Transcript for #57 The Budget Motel

A word of warning that today's episode contains descriptions of violence. Please take care of when listening.

Good. I left you like four or five messages.

There was the sheriff. Do you remember what his name was? Roscoe P. Cole Train.

Do you remember what the piece did for? No. Was it Philip? He opened the door.

You sounded too loving. I'm Jonathan Goldstein, and this is Heavyweight. Today's episode, The Budget Motel, right after the break. Nick tells me he doesn't consider himself to be a writer. He works as a landscapeer. But several years ago, he felt compelled to write about an event that derailed his life. The story's title?

Thirty years ago, Nick was shot in the stomach by a coworker, a guy named Andy. Nick was 21 years old. And ever since that day, he's continued to tell versions of what happened. In his 20s, it was a good story to tell in a bar. In his 30s, it became a kind of flex, something to give him that tough guy quality he lacked compared to the hunters and rollers he grew up with in Idaho. In his 40s, he honed the story to the written version. I like Nick's writing so much. I asked him if he'd read the story aloud to me. Would you mind reading it? Do you want me to just start from the beginning? Could you? Yeah. It all begins with Nick and his co-worker Andy and Burley Idaho. They were there for an out-of-town irrigation contract. Andy was originally from Burley, and so he invited some high school friends over to drink beer in the room he and Nick were sharing at the budget motel. I'll let Nick take it from here.

And here, with his father's tears, his hownick has always ended the story. A cut-down hero being wept over by his dad. But now that he's in his 50s, Nick doesn't see himself as the hero of this story at all. Instead, he sees someone else as the true hero of that day. It's not Andy or his friend Israel. They mostly seem concerned with not getting in trouble.

I didn't hear a thing from those guys either. I reached out to both Andy and Israel to get their version of the story, but never heard back. The cops who were in different, the hospital workers coldly efficient. Nick felt alone and angry. He'd been blamed for his own injury and then abandoned. No one actually cared about what he was going through at all. With the exception of one person. A friend of Andy is whose name Nick never even caught, but who he refers to as, the kid.

And you're able to, in that moment, you were able to read all of that?

A kind look, a towel, not exactly Superman level of heroism. But Nick insists that because the gestures came at one of the scariest moments of his life, and because everyone else was offering nothing, this something, even though it was a small something, felt like a lot.

And so 30 years later, what Nick wants is to find that kid that sympathetic kid who cried and offered him a towel and simply thank him. But where the search takes us is somewhere neither Nick nor I could have anticipated. So we're going to do it. Okay. Wow. Yeah, we're going to try to find this kid, I think. After the break, we try to find this kid, I think.

I asked Nick to check in over video because I have some news. In order to get the name of the sympathetic kid, I contacted the sheriff's department and got the police report from the day Nick was shot. Oh, wow. Yeah, so I wanted to share it with you. Nick's not seeing the reports since the shooting happened 30 years ago. I send it over, and once again, Nick reads an account of the day. But this time, from the perspective of the police officer on duty.

When the cops interrogated Andy, he also blamed Nick, who when pressed came clean.

Then there are the accounts of everyone else who'd been in the room that day. There's Andy's friend Israel.

The names Jason and Jared are both unfamiliar to Nick, so two are search for the sympathetic kid.

So, so what's going on? Well, um... The following week, Nick and I talk again. This time though, Nick has reached out to me because he has some news to share.

After I sent Nick the police report, he spent the rest of the day obsessing. He was so close to finding the person he'd thought about for so long that he decided to take matters into his own hands and do some digging. While Jason's last name was incredibly common, Jared's last name was unique. So Nick typed it into Facebook and a Jared popped up who was living in that same part of Idaho.

Jared's profile didn't seem all that active, so Nick tried sending a message to his wife as well.

And a couple days later, Jared did.

But the next day, when Nick raised the prospect of actually speaking on the phone, Jared stopped answering. Eventually, Nick got another message from Jared's wife. Good morning, Nick. Jared knows it was a terrible experience for you, and has no doubt you went through hell as a result, but it was traumatic for him as well. Over the last 30 years he's dealt with it in his own way, and he wants it to remain in his past. Again, thank you for your kindness, and for thanking him after all these years. On the one hand, Nick is glad to have finally found Jared and been able to thank him. But on the other hand, he's a little disappointed. Their exchange was so brief. Whatever Nick was looking for, it seems like he hasn't found it. And for the next couple months, that's where it sits. But all the while, as it turns out, just as Nick had been wanting to speak with Jared, there's been someone badly wanting to speak with him. Someone who's always hovered just outside the story's frame. Her name doesn't appear in Nick's written account nor does it show up in the police report. This, although she was present at the time of the shooting, if only as a voice on the other end of a phone line.

At the time, Nick was shot, he had a girlfriend, Maggie. Nick had suggested I reach out to Maggie as a way of getting more background on that time. But over the course of talking with Maggie, it became clear that she had more to offer than just background. Nick had first met Maggie back when she was 13 and he was 15. He noticed her at a friend's house, a spiky-haired punk girl hunched over a Ouija board, trying to summon the spirit of Nancy Spungeon. Maggie thought Nick was funny and a, quote, champion grade dork. The two became friends, and several years later, when Maggie was 19, she and Nick started dating. To save money, they moved in together. It wasn't long after that that Nick set off on his ill-fated trip to Burley. On the evening of June 3, 1993, Maggie picked up the phone and called Nick at his room in the budget motel. And she happened to call at the exact moment the shot was fired.

Not only was Maggie there sort of at the budget motel, but she was also there beyond the point where Nick ends his story. She was there for his long recovery process in the months afterwards. Yes. And so you ended up kind of becoming the de facto caregiver?

