Transcript for Nessa Barrett: My Journey with Borderline Personality Disorder (FBF) [VIDEO]

So I'm from New Jersey, very small town. I've changed schools quite a bit. I've played soccer on my life. I've also been You know, doing music all my life because my dad was heavily into music. I always grew up with a studio in my house and I ended up getting around like eight concussions and suffered from like pretty bad brain injuries and I had to completely stop sports like all together and I was like a pretty like athletic person growing up and I saw her as my life like when I would get punished like my parents would like ground me from going to practice like it was and I'd freak out and so as soon as I stopped doing that I had to find something else and I started posting on social media and I'm here

Oh, yeah, I love it. I mean, I'm a Leo, so I love attention. And I felt like I never really got that going up in my entire life. That was kind of something that I chased, whether it was like, you know, wanting friendships. I just wanted people to like me. And so the second that I, for once, wasn't just like a loner like kid. and like people kind of like interested in me. It was a really good feeling.

Everyone in my school or most of my friends had that before I did. And I was told to download it and I made a video during school. And I just remember like going to like biology class and going to the bathroom to check my phone after. And I was like Well, these are famous people following me one and then I just my notifications were like insane. I like blew up like during school and everyone thought it was so cool at first but then when it got to a certain degree it was like I was like an outcast because of it and I would walk into class and like they would take pictures of me from Google and make them like all like the home screens on like the computer and then teachers would you know use like my name and like my salary as like anecdotes for like math problems and like it was yeah, it was like a weird stuff and like having like freshman like kids like come up to me and ask for pictures. It's like It was a lot, and I just remember, like, I hate school. I hated school. And the only way I was going to college was for soccer. And when that was out of the picture, I was like, no, I'm going to college. And then when this happened, it was like, I begged and cried to just be homeschooled.

It's like hard to explain because I'm like the type of person that I get so embarrassed with what I go through that I don't really want to talk about it and I try to just like hold in everything and just like deal with it myself and I also feel like no one gives a shit about like me or like what I'm going through and that's just how like I have a very big like victim complex like And so I just like would just like take it and then cry about it like alone um and like occasionally you know I'd talk about it like my really close friends but it it was just really weird for me because I like the year before that too like I was like uh I felt like I was already became an outcast in my school and like in high school like I I was new I was the new kid as a freshman like no one's ever seen me before I moved to a different town and I left my previous school because I you know I felt like I didn't belong there and I was kind of like you know alone in like outcast and so I moved to different high school and I was like everyone like loves like the new kids, you know, at first. And then I, yeah, sophomore years, like, I don't know.

Me and my dad have, um, we don't have like the best relationship. I'll always love him because he is my father, you know? And I, like, played on working on our relationship in the future.

Yeah. So it was during the pandemic and everything was just like, everything was on lockdown. And at that point, I was going to the studio when I would go to LA, and I was visiting LA quite often. There was a point where I would go to public school, like Monday to Friday, and I had like senior option, which is where I had enough credits to just like leave at like 11. And I would leave at 11, go right to the airport, fly to LA, and then come back Sunday or Monday, and then do school the rest of the week. I couldn't stay locked in my house in New Jersey, not doing anything that I, you know, created already and started. And my school was just, you know, online anyway. So I bought a plane ticket when I was 17 at 1 a.m. That was I had to leave for at 4 a.m. And my parents knew that I was going to run away. So they took all of my suitcases. And I packed everything up in like old school bags and my old soccer bags and like duffel bags that I had. And gotten Uber and left. Were you scared? Terrified. Terrified. The worst was not I had a connecting flight. And so they had no idea and I'm like I'm taking on my first flight and I'm thinking oh I got away with it. I have land on my connecting flight and I phone balloon up. Where are my all this stuff like they're tracking my flight? They know where I am like cops are coming to get me like they're not gonna and I'm like what the heck? So I'm just like like playing like I don't know I was like trying to be like undercover like I like that the airport like freaking out my anxiety was so bad and um yeah I just hopped on the next fly and I just kept going.

