the right way.

So I was actually, I moved to LA. So I was going to night school in Orange County and I wanted to be a psychologist. So I had to drop out of college. I'm community college because I was going to get dropped and I was like, you know what, I'm just going to move to LA and give it a shot. So the place I was looking at didn't have anything available. And I met these two girls in the elevator and they overheard me talking. They're from Oklahoma and they needed a roommate. So it was just, that fell into place. So I ended up moving in with these two girls I didn't know. And then we were laying out at the pool one day and Adam's a fellow who was there scouting for Lauren and Heidi came up to us and you know I thought he was this kind of cheesy producer like here we go again some guy hitting on us like What's your club? But he was scouting for the Lauren's Lauren from Laguna Beach, which I never watched, but I knew of her from tabloids and stuff. So he liked my story, liked that I had my go-to nights in LA that I was very connected. And then we started filming two or three weeks later, and I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

They didn't know what to think. They didn't even really know what I was getting myself into, but they're very supportive. And I moved to LA because I wanted to do acting. So I was already auditioning for, you know, music videos and commercials and this and that. So I figured why not reality TV. That's not even a thing. I knew like the Jessica Simpson had a show. So that's kind of what I was like, well, it seems okay. It'll make me comfortable with cameras. It was very uncomfortable. I hated it in the beginning because it's not just one camera. There's like three and there's lighting and there's people staring at you and it's a lot of pressure to be yourself and open up when you're just kind of thrown into that.

So I was actually the receptionist at Kyoto Studios and the first time we met, he was working there with Stephen Myzel on a shoot from Madonna and I was the receptionist so he kept walking in front of my desk back and forth and you could only go so far. And I was like, can I help you? He's like, oh, I'm just looking for some magazines. And I'm like, there's a stack of magazines on the table and there. And then he would come back and he wanted a drink. And then he would call the office all the time. And I'd be like, could I have to new in Kyoto Studios? And he'd be like, make funny sounds and just call me to talk. And we just started hanging out. And that's like before the hills.

I feel like, you know, Justin is a very mysterious man. Yes, you know when we first started dating an off camera Justin has the biggest heart and he's so caring and he listens and he actually cares and it's not just me it's whoever he's talking to he's truly connected and cares about what you're saying and wants to help and You know, I feel like when I brought him into the Hills drama, you know, he was kind of like, that's not his, that wasn't even my circle that I would ever go into because I was never a part of drama. So bringing him into that where he was instantly just like put on the spot. it kind of made him act out a little bit in his own way and then it's like he wanted it was like he didn't care but he did care so I got to see the Justin on camera and the Justin off camera which they kind of captured both and you know and after he watched the first or second season that he was on he didn't like how he behaved

Yes, because whenever there's cameras around, people act different. Yeah. And I've even going on other dates. Like, they just change people. But, you know, in Justin and I were very immature. We both played games with each other. So I can't just blame it all on him because I was doing the same thing. But I wish that they would have showed more of us just like hanging out. They just wanted the action side of it, the drama side of it because if we were just hanging out talking and talking about music or going and playing pool all the time, that's boring.

I don't think I've not in the beginning because we were so in the Hollywood scene and going out all the time and drinking and there's always temptation around and other people pulling us in different directions. But I think as we got closer, yes, we could have if we didn't have the producers always trying to put us at each other's neck and trying to get us jealous at each other to get a scene going.

My very first impression of Lauren when I met her with Heidi at the pool and then we went out. She wasn't the friendlyest person. She was very closed off and as we started filming I kind of started to understand why she was like that and why she didn't just welcome people instantly because people used her a lot and like would throw her under the bus or you know and I now I understand why she was like that but in the beginning she wasn't as friendly or welcoming.

She was so seasoned already. I feel like she had that experience. She was so comfortable with the cameras. She knew all the good one liners to say when the scene was ending what to do. Like, she knew exactly what she was a professional. She knew what she was doing.

Well, we ended up living together. We had the best time together. We laughed. We did everything together. You know, we had our ups and downs. Lauren is a very opinionated person and a very strong personality. And, you know, if she doesn't agree with something or like something, she's gonna say it. And that's very respectful. I liked that. because I don't like the black or the gray, like the black or white. But we had some wild times.

Okay.

We actually watched an episode for our podcast and Brody and Frankie were like, oh my gosh, you're even more and like, you don't even care what you guys looks like. You just roll down stairs after two hours of sleep because we had makeup down our face. Our lashes are hair. And I was like, we really didn't give a shit what we looked like. We just woke up and went downstairs to film.

You know, I think in the beginning, we didn't really care. We were all for it. We were young, wild, willing to do anything, and everything, because we were out every single night anyways. So it just made sense. Yeah, follow us. And we would drink, meet guys like we had no responsibilities. So young wild and free, you know? It's kind of like to live.

