Transcript for The Roast of Dave Portnoy [VIDEO]

What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper. We call her Daddy Daddy Daddy. Dave Portnoi, welcome to Caller Daddy. Thanks. When's last time you were here with me?

My Spotify deal. I did. Since I own my IP.

So we're at the Kentucky Derby. Yeah. You brought your new girlfriend.

We had to get into it immediately. You went viral because you were at the Celtics game and you brought a date. Right. And you idiot. I show up today to do this interview with Dave and he, what is her name? You're not going to say, are you going to sit in silence full of this?

Yeah. How did you decide to bring this amazing beautiful woman here today in my presence and think I wasn't going to bring it up?

You and I?

How would we define our relationship day?

Okay, it was a small wedding. Yeah. Would you invite me to your wedding? Absolutely. Are you already going to get remarried?

Really? Yes. I don't believe you for a second. You're saying that because you know you're never going to get hired.

You kind of like me.

Do you miss me at bar stool? No. You miss the paycheck.

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Tom Brady was supposed to come to the unwell. That last night, then he canceled his entire trip. Why? I have no idea.

Or to the Derby? To the whole Derby, but he was coming to my event last night.

But he was going to. Has he ever come to one of your fucking parties?

Okay, let's circle back. Are you a fan of Leonardo DiCaprio?

What else? What else do you have in common now? If you have anything in common? Any similarities, Dave?

Well, you also have something in common where you like to date young women.

You, did you get a divorce? No.

That is the biggest crock of mother fucking shit. You said that to me on tour, and I don't believe you for a second. You're like, I tried to get divorced.

Yeah, call her and I up. Let's go. I don't fucking believe you for a second. This was a play for you. No, you're not actually doing it. This was a play that you tell girls so that you can't marry them. I'm convinced. There's no fucking way. Let's call Renee. Text her. Say, I'm on a show right now and I need to clear my name. Alex Cooper wants to. Why would you not be able to get a divorce?

No, literally play that back. You have too much money. You can't get divorced. Did who the fuck ever? You little piece of shit.

No, he doesn't, this doesn't make sense. Go ahead. I'll give you a minute, texture.

For texting you that right now.

Dave, I haven't said this publicly yet. I haven't even said anywhere that he was coming here. So who said that? Someone over there? What do you mean you just said it to me? And so did you text someone?

No, it was text it over there. So you mother fuckers texted someone to see? Yes. You little piece of shit. I swear to God he was coming.

Tom was coming to my party should it could a what a you're going to get a divorce should it could a what a fucking bitch.

Okay, let's talk about the Celtics.

24. Way off. Give me a little nod. No. The girls stick together.

We're not talking about it. 25. Thank you. My girl over there gave you a little. So I want to date who cares? I want to want. Okay. I have a question. Yeah. So you go to the Celtics game for anyone that lives under rocks. Dave was at the Celtics game. And he chooses to bring this gorgeous blonde woman right on his arm to the game. And you sit directly behind the announcers. And you look like you're gonna shit your pants when it goes live. The guys are like, here we are at the Celtics game and Dave is like, I'm gonna fucking kill myself. Why did you bring a date to the Celtics game if you didn't want to be seen?

But no one listens to BFF.

We are. Okay.

Such a martyr?

Okay. Question. How many dates have you had to have been on with a woman to bring her out in public to event like that?

I think this is so entertaining. This is amazing. So if you weren't a first date, would you ever bring a girl to a Celtic now? No. So this is serious.

You say you hang out in bursts.

Who says that?

Um, okay. How would you describe your type other than young?

I don't know. Dave or track record. It'd be like saying like, I like athletes.

Okay, a minute, play a little game with you. I'm going to give you a scenario and you're going to tell me.

This is good. This is good. People will love this. Sick. Sick. This is good. You guys hang out in spurts. This is one of the spurts. We got a capitalized, like I got to get those views. And who better to use for views than you? Okay. I'm going to give you a scenario and you're going to tell me how you would react. You walk in on the girl you're talking to going through your phone. What would you do?

Yes. Would you say something like get the fuck on me like what are you doing? Oh. We'll see you something to hide.

Yeah. How do you think she got your password? Do you have an easy password?

Is it zero zero zero zero?

Yeah, yeah, we've seen. Okay, she asks you to buy her a Chanel bag after the seventh date. She asks. Asked you.

Yeah. What's the most expensive thing you've ever bought a girl? A G wagon?

