Transcript for #1155 - Henry Rollins

Henry Rollins, ladies and gentlemen, how are you, fella? I'm better now being here with you. I'm better now that you're here.

It was an idea that my manager Heidi and I came up with, well, mostly Heidi, it was like, it was called basically Henry and you put me and someone, I might have some disagreements with or a few agreements with and we just go somewhere and we weigh in with a camera following us. And we're thinking, what, you'll be like a six part mini series like, you know, me and plus six interesting people. And one of the names that came up was Ted Nugent because I'm a fan of his music. I think he's one of the best guitar players I've ever seen yet. He and I would probably disagree on one or a few topics. And so we actually pitched it to Ted. who said he loved the idea, but he said I gotta go busy with the he had a ton of tour dates. So I think he's on now. But he said I want to talk to Henry to thank him for thinking of me. Okay. And so Ted called like on my phone in the office. I guess he got my number from the powers that be. And suddenly it's it's Ted on my phone. I met my desk like, okay, this is surreal. And we talked for a few minutes, and he said, you're like, what do you think I'm a bad guy? I'm like, no, I just, some of the things you say, I just, I kind of take my breath away. And then we quickly got on the topic of music. He said, you like all that old Detroit music? I go, yeah, man. I mean, you, Mitch Ryder, the Stooges MC5, I mean, it's kind of the best It's some of the best music I've ever heard. I mean, as far as I asked him, I go, what is it? Is something in the water? What is it with you, Michigan, guys, and guitar tone? Like no one gets tone. Like you, Ron Ashton, Stuja's Fred Sonic Smith, MC5. I go, you guys, I mean, you're so good. And he said, you gotta, we gotta hang out sometime and we'll just talk about music. I want, I'll do that with you. So I'll be taking notes. And he was just telling me, You know, like, yeah, he's to hang out at the MC5 house and go see the stuages and I'm like, you can't let me, because this is like, you know, I, that would have been heaven for me to see those bands like back in 1969 or whatever.

As a puncher, I would go see him like in high school in the 1870s, you know, Carter administration. I'd go see him at play in my local arena in Washington, DC in a place called the Capital Center in Largo, Maryland. And he was as good as rock and roll gets. I mean, it was, I saw the double-life guns online up. And like forget it, it was like two and a half hours of just getting beat up by music. It was fantastic. And to this day, it's still a high watermark as far as gigs. And in the 90s, I met him on politically incorrect Bill Mar. And I said, hey man, I'm a big fan. And he gave me a bow hunting catalog. I'm like, well, thanks. You know, for his whack master, you know, you get the croquet mallet in the, and the bow. Anyway, I kept it until I'm a fan. And then I met him years later, and I do this radio show, like St. Patrick's Day 1997 to Cressley promote my next record. And I said, we met years ago, and we got to talking for a couple of hours. And it was just about music. And I played in some of my new record, which you really liked. And he between the commercial breaks, he was like playing riffs for me. We had a little headphone amp and he was sitting across from me on a stool playing. I'm like, this is pretty cool. And so that's the kind of relationship I have with him. You know, you read some of the things he says, you're like, OK, that's really hard to take. But those records, they're just so good to me. And I saw him play in 2000, opening for Kiss 2001 somewhere in there. And he was great, great. The tone, the playing, just fantastic. And so he's just an interesting bunch of guys. A bunch of guys. You want to mean? Because like, he can finish a sentence. He's not stupid. He's hilarious. He has a steel trap memory. But then he'll just say, you know, the Obama's a subhuman mongrel. Like, man, you don't need to talk like that. Right. Because there's people you will inspire to punch some black guy in the parking lot for no reason. Like something bad could happen if you talk like that to the millions of people who love you. Like someone will get that message and they'll go south with it. And when you're in that position, I don't believe in self-censorship. But I think you should be careful of what you say. I think there's some merit in having some control of yourself. And so I don't completely understand.

You know, I know that there's some people that's how they get their next book deal or whatever. For myself, I would never want to trade in that because my reality coming up through punk rock and all of that is very, very immediate in that I don't say anything about anybody without expecting them to hear it and with me turning the next corner like going to my car in your parking lot and having that person waiting for me at the car saying, hey, you said this and having them be able to hold it up on a tablet and say, and so I watch what I say, because in my mind, I answer. I will have to answer to all of it. And so I would never say something where someone goes really, well, today's the day we're going to see who can kick us as ass. Because, you know, men have this wrong idea that they can't be beat. Are you kidding? Yeah. Anyway, kick it not on the ground. You think you're tough. There's always, you know, you're in the business of tough guys.

But I would always wait until I was in front of that person. And I have waited. I've invited my time with people I don't like and you get into a conversation. And all I have said, you know, very calmly. I think you're a ridiculous person. I think you're a standing walking talking billboard for cowardice.

But believe me. But I waited. The only people I'll rip on are politicians, like some member of Congress, I think, is just an inactive waste of food. That'll say anywhere. hoping a little bring him to me so I can say it to his or her face but for the most part the way I was brought up in the world of music and the street is if you say something that guy will be lining you up for a broken jaw so you better mean it But maybe just wait until you guys are in a room and see what you really want to say. Because sniping from a windowless room from somewhere or being a keyboard activist, that doesn't mean much to me.