No yeah so I was visiting LA a lot before I ended up running away and so I had a boyfriend at the time and I said you know at their house and I just went straight there because that's where I was like saying before and so like I knew like a few people there and I had a place and in my my mindset at the time was like anything other than being home is better for me. You know, it's like I would have done anything to get out of that situation.

Um, yeah, I mean, you know, I feel like because a social media, we developed a very serious relationship. for like, it was two serious for how young we were. And it, I mean, like, he was a part of sweat at the time, too. And I mean, like, those boys, like, they were blowing up. Like, that was like their prime when we started dating. So, you know, like, them being like 17, 18, you know, blowing up, living in LA, like in a house of their own. It's like a fat house of like social media. And, um, You know, it's hard to resist some things and I wouldn't say that this is the truth but how I felt at the time was that a lot of the good parts of our relationship was simply for views and content and that stuff and I got like really hard for me to process because I'm You know, I fall for people like Heather and I get very attached. And so seeing things a certain way was kind of just like, I couldn't understand it.

No, yeah, exactly. And like I felt like, you know, about two years ago, like I made a drastic change with my persona online and how I let people see me because, you know, my, the very beginning of me being online, I was doing whatever I could to be the person that everyone wanted me to be. and to be liked, and I faked almost everything. I wasn't being real. I wasn't myself. Yeah.

I mean, for one, like, my style and, you know, my attitude, I have struggled with mental health so much, and I am a pretty sad person, but I, in the beginning, like, I developed such a bubbly character that was almost like, you know, like, I don't care, like, I'm just happy and like, giggly and like, it was, it was just not me. And then over time, I just like kind of like allowed myself to be like, that person, that like everyone could like make fun of.

Um, yeah. I mean, like, I just struggled a lot with my identity at that point and I feel like the second I actually started, you know, making music and like writing my music. It really helped me like understand how like who I was, you know, and

see this is this is just like a very like sticky situation to talk about because I feel like there's like multiple sides of every story and it was just you know we were all living in a house together and I felt like separately we each were going through problems in our relationship and Me and, like, yeah, me and Jen were really good friends and we started doing Laudidad. And that's when, like, everyone's like, oh my god, like, they started falling for each other when they did Laudidad. And I'm like, no, you know, like that it wasn't hot, like that's not like what happened. It was like after, like, the song was already made and everything was already done. It was like after. But yeah, we were struggling with in our relationships separately and there was a lot of tension in the house too because, you know, certain people didn't really get along and daughter at the time like before we broke up um he was just so busy with work and I was like heavily like starting my music career and um so there was this a point we decided to break up too because I was struggling a lot mentally and I've just realized that like hey like we started dating when we were really young and We're both just not the same people as when we started and I just felt like we had a lot of different interests you know And it got to a point where sometimes you just realize that you're more comfortable than you know in love at the moment I don't know we broke up and then stuff just started happening and it was like anything like sneaky really I felt like I just let my heart kind of just like take control and I knew that it was like really bad timing and like not the best situation and I just know how it looked and I should have looked that way because I didn't make a poor decision but like I don't regret anything and also to like which I don't want to use any like it's it's I don't want to sound like I'm like making off excuses for myself But like with my mental health stuff and with the PD there's a thing called favorite person and like we can get into that like more in depth. But you're brain basically like unwillingly attaches itself to someone and when that happens like that's all you can think about and you'll do anything to make that person happy and they become your life and identity at that point and it turns romantic because it's so hard to identify the difference between that you know when you when you're so in love with someone it's like they become your favorite person but with bp it's like different and I think because me and Jen were spending so much time with each other, with music and all that stuff, and we were really close friends. And I, you know, wasn't with Josh anymore. And even when I was, it's like, he was gone most of the time. We didn't really spend so much time together. My brain attached itself to Jen in that way. And so that's when I was like, I do anything at that moment. to make it work, but then, you know, social media gone to play and then the whole drama started and it created it something that it probably wasn't going to be. Like we started dating like, off like it became serious and an actual thing like after. everything broke out on the internet because we felt like we had to then night that everything kind of like broke out was the day that our performance we performed on Ellen it was like a headline that like oh we announced that we're dating like we made it official and I was like what the heck you know like I'm not gonna lie like I was being like very selfish and I obviously felt certain white but I feel like everyone can say at certain points that like what people say online is not going to affect them. But even if you don't want it to and you don't let it subconsciously, it's going to be in your head. And it's going to do something. And I'm just very thankful that I got to deal with that situation with someone. But on my side, because I've dealt with a scandal similar to that, and I was completely alone. dealing with it so it was different and I felt like a blessing and a curse to go through it with Jaden. But it was really hard. I just didn't want to really talk about the situation because I was one kind of embarrassed but you also like very angry at the way that everything played out and it was just something that like made me really upset because At the time, I just thought that I was doing something that would make me happy. But then I had the whole world, you know, calling me a slut and telling me that I'm a backstabbing bitch and like all this stuff. And I'm like a homie hopper and like a home record and all this stuff. And it was just very frustrating to me because I was like, there's so many aspects of the entire thing that no one knows about.