That was fucking crazy.

You were just so generous.

Good boy from. She asked you to hire her as bar soul talent.

No chance. No. Not even if she was so fucking fine.

Okay. She's really into toe sucking.

You're sucking your toes. I don't like any of that. Would you suck her toes?

She has a passion for making sex tapes and says come on one more won't hurt. Would you do it for the love of your life even if you knew it was going to get leaked again?

Okay. Let's talk about Taylor Swift. lover. Okay. You're a huge fifth Swiftie. Huge. When did your love for Taylor star?

Okay, aside from Kim, if you had to pick, like who would be your favorite Kardashian?

I would like to have a martini with her.

Okay, so do you feel like I'm sitting on you too much? Should you tell me like a sad story from your childhood?

We're just having a little fun. Yeah, I mean, I, let's see. Did you want the caller daddy treatment? Like, Dave Ford and we welcome to caller daddy. Let's go back to the beginning. Tell me what happened in your childhood. That was up to you up so far.

Why? I don't know. You're making me seem like a bad person.

No, for sure, but I also like we're in the public. You got a fucking if she's not. Yes, she is. There's 19 cameras in this room and she's sitting in the room.

We were out there on the rain. You know you're going to be filmed here.

First of all, films as in, yeah, no TV. No one gives a fuck about TV. Dave iPhones. In our care about that. Okay. So then you don't care about being seen with her. So why do you care about me talking about it?

and call her daddy.

When did you lose your virginity? Can you tell me your virginity story? Late. Late.

Okay, tell me the story. No. Yeah. What the fuck?

So when do you think you turned kinky? Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Anyone doesn't watch he's like, fiddling his dog.

Okay, so you don't you don't have any sad stories you can tell me from your childhood so we can really like make this a full 360 on your sad like rehabilitation.

I have not know you never sat alone at lunch.

Okay, back to Taylor. Do you think she knows you exist? Yes. Really? Yes. Really?

Why?

Okay. Does that make you excited?

What? Why?

Okay. Do you think Taylor and Travis are going to get engaged? Yes. Okay. What's the timeline? Like, when are they getting engaged?

How do you think he's going to do it?

Was it a nice ring?

Okay. What do you think they're gonna name their first kid? Do you think she'll know how to grab his kill? Yeah. Travis and Kelsey.

Let's get, let's bet Amy. That would be fucking crazy. That would be great. Let's guess right now. So what if we get it right?

Okay, it's a boy or girl. It's a boy.

That's fucking weird. It's not a little weird. I think Taylor has like more class than that. She'd be like, we're not.

Do you like it?

Only of the smallest man that ever lived.

Do you think an X would ever write a song about you like that bad? Like have you ever fucked to ever someone not bad? That's like a really dark song.

Do you think a lot of people hate you?

No. Do you think anyone hates you?

We have some mutuals. Yeah, we have some mutuals. Oh, oh.

How is that my doing? That was your doing. Nothing is ever my fault. This is like you. How is it my doing?

I don't know. Are we talking about? I feel like we are. Are we talking about like a little?

Oh, a man that wears a suit like you.

Oh, oh, oh, fuck him. Fuck him. All right.

Okay, I did bring trash, but then you took the trash out and you tried to get rid of me, too. No, that's a lie.

Okay, I did bring trash into your life.

Okay, I actually regret that to this day. Yeah. I like vouch for him and then he shit on us.

Do you think people know what we're talking about? You're still looking for your court documents.

Okay, let's take a pause and you just text her. Why am I so obsessed with your divorce? Probably because I think you're using it as like an excuse to not get too close to women. Like you use it as like oh, I'm sorry. I can't move forward because I'm still married. That's just not true. That's your trauma. Let's dive into it.

And please explain why we got denied.

And why wouldn't you?

So why didn't she tell them that? She did.

Why don't you just give her half your money?

How much was a house again, 40 million?

How much are you worth? A lot.

She's in goal, get there one day.

I can't believe you just made fun of me. I do a great job.

Okay, you're a swifty. I haven't seen these. You're right. No, I actually haven't. I haven't. We're about playing game.

I don't know. Do you want a different one? Just on make sure you give me a fucking card.

You're good with yours. Do you want to trade? Nope.

OK, so we're going to read a lyric to a Taylor Swift song. Let's say who knows the lyrics more.

Yeah, well, fail. OK, so when it's worth his read, we're going to read it. And then the other person has to answer what they think the rest of the lyric is from a Taylor Swift.