That's actually just only been my experience with him.

I've had really cool conversations with him. Yeah, and I'm a hyperfan of the records. I mean, it's gospel to me that those records are in my DNA.

You know, not here to rip on them. I just honestly do not, I can't reconcile the conversations I've had. We super friendly and happy that you're a fan of the guy. And then you, you watch some things he says uh you know on some stage somewhere you're like wow that's that's just bummed out my whole evening like that's like yeah okay like that's you that's the first amendment go do your thing but like wow that's this currency in that though I really think that that getting that charge out of saying that outrageous thing it keeps the ball rolling in some way it's not a ball like want to roll though I don't want to roll that boy it just doesn't seem sustainable yeah

Yeah, yes, so do I. Showtime special tomorrow Friday. What's tomorrow? The 11th. The 10th. Sorry. Friday, August 10th, 10 p.m. East Coast, West Coast. Showtime. It's called Keep Talking Pal. And so there it is. 10 seconds on that. They said, what are you going to name it? And I said, keep talking pal. They go, what does that mean? It's just how you talk yourself in and out of trouble. Like, you're about to get punched out, like, keep talking pal. If you don't get a laugh, you're not getting out of this bar. And that's kind of how I came into talking shows was being as a young guy, skinny, unriddling, not a good fighter, not a good fighter at all. You know, just not into it. And, you know, the local bully, I've said something snarkier, funny, and you know, all of a sudden he's got me by the scruff of my shirt with a fist in my face. And the only thing you can do is like imitate him so much that everyone else laughs and like he has to drop you, because he's now like, drop, will drop your collar, not your body, because you're now making him laugh. And so when in doubt, keep talking pal, and the fact that I have a quote, comedy special on Showtime is so unlikely. from some guy from the minimum wage working world, I don't believe it myself. And so they said, what are you going to call it? And a lot of these, you know, people have a lot of confidence. I'm going to call it like destruction. Me and my mighty wing take this. I don't have any of that. So like keep talking pal, because I know I'm really not supposed to be there.

$5. 1983, a little venue on Hudson, right off of like about 10 paces north of Santa Monica Boulevard. It's like a treat the dead ends on the Santa Monica Boulevard. It was an art space there called the Lossic Club and there was a local promoter in town, amazing guy and he would get like 25 people on stage in one night everyone gets five minutes and be the singer of that band the drummer of that band that artist that poet like real artists who speak for living and then the guy with a funny tour journal or the guy from the band that we all like and he's going to be an idiot for five minutes and these shows were really fun because it is people on our off stage all night long like running off stage And the base player in Black Flag, trucked to Kowsky, the fat, fantastic intellect. He would get invited onto these bills. I would go with him because we were beach guys. We lived in the sticks and the gigs were in Hollywood so we'll go into the big smoke. We'll go see the big city. I'd go with him because he had the band van. He'd go into town. I'd tag along. So he'd read out of some notebook, his pocketbook, dick rantings. And one night the promoter said, you got a big mouth. Next week, you five minutes or like, would have seven minutes, five bucks. Well, I could think of was the five bucks. And like what I could go, we're starving. Yeah, as any band was. And so the next show I got on stage at Lassa told a story about what had happened to band practice the day before where a white supremist in a car tried to run over our guitar player because we had brown skinned people at our band practice and so he yelled he accused our guitar player of being a beep lover and tried to run him over on his way to the liquor store to get some orange juice. So our guitar player comes back a little shaken. I nearly got run over by a neo-Nazi, and let's go back to practice. And so for us, that was this Tuesday in the life of Black Flag. For an audience, they're like, you hear jaws hit the ground, and then I read something I had written. I go, well, my five minutes are up or whatever, it wasn't I left the stage. And it felt right. I felt like a fish dropped into water for the first time. I'm like, hey, I'm a fish. I did never banned, but I had no stage fright, and this me and a microphone, it felt more natural than music ever felt, which was cool to do, but never felt natural. This felt like this thing is in me. It's got to come out. I'm serving a monster. Where the talking shows like, yeah, this is me. And after the show, people came up and said, what's your next show? I said, well, I'm leaving on tour. They go, no, no, no. When you're just talking, I said, well, no, that's a one off. I got this $5 bill. I'm out of here. And so the engine, the promoter, I said, okay, you're very good at that. You're a natural. So how about this? I promote all these different poets and performance artists. I'll get you all, I'll give you 20 bucks. You'll do 20 minutes opening for this guy. Okay, so I did 20 minutes. And then after a handful of those shows, those poet types were opening for me. because the black flag aspect kicks in. Like, what are we going to do? From black flag people show up. And I guess I was good enough. And so those poets weren't that happy, like, I'm out opening for this guy. Okay. And that was 83 turning into 84. By 85, I had gone to Europe for some poetry festival, which I kind of blacked on to in Holland. I had done a cross country tour, 12 to 50 people at night sleep on the motor's couch, go by Amtrak. and started my little book company are 8384 self-published to this day.

And it went from strength to strength. And now it's a 14 month tour that takes