I feel bad more than anything in I've realized that I just really selfish.

What happened? We honestly got to experience such amazing things together. I mean, I performed at Lolliposa with him and like we did everything and I was like, you know, I was on tour with him for a little bit when he was on tour with MCHK and you know, again, like I wouldn't regret it. And we've had a lot of great moments that I would cherish forever and Again, it was just everyone already had something to say about it in us. And as much as, you know, we wanted to not let things affect us. It did. And during our relationship to like we both really struggled mentally. And we also were kind of like, Because of how it started, I felt like we always felt like we were outcasted from like everyone, you know? And it was just kind of like an us against the world type thing. that got hard when we both were struggling so much personally and there was just a lot of things that we I thought like we both needed to work on before jumping into another relationship which we did way too fast and I got really tricky and our mental health just got the both of us and it you know Um, we just had a lot of growing to do. And I felt like there was also the pressure of us like, all of the drama, like we felt like we had to make it last.

Um, I, I, I wouldn't, okay, not physically. as far as I don't think. Um, and I don't blame him for anything because at the time when things started happening, I wasn't the best person in a relationship because I was struggling so much. Um, and I know how it feels to, you know, want attention from other people when you're not getting it by the person that you're with. And, um, the end of there's just a few things that I wasn't too happy about and that made me very insecure. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, so I started going there at the when I was six. I was diagnosed with anxiety and I think that there were some signs that my parents picked up on that. They're like, whoa, like I don't know why she's freaking out like I would get like attached to like certain things and like freak out if I didn't have like you know them on me or like I didn't have them around and then I think I had to go on a plane for the first time and my reaction to that was just uh telltale sign that I needed to go get treatment so um Yeah, so I started going therapy when I was six and doing family therapy as well because there was, you know, custody battles and stuff like that. My parents were never together, but for the beginning of my life, they tried living together and then that caused a lot of stress for me. living at home was just hard for me and when I was 14 which was like I was yeah I was a sophomore in high school I had and it was shortly after I got my last concussion I spiraled and I guess the The trauma that my brain had just exacerbated all of my mental health and everything just went terrible. I developed really bad ADHD and I couldn't go to school because I couldn't read more than two sentences without vomiting. I had to go to like, ocular and vestibular therapy to learn how to run or balance on one foot and catch balls. um like how to track my eyes because they were so it was like really bad and um because of my ADHD you know getting really bad because of my brain injury I um struggled a lot mentally and that's when I had my first actual suicide attempt and I was hospitalized for it so that was like pretty rough