So my first impression when I first met Heidi, I met her at the pool and we instantly hit it off because Heidi is so outgoing and fun and friendly and like she lives in her own skin, you know, she is who she is and we actually hit it off immediately and we go out all the time dancing and like she'd come to my apartment and we would drink and laugh and tell jokes and we had the best time.

I mean, that's one thing I respect about Heidi and them or her expenses because they have stuck it out and they've been through so much and I mean, Heidi could have left him and had a whole different life but she loved him and she was willing to sacrifice and do whatever it took to make sure that that worked and yeah, they're still together.

Honestly, I feel good about it. I feel like it ran its course. I think this past new beginning season, we all got to a point where there were a lot of storylines at this point. A lot of my real life wasn't on the show. So I was all four of the storylines. There were a lot of the people were putting their real lives on the line and wanting to film their real lives. Like Heidi and I, you know, your real friendship gets put on the line because They're asking you to say and do things for the sake of the show, but then you're trying to have their back. But you're also trying to do what you're supposed to do to make a TV show. So that was really hard for me. And Heidi and I we ended up talking it out at the end. But in my mind, I had to separate my job from my real life. Like this is our job. Like let's make a good show.

I actually have a question for you. Yeah. I don't know if you know this or not, but they just announced yesterday, I think that there's a new cast for the Hills, a new young cast. I didn't know that. But yes, that there are it's a new Hills of a new generation. And it's more diverse. And it's about addictions and dating in LA again. And like, what do you think of that? Would you, I mean, I want to watch it just because, but I feel like

Yes. Yes.

I'm going to have to tune in. Can you have? I sent it to Brody yesterday as it wrote back. I was like, wait, they could have named it something else. I give this new cast a new name or something new.

Thank you very much.

You know, when I first met him through a mutual friend, I was going through the ups and downs with Justin, and I just felt like I needed something like a guy that was respected and respected in his own industry and had his own thing going on. So when I met him at first, I never, I didn't think of anything of it. He had a girlfriend, you know, a year goes by, this is when my space was a thing.

And, you know, our friend, it was just kind of happened organically just from hanging out. And then whenever he broke up with his girlfriend, he hit me up on my space. And Lauren and I decided to invite him to a Halloween party because we needed new guys. And we were hanging out with all these, or I was with these professional BMX writers, ex-games, and like, they're all hot, and like, You know, or I was like, okay, I know who don't invite. Like, we're inviting this group of guys. So that's an every first came on the show. And, you know, then we actually did have chemistry and I liked that he was respected. And, you know, he was very healthy and all about his career. And he's just had a whole different vibe about him than these LA guys.

Well, you know, whenever he would go on these tours all the time, I would always get Twitter messages from fans that watched the show and they would warn me and tell me that he was in a bar in Oregon that night, making out with his friend and they love me and they just want me to know. So whenever I would confront him, he of course would say, they're just lying to you because they don't want you to be happy. Their fans don't believe other people, you're gonna believe them over me. So then I started thinking, okay, well, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. And so I tried to block it out and constantly believe him because I didn't want to believe it, but I kept getting these messages. And then we were never ever dating like solidly consistently for more than like six months ever at a time until I got pregnant. because I was always filming or traveling and he was always gone, traveling and had his life. So it was this often on relationship where it's not a secret that it was toxic. I mean, there's pictures of me crying all the time on the street or, you know, there's footage of it everywhere.

It's like, so I always disregarded everything and I wanted to be in love. I loved him and I wanted it to work so bad that I was willing to change myself and do whatever to make him happy. That's a huge red flag. If someone doesn't trust you or they're constantly wanting you to delete your social media accounts or constantly wanting to go through your text messages and you're not allowed to talk or go on or you can't even go have a girls dinner without being blown up the whole time because you're being accused of going out to cheater there might be a guy there that you run into like those are all red flags run it almost I'm sure made you at times feel paranoid of like oh my god now I can't do any of this because he's gonna get mad and when you're thinking all the time about making sure your partner doesn't get mad like that's not yeah you're not even enjoying yourself so it for me it got to the point where you know I would rather not go out because I'd rather not have to deal with the fight and the accusations and it wasn't just like a day fight it would string out over like a week or something would happen and it would come back and like you know it was all projection and then If he thought I was cheating on him with one of my producers, you know, when I was on the travel show, and I didn't call him at a certain time when I was in bed, like hell would break loose. And then because of that, I wouldn't hear from him for three or four days, and then I'd find out he was with all these girls in his hotel room. So it was this really toxic struggle. Now girls that go through that and they see those red flags like pay attention.

And you usually start finding the truth out after, like, oh, that's the thing with my ex and our relationship. I would forgive. And then things would be amazing. And then I would find the truth out three months into us being amazing. And it would be like, not again.