I mean, you were just 19. That's a lot to take on.

So, while Nick was dealing with the trauma of being shot, Maggie was dealing with the trauma of dealing with Nick, she was the one to stand by him in the months to come. If anyone was truly sympathetic, truly a good soul, he was Maggie. Maggie and Nick broke up not long after the accident, but they've remained friends for all these years. Even so, over the last three decades, they've never talked about that time. Nick says it's easier not to. He wasn't the best version of himself. That makes a conversation with Maggie a harder one to have than the one with Jared. But it potentially makes it a more valuable conversation, too. And Maggie says there's a lot she's never said to Nick that she's now finally ready to say.

And so, we all meet up one summer afternoon at Maggie's townhouse.

We had upstairs to Maggie's living room. Her place feels cozy and inviting. The walls are full of art.

Maggie and Nick sit beside each other on the couch and Maggie begins the story of that day from her perspective.

When Maggie called the budget motel that day, she heard the chaos in the background, but it wasn't until later that night that she understood what had happened. Nick's boss called to tell her that Nick was in surgery for a gunshot wound. Maggie got in the car to drive the several hours to see him in the hospital.

In the immediate aftermath, there was a rush of family that arrived to visit Nick in the hospital, and Maggie receded into the background.

And that's what we're here to talk about. The time after everyone else had dissipated, and it was just Nick and Maggie. For a while, Nick was unable to leave the house. His dad was a pretty big stoner, and so he gifted Nick a huge bag of weed to help in his recovery.

As a part of his recovery, Nick was forced to wear a clostomy bag and inflatable sack attached to his stomach. It was uncomfortable and cumbersome and made him feel old before his time. Nick had to lean on Maggie for help. I apologize for that.

It turns out that at the time Maggie was in nursing school. So aside from the full-time job of taking care of Nick, she also had an internship at the hospital and was taking an overwhelming course load. He was a lot.

Although Nick says the words he's supposed to, thank you, I'm sorry. He still doesn't fully understand what he's saying thank you and sorry for. So Maggie tries to tell him.

Maggie sits with her legs tucked up on the couch, looking right at neck. Nick stairs ahead of the wall.

Nick was angry at Andy and Israel for abandoning him. He was angry at himself for taking the blame with the cops. He was angry that he was in this situation at all. Bedridden and confronting his mortality at 21. He directed all of that at Maggie.

The first time I read Nick's account of that day, I was struck by his ability to recall the minutia. Given that, it's surprising to hear what he doesn't remember.

Nick might have forgotten some of the painful details, but he doesn't remember the moment he crossed the line. Do you remember what that was? I do.

I do know. For the first time, Maggie breaks eye contact. She covers her face with her hands.

The way Nick has always framed the story around that day at the budget motel. He was the victim. A horrible, painful thing happened to him through no fault of his own. He could have been paralyzed. He could have died. But when you widen the story's frame beyond the motel room to include Nick's recovery, to include Maggie, it isn't so simple.

Throughout Nick's childhood, his father was a largely absent figure. He looked at Nick as an impediment of the things he really wanted to do. Party, drink, have a good time.

Nick had been taught early on how to shield others from blame. It makes sense that he of all people would have been quick to tell the police he shot himself. It's hard to get someone who's ignoring you to even notice your anger. Whether it's the guy who shot you in a motel room or the man who was supposed to be raising you. And so you vent your anger on the people you think might actually be able to absorb it. Even if they're not the ones who deserve it. That's not an excuse, but it's an explanation. When Nick first reached out for my help in finding Jared, his dad had died only a few weeks earlier. Hearing all this, that timing starts to feel like more than just a coincidence. Nick's relationship with his dad is tied up with that day. Nick brings up that memory of his dad showing up at the hospital right after he was shot.

The work of being a person is to recognize patterns in ourselves, to see the things we do over and over, and to try to create new patterns, cast ourselves in new roles, and not just the role of hero. Nick, for his part, is working to be more aware of his anger.

As for Maggie, she wants to protect herself to set up her life so that she's the priority.

This is the story of a man who is shot. I've just told you one version. A different one that if Nick were telling it himself, a different one that if he tried to lay it all out again 20 years down the road, But for now, Nick and Maggie hug. And while I pack up to head back to my hotel, the two of them go out to sit on Maggie's balcony to enjoy the rest of the day, to soak in what they can before the sun goes down.

This episode of Heavyweight was produced by Senior Producer Khalil Holt and me, Jonathan Goldstein, along with Phoebe Flanagan. Our supervising producer is Stevie Lane, production assistants by Mohini Megalker, editorial guidance from Emily Condon, special thanks to Annie Minoff, Laura Morris, Lauren Silverman, and Jackie Cohen. Bobby Lord mix the episode with original music by Christine Fellows, John K. Samson, Michael Hurst, Katie Condon, Blue Dot Sessions, and Bobby Lord. Additional music credits can be found on our website, gimletmedia.com slash heavyweight. Our theme song is by The Weeker Than's courtesy of Epidaph Records. Heavyweight is a Spotify original podcast. I'd also like to give a shout out to another Spotify podcast that we love around here on the show. It's called Science Versus, the host. Wendy Zuckerman is so much fun to listen to, and I always end up learning so much. Each episode she tackles a different myth or fad, like vaping or hypnosis, alternative milks, and she dives into the science to deliver up the facts. Science Versus is available anywhere you listen to podcasts, and you really should check it out. You should also follow us on Twitter at Heavyweight on Instagram at Heavyweight Podcast or email us at Heavyweight at gimletmedia.com. You can also follow our show on Spotify and tap the bell to receive notifications when new episodes drop. We'll be right back with a new episode. Just after Thanksgiving, happy Toyki Day.