Um, yeah, I, um, I, I overdosed on a medication that I was prescribed to aid my concussion, you know, when like the pain that came within in my migraines and all that stuff and I was at my dad's house at the time and I think he was like making dinner and I was upstairs in my room and he kept calling me down for dinner and he said it was an answering And I don't remember much. All I remember was going in the bathroom when I had like an old like glass cup that was like empty in my room when I was just like you know it like fucking like I'm gonna do it now I was very impulsive very impulsive because my ADHD and I was so deeply depressed and I've always dealt with like you know, having such intense and deep feelings where I would just like, I was so depressed and like I would cry and I couldn't stop crying and I'd get like so mad and angry and like mean and I didn't know it was wrong with me. And when it got worse because of my concussions, like I felt like I was insane and that there was no getting better and I was done and I felt like I was a burden like to my family and You know, I, I caused like so much pain because of how I was mentally and so I went to a bathroom and fill it up with sink water and I just, yeah, I overdosed and I just remember while it was like kicking in, I sat down and I wrote everyone notes. And I think I just like passed out on the floor. and my dad found me and just like carried my limp body and called 911 and I just remember he like there was a hospital that was like so close to the house and I was like like in and out of like consciousness and like I just remember his voice echoing you know um I didn't really know what was going on and um he was like on the phone and the ambulance like freaking out and like asking how fast that they could come And all this stuff and he was like, you know, I'm just going to drive. I'm just going to put it in my car and just like drive to the news hospital and they were like telling him not to do it. And so he was like trying to drive to meet them closer because they wouldn't come and I just remember them like dragging me out of his cards that put me in the backseat and then I remember vividly remember like my mom like yelling at me while the ambulance door was closing while I'm on like the stretcher and I just like woke up in the hospital but I think the scariest in like most traumatizing thing for me was my little brother went and saying it and him just like crying and I felt like I just like scarred him for life. Almost seeing that and him just being like, is this okay? Like what's wrong with to see like freaking out?

Yeah, I mean, I don't really know. I think that my parents were more like mad at me. than anything. Which was very hard for me to deal with because I'm like, I was just like in so much pain, you know, like how, and I think that I just wanted, like, I think that was a moment where I just, like, I just want to be loved the most and supported. And I've thought about death and suicide since I was like 10. And so, you know, being in hospital and not knowing, like, I was too young to know, like, why I actually, like, would happen. And what would happen? And I, um, I was getting my blood work done, like, at all the time, like, all throughout the night, like, I was like, on IVs and all this stuff, I had, like, nurses and, like, officers, I would, like, I was on suicide watch. You know, I couldn't pee without people following me. I couldn't do anything. Um, and it, it sucked and then I thought that like once I got better I could go home and else all I wanted was go home.

Yeah, they put me on a stretcher. I think like three days later when a bed opened up at a place and I arrived at a psych or I was obviously in the pediatric you know because I was 14 so it was like you know kids around my age and I was very shy into it and scared and embarrassed and I don't want to talk to anyone like I don't want to open up to anyone, like when they would have group, it's like, no way I'm sharing, like my story, or like why I'm here, anything like that. And then I learned that there is a point to some, and you have to, in order to get out, and I was on level one, and you got to be on level four to even get considered to leave. And yeah, and those scary tubes, my parents also placed me on phone protocol. So you don't have phones. and phone protocols when you can't even use the pay phone to call anyone. You don't get calls, you can't. So I was completely isolated in a loan, like in that spot. It was traumatizing, but then as soon as I got comfortable in there and like started making friends, it was like fun. And then you start feeling like, you know, I felt like I belonged.

Oh, my God. Thank God she was in there, because I mean, I wouldn't be here right now. Um, yeah. And I just, I just felt so, like, hopeless at that point, because I couldn't really see, like, a future after getting out of there.

Yeah, so borderline personality disorder is very tricky, and it's different for everyone that has it, because it's basically a self-taught disorder that is developed from childhood trauma, and it's not like a chemical imbalance, which I have other, you know, anxiety and like depression all that's up, that is, but this isn't because it's just habits and almost like defense mechanism that you've developed from trauma growing up and it just adapts your entire personality. and there's a lot of things that come into play with like, you know, very harsh mood swings and then, you know, you get very intense like manic and manic episodes and identity problems like with self identity and, you know, abandonment issues and it's the list can go on but it is such One of the most painful mental health illnesses because of how intense and severe emotions become when you have it. So say whenever I feel any sort of sadness, All my brain kind of shuts off all the signals for any other motion. And I am unable to process or remember what happiness feels like or that happiness is an emotion at all. So all I feel is sad. and all I can ever feel is sadness and that there's no escaping it. And it's like, it hurts. It's like, it's so painful mentally that it sorts of physically hurt. And you can't really control anything. And that's why what I struggle the most because it makes you out of noise that, you know, isn't you? And you really have to learn how to become very self-aware in order to help yourself.