They weren't aware of that. I tried to hide it from a lot of people because it's embarrassing, it's humiliating and that's after You know, I had my daughter and I wanted it to work. I had a hope, but it just gradually kept getting worse. And I thought if I if we got married and now we have this beautiful child together, like, things would be great. He could now know that I'm his, like, I'm not going to cheat on him, like, stop worrying about that. Like, this is my life now. So again, it was projection because coming home so late and calling me those names and making accusations and not having any self-control, that was a huge red flag too. And I hit it for a long time.

I had to because I remember when I'd see that it's like I had to get up the next day and go film and try to pretend like everything's fine. and I would cry, I kind of started to learn how to block it out and like show up with a smile, do what I needed to do and cry after. Like you just, it's like you turn it on when you need to, for cameras, because otherwise, and I, this happened with Heidi a lot. I would always, she knows me, so like we would start talking barely in a scene and she'd say one thing and then I couldn't hold it together and I just start crying. And they didn't show a lot of that, but it's like I couldn't help it. So it's hard, but whenever you see that, it's hard, I cried, I was mad. You know, I yelled, I was like, get out of my house, get out of my house now, and he wouldn't leave. He would not leave. So I would go sleep in the other room, and I would end up leaving my own house in the morning, and, you know, then he would be, it's my fault, because I wasn't giving enough attention. I didn't do this, or you know, so then it's like, what? Like, this is such a mind.

I know but then I would get a message from the girl because he called her and she would write me saying how he loves me so much and they just talk about me all the time and I'm like yeah, but I saw your entire vagina and what you wrote to him like how are you and your a fan but like you're going after my Boyfriend, like, what? It's just, it's weird.

Like a hundred percent. Yeah. And I remember he was, you know, there's these ups and downs, and especially once Kira was born, it's like the happiest I had ever seen him. And he was so excited to be a dad and just for this new chapter in our lives, you know, but things gradually got worse. I kept getting worse and worse and worse. Were you so lonely? Yeah, gosh, I want to get like, Terry, this is another, it's like hard to go back. Yeah. Um, I was, but I had my family. So I sold my LA house because I didn't feel safe there. And I, I took a break from TV and I was like, this is my life. Now I'm going to make it work. Like, I am, I'm such a fighter and so determined and You know, my main priority was my baby and making it work with him. And I moved in with my, you know, moved in with my parents. I was stayed with them until my house sold. I was back and forth. But I thankfully I had my family and friends.

I mean, they did, but they also knew that his career he was in, you know, Budapest or he was in Australia for three months or he had to be here like that was his job, but at least like don't disappear for four days.

Yeah, like so that drove me crazy and I again, that's something I didn't want anyone to know either because I was stressing out, but I didn't want it to appear like that. Like I really wanted it to work. So

Yes. You're my family and not focus on that. You kind of learn how just to change your focus, your priority and my priority is to be healthy for this baby and do whatever it takes no matter what happens, like this baby is my everything.

You know, when we were together with Kira, he was an amazing dad. You know, he made her laugh. He played with her. He'd bring me food. He'd, he was very helpful. But he was gone all the time. He was always gone. But that, you know, he couldn't just be with her. Yeah, to have all of his friends there and turn it into like a drinking fest. And it's like, can't you just be with your daughter one night or two nights just you and her and not make it a thing or like a friend thing?

Well, she had it. It was like stains all over the bass and that. And when I got home that day, I knew when I faced time to him and they were drinking and running around naked in the living room, the music was loud. I knew right then I was like, okay, your priorities are not right. Like, this isn't happening again. Because I think she was only four or five months. You know, you have to be, you can't drink or have too much fun. You have to be there, like mentally in case something happens or they wake up and they cry. You can't go drinking with your friends and then pass out with the baby upstairs.

There is so much. And I got married, you know, five months after I had my baby. And I remember my sister was there the night before and was even like, Trina, you don't have to do this. Like, let's get on a plane and let's go mom and dad'll handle it. Like, and I was like, I can't do that though. Like, we've gone this far. All of our families here from Australia from like everywhere is here. Like everyone's here on this island for a week and I was such a people pleaser at that point, which now I mean I've done so much healing and I've grown so much if I could go back things would be different. Um, but yeah, I was, I just kind of was in robot mode. Kind of like jumped back into this like mode that I used to get in on the hills where almost like performance, smell like, okay, just get your hair and makeup done, walk down the aisle. Everything's going to be fine. Just get through it. Everything's going to be fine.

Don't do it because once you bring a baby into it into the world, things don't get easier. It gets harder and then marriage on top of that with finances and parenting and decisions like that all makes such a difference and it's not just dating or having your space to go to anymore. Like you're together with someone forever. So don't rush into getting married. Take your time.