OK, ready? New money.

And this game sucks. Just play. Just have fun, Dave.

You were that kid on the playground. That was like a little fucking shit.

I know I can't win. New money, suit and tie. I can read you like a magazine. New money, suit and tie. I can read you like a magazine.

Like, actually, that's it.

Take a guess.

Dave, you have to play. I have nothing. Can't read me one. Let's fucking see if I can get it.

Oh, that's easy. You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess. It's a love story, baby. Just say yes.

Yes, Dave, what do you think I was doing? Crying in my bedroom when I was in high school, crying in my bedroom after all.

Not in college. College, I was hot. College, I was hot. End of high school, I was hot. It was like, it was like elementary schools like really tough for me.

Elementary school and like freshman year of high school and then I got to glow up.

But like you had to glow up. So you know how it feels.

What did you get cute?

Yeah, you got that new hair. Your hair looks so good.

Well, how long have you had it?

No, but you re-implanted it from the back. On the front. On the front. No. Where? Back. Oh.

Really? I don't remember that hairline in symbol picture.

Okay, but yeah, you weren't good looking either. So we're both little.

Yeah, but you got roasted online for it.

I think people think you're good looking now.

Well, the same as saying much. They'll try to find pictures and be like, look, she was not sick. Oh, look what money can buy you. I'm like, exactly.

Well, but have you ever had Botox? No. Would you ever get it? No. Raise your eyebrows. Huh. You have like a good size forehead.

Okay, back to her.

No, that is. I know. Okay. Now I'm, oh, okay. You fucking know this. This is from the new album. Now I'm down bad crying at the gym. Now I'm down bad.

Just guess. Okay. You actually have to say this one. Now I'm down bad crying at the gym.

that you think that's the next line?

Down bad. You think the next line is down bad?

Everything comes out teenage petulence.

Do you know what I mean? Collitis.

Is it getting lost or getting caught in the rain? Get caught. Oh, you're really fucking bad.

The trauma is coming out now. Mr. Bejoukis.

He told you you had to lip sync. Yeah. Is that the intent? This is of what a music teacher is special.

Give me a beat, go. Sing, do you like pedicoladas?

Yeah, definitely lip sync.

Okay, we give me one.

Okay, I haven't looked at this page. Give me, read this.

Oh, man, this is from ever more or folklore. Someone's on their knees and asked you, you would have made such a lovely bride. What a shame she's fucked in the head. But you'll find a real one and said, okay, so the Japanese would not hit.

No, no, no, I was thinking. I rarely pause. Let me think about that. You have me speechless.

This is the thing. I don't think I'm like intertwined in like Taylor's personal life. I love her music. Is that fair? Yeah. And I feel like you're intertwined in her personal life, and you don't know as much clearly about her fucking music.

No, that's not fair. You're bad.

Okay, if you are an actual Swiftie, you can get this one. I want to be your endgame. Go.

I want to be your endgame. I want to be your wife. Dave, you're so fucking bad at this game.

You think that's problematic if I would want to have Taylor and Kim on the show? Oh my, imagine if I got them first sit down.

No, and I know I could never do that because they would never do that.

Are you having fun?

Are you feeling entertained?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, text. Did she answer? Is she awake? All right. I have a ridiculous question. I'll explain later. Did we try to legit get divorced and get denied by a judge? Yes. Twice. Ooh, can I read your text? Ms. Pieces paused up when she answered the phone. So cute. Awesome, video. Oh, you too. Would you ever get back? I feel like you guys are ending it. No, she's got a boyfriend. I kind of like ship you guys.

That would be like if I texted Matt being like, I'll explain later. Um, I didn't kill someone right on this day. He'd be like, absolutely not babe. Love you so much.

You'll find it and then I'll post it on social media, okay?

This is like my first journey. Can I go back with you?

Do you have a gambling problem? No. Do you think you'll go into debt?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Oh, wait, that's the, well, is without you and viral recently for that, right?

Were you literally clenching your ass? Well, the entire game.

You were holding her hand squeezing it.

Have you ever given someone a million dollars?

Oh my god. Yeah. Wait, that's fucking amazing.

What are you worth like 400 million?

Two, two, 43. I don't know. Um, so how much money should I bet? Are you cheap? I don't know. What is cheap?

Did you grow up rich?

Like, when your parents see you, they cry?

Oh, because he's so proud of you.