relieved. My mom always thought I had it. But I was previously missing also by Polar and I was like, yeah, okay, maybe because like, you know, right, right in my family. But I was like, look it up and like research. And I was like, this doesn't make sense because it's like not me. And so when I was diagnosed with BVD, it made a lot of sense.

Yeah, and I also knew that she would bring it up when I would get, like, evaluations and, you know, all this stuff. And I just wonder if he would be like, we can't diagnose her with that because she's under 18. And when I was diagnosed, she told me, like, I knew it, too. But, um, Yeah, first it makes you feel like something's wrong with you, but I just kind of learned to that at least I know what's wrong.

I just dealt with a lot of hard things growing up. and um it's just hard for me to talk about it because I don't really want to like throw anyone under the bus you know but um I just I had a really rough childhood and um I've You know, but it was just really hard for me. But like even like when I got over to, I started, I got trauma from, you know, people that weren't just like in my family, like when it came to like boys and like, I feel like almost every goal now deals with like sexual trauma because people fucking suck. But I just went through a lot of fucking shit. I don't know if I'll ever be like comfortable opening up about it. because right now I'm trying to, especially in therapy, I'm trying to learn how to detach myself from it and learn that it doesn't really, you know, it's not a part of me and it doesn't make me who I am and I'm also trying to learn how to forgive.

Oh my god, yes. I've gone on a lot of breaks. The problem is that I'm a teenage girl and I don't want to get off social media and I also care too much about what people say. And so even though I know it's going to hurt me from reading comments all night and scrolling as until I find a negative one because that's what I do for some reason. I'll just keep scrolling until I see a hate comment and then I'll keep scrolling until I see more. But it's like I I don't know, I just have a problem and, you know, my team suggested all the time and even like my friends and I know it's best for me. But I feel like sometimes I'll freak out more if I don't know what's being said about me. So it's just, it's a hard thing.

I feel like this was just something that I couldn't really ever comprehend. I feel like I don't really have close family and not that close with my family. I'm just like alone out here and like all I really had was Cooper and he was like a brother to me and my my best friend ever like at twin flame like I believe that you have like multiple somits in your life and I feel like he was like my platonic slowly like 100% like me as you know a boy and I never had anyone understand me the way that he did so This kid struggled, you know, just as much as I did, maybe even more. And I knew that. And I felt like, as long as I knew him, it was an ongoing battle to keep him here. And to make sure that you was safe. And drug addiction is just something that's so scary. You know, I felt like everyone just did as much as he could, but I never thought that this day would, that day would ever come. And I was, you know, It just sucked because I was just like we were waking up from a text from him that day. I don't want to believe it. I lost myself. I lost myself completely. I was destroyed because there was never I thought in my brain that I would ever have to live a single day without him. You know, I never thought that there would be a day where I didn't even text him, you know, or not see him. And I've been till that point too, like we were spending every day with each other. Like, so, um, and then I think like, you know, it just got really hard and it was just like a very big, like, tragic thing for everyone, very unexpected. I think, you know, we all know that he was struggling a lot more than before, but I didn't ever think that he would, you know, leave. I'm really like told anyone this, but like, we openly talked about You know, how much we struggled here on this earth in our mental health so much, you know, we both, like when we were, you know, suicidal or, you know, struggled with anything like that, it was like each other that like we would like, you know, have to like make us like feel like we need to be here and we were like this and so would like if one of us was going out like we were going out together, that's just like, That's how it was in my head. And so when he was gone, I don't know how I could live. It's very hard.