I it was kind of like that fight or flight mode like I kind of froze and I didn't know what to do but things kept escalating and when I was pushed back you know and Kira started screaming and crying and then I started crying and then he realized what happened and then he started crying it's just like everything just spiraled and it got worse and It's like, you know, that's when my family got involved and when the police got involved. And that's after going to therapy and trying to make it work. It's like, you're not changing. You're not wanting to change. Like, I can't do this anymore.

heartbreaking because it's going back to like the fight was wasn't it about he thought you were cheating again well not that I was I knew that he was and at that point I was so numb I didn't care I was kind of like and I talk about this in the book I got to the point where I was almost like I'm glad that you're cheating like go be with anyone you want just don't touch me like I don't want to be around you your energy like everything it just made me want to run.

I knew that that moment I called the police. That's the end of it and and I knew that after what had happened and just the he wasn't gonna change and I gave him so many chances And once I had my daughter it's like I wasn't living for me anymore. It was my life now is to protect her and to make sure she is the best life and and I knew that it would go all over the top loads because it's public records which it did which I was dreading and that's why I didn't want to do it. I wanted to keep our life private and it did go everywhere. You know it's humiliating.

Yeah, so that kind of came after because he kept showing up at my events, following me, making a scene, he kept calling, he kept showing up and it's like, leave me alone. So, you know, after eventually my lawyer was like, Adrina, this is not right. There's enough evidence. She's like, I'm getting you a restraining order and I was like, well, are you sure that's the right thing to do? That's going to go public now and like, It was constantly like I had to stop caring about the public and what people thought and just do things for me and what was good for me and my daughter.

Yeah. So in my mind, that's where I knew this is it. It's time. And I was so depleted, energetically, emotionally, physically, spiritually. I mean, everyone around me knew that something, I was just, I lost so much weight. I was isolated. I wasn't myself. And I was trying to get back out there and smile and like, But it just, it wasn't there. So I just knew like it's time.

So I got this strength through going to church. I turned to God. I literally mean Kara would go every Sunday. I got into a small group. I had support at a support system and guidance and I would cry all the time and like I finally built up that courage and just kept praying. And I was like, is this the right thing to do? Divorce doesn't, you know, at the time it didn't run in our family. Like, you married, you, you, like, hash it out till the end. You make things work. So it was really that decision was really, really hard for me to do, but going to church and just having faith and doing what was right for my daughter. Like, that's That's what helped me through it. And I, I think that was the best decision I've made. So I, I'm in such a happy, I mean, I'm in such a good place now. I'm happy at my daughter's happy, you know, she, you know, she has the best of both worlds and she's with all of her family and her school and like I I'm just, I'm healed enough where I'm open to dating now.

I'm sorry. No such thing. Okay, I love this one. My friends are like, Adriana, your standards are up to here. you know it's like I love to flirt and whatever but no I it's like I'm not dating for me anymore it's my daughter too so it's whoever I date next is it has to be the real deal it's not just I'm not just gonna bring them into my life to meet my family or my friends or it'll be someone that no one will really know I'm with until it's solid and it's good and then people will be like oh wow that's that's where I'm at right now I love that for you so much and you deserve that what do you wish people understood about what it's like to be inside of an abusive relationship um it doesn't have to just it's not Sometimes when people say abusive relationships, they think physical. But abusive relationships aren't always physical. It's emotional. It's being called a piece of shit. It's being put down all the time. Internally, it takes a long time to recover from that and to get your confidence back. And to feel like you're you again, like you are loveable. Like someone will love you again. Like don't believe that you're never going to be loved again or you're not good enough. Like you are. So it's just, you know, it could be a spiritually physically emotionally any kind of abuse. It's just that word doesn't necessarily mean physical. Yeah. Um, and it's, you know, toxic relationships. Like, it's not right. You got to get out of it. You need support. Like, get yourself out. And it's not easy. Once you're in it, it's like, you're swimming and you're trying to keep your head above water and you're barely breathing. You need someone sometimes to come and pull you out. You can't do it on your own.

Yes, the podcast is brooding Frankie. It's a hills rewatch, but we talk about other things too. It's not just the hills, so.

No, I am. Okay, can I be honest? It is so cringy for me to watch. I cannot watch it without having like a glass of wine.

It's like thinking like and then I think okay, this is great like one day when my daughter's old enough I'll watch it with her and be like this is what you're not doing and this is what will happen if you do what I did I truly don't know a world without the hills you guys basically like created reality television in the sense and it's it's gonna be sad for it to be gone, but I'm excited for the podcast maybe when we're like old people like I'd like give it another 20 years will be like 56 you ready to do it again I don't know let me be so clear I would watch thank you thank you Adrienne thank you so much thank you thank you