Well, no, I'll give you credit for five seconds and stop fucking around for two seconds. I think what you everyone can try to like discredit what you do and like people can be like, oh, he's like a piece of shit and he's a misogynistic fuck and like he's crazy and like he's a piece of shit, but I think you're really smart and what you've built is like no one can discredit that like you really want to discredit the misogynist stuff.

Miss Peaches.

She's the best.

Okay. Do you think she's more famous than Henry if he had an Instagram?

Oh my god.

Oh my god, Dave, I can't walk in New York City when I'm there without every five seconds being stopped and people are like, oh my god, Alex, I do love you, but sorry, I want to say hi to him.

Okay, so we should walk around the block together.

Okay, Henry's cuter. Sorry.

Absolutely.

Oh. Yeah. Okay. Do you think Miss Peaches' a Henry could date at some point?

Are you going to look at another one?

What do you in a name it? I don't know.

But it doesn't make you sad when you leave her at home. Very much so. And I, when we got Bruce, it made me so happy because Henry fucking hated Bruce at first and now they're best fucking friends.

Um, okay. As we're wrapping up, I want to talk about my wedding really quickly. You were the biggest hit at my wedding.

You were the biggest hit at your wedding? Yes, you were.

No, you were the biggest hit. What does that mean? Okay, let me explain. You're gonna fucking die at this. I died. So Friday night is like the rehearsal dinner. And we're sitting outside and all of our friends are giving speeches. And everyone's coming up and they're giving speeches. And then Matt's best friend was like, okay, we have one final like surprise. And we have one person that couldn't be here, but you aid me? No, Dave. Yeah. Yeah, we, we, we, we, I do, no, listen. So it was the biggest mine fuck all show you. It was actually really fucking cute. So he brings up this giant fucking television onto the lawn. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? And your face comes up on the screen at my mother fucking wedding day. Okay. And I'm like, Why would Dave have made me a wedding video? Like what the fuck were close, but we're not that close that he needs he can like text me and you're fucking face pops up, but it was like it was like a joke and you start talking for two seconds and then it cuts out and then Matt's grandmother who's 100 years old comes on. But look how funny this is. Imagine my face when I see you pop up.

And then she comes off.

You were at my fucking wedding. I knew that. Did I make you happy?

You imagined say to invite you.

Oh, wait. Did you have a wedding?

Tell me everything.

Wait, this is fun. No, picture, oh my god, you watch on that.

Oh, wait, where was your wedding?

Was it nice? Yeah. How many people?

Are all those 100 people still your friends? Yes. Okay. That says a lot about you.

I think it's amazing, but I also like you had you didn't really say anything when I said, I think you use it a little bit to like keep women at a distance.

But before you try to get divorced, that is a cop out. You would be like, oh, I'm sorry. I can't take it any further because

Didn't you have soul cycle?

Don't. Yes. And now you're at all pup.

I have wedding merch for you. Oh, he's blushing and they would be saying. Okay, I think I'm kind of like, how do you feel? Do you have anything left to say?

Are you okay?

How do you think this one?

Okay, they do. Yeah, they do. I think they like you.

Why do you think they love you?

Your stream. Oh, you got so off on that. You were like, Oh, my God, you fucking grew an inch. You were so fucking happy.

Oh, your ego is out the wall.

Oh, people fucking freaked out. Yeah. I got some messages. I felt bad. People were like, are you fucking kidding me? Like, they got Dave.

Could we, you came to Philly? You were in Philly. Did you enjoy my live show?

I had to stay true to the beginning and then we we started in the ranch and then I sat down and did an interview. Yeah. And also it's fun. to be ranchy and have fun, you know?

I always defend you. I always remember where I came from. I'm never going to be like, fuck bar soul, although I like have a couple like quam still like my dad and like my bonuses, but like other than that. Do you still owe me money, you think? Fuck not. Why not?

I was on employee. That's why. I was on unemployment checks, blogging it up. Yep. Okay, do you want your wedding merch? Sure. Dave, thanks for coming on Colorado. Wait, rate it one out of 10. What am I going to do with this? I'll give it to your assistants.

Never mind. Never mind. Don't give it to him. Don't.

Get. Okay, rate this interview. Were you impressed?

You really fucking flop.

You have trauma. I'm going to find it next interview next interview. Next interview. We're going to do Dave Porter.

No, you're the only person I'm doing.

I think you'll do good numbers. Thank you. All right.