I mean, like, for the first week, guys. Didn't, wasn't all my phone. My phone was shut off. It was like, you know, kind of like me or to some points. Dying, like on suicide watch, it was terrible, grieving is such a crazy thing. And I, you know, I dealt with the, you know, losing people in my life, but never the closest for the only person that I had. And it's just something that you can't really fathom until you're in it. And I didn't know what I was doing. And I was struggling so much already because I just went through like a breakup. And so it was just like, it was really weird for me. It felt like my entire life just like flipped upside down. And I was just like, I was just like falling apart. And I just was, I was grieving and trying to deal with all my emotions alone. because that's the only way I knew out to and I didn't really want to talk about it with anyone because it made it more real to me. And it was just like really hard for me to like just open up about. So I was dealing with it alone and it's the same time too, like my best friends would be not. I was just trying to be strong for her and strong for, you know, his family and like everyone that I was just dealing with everything by myself and it ate me alive and it's why, yeah, I ended up getting admitted actually into a mental hospital in the first one since I've been in like since like when I was 14. So it's pretty scary.

Yeah, um, I, um, I just broke and lost control fully. Um, it, um, I had, um, suicide attempt. I was taking Xanax for my anxiety and to like find all that stuff. So I was on that. And when you take an excessive amount of that was I never had before, it just like turns you into someone that you're not and I just like went into my car I think and um I don't remember anything but from when I was told I was planning on driving off of the cliff while I overdosed and um so I think as soon as I started backing out breathe and so we just like pulled up like right by my car and they got me to get out and all that stuff and uh and yeah like the next day I uh just like I think opened up and was like kind of like vulnerable and honest with the first time and I just like cried and I was like I'm so scared and um we just called the ambulance and um

It puts you in a perspective that's so interesting because you just realize how much you've taken for granted. The fresh air in walking on the ground is just so in being outside. It's just so comforting and amazing that I, you know, I was excited that I got, you know, second chance. And I just convinced myself, and especially after Cooper, like I've just gotten like, I've developed so much like Faith and I become religious I don't know where that I was like God must want me here for a reason, you know Like there's no way that like I'm just not gone yet so and you know I have to do something and I just also realized that like I just have such strong sympathy for everyone that struggles mentally and goes through hard times that like I don't want to to leave at all because I want to be here in order to like make an impact for those struggling and I feel like I still have just like so much to do and I want to live for Cooper and you know I just see life so differently now and I feel like now and the first time in forever I've been open to like taking getting help seriously and I've just like gone through waves where I you know I hit rock bottom and then I get help and then as soon as I start feeling good again like I stop because I think I'm fine. But it's not true. And I just realize it's all about maintenance and that'll keep and that I just have to continue going. And I've also been so anti-med that now I'm like, on a mood stabilizer, which is like, I feel like it's working.

Yeah, my album's called Young Trevor. And I haven't really been religious, but Cooper is really helped me, you know, find God and like, they don't anything like that. But at the time, and it's just like it's weird after that it's you know about like you know having like there's a lot of like things that come into play um with faith and like religion with my album but at the time it was like I was living in hell when I wrote my album that I fantasized about having so much that that's why it was about and now like with you know it's just like really weird and I like wrote diverse um about such such a special song for me and it the time it was like about my mom and Cooper. But I never out like like I never like publicly said that it was about Cooper because I didn't want to think about it but the people closest from me knew and Cooper knew.

Yeah, I mean, I have to assume. And I want to make it a special moment's ask to be, you know? But I can't really imagine me performing without like, talking up and like, bowling my eyes out. But so at this point, it's like, if you're a fan of my music and you're a fan of me and you're there, it's like, what else do you expect?

It's very surreal for me. I feel like I'm really bad in posture syndrome. So I almost sometimes like to touch like me as like Nessa you know like from Nessa and it I I don't know I'm just like I get so overwhelmed with the amount of love and support but also like I it's like I couldn't really care less if like you know one person listen to my song you're like one million you know so it's like as long as like there's one person out there that relates but it's just so unreal to think about it and I'm just really excited because it's like my dream.

She's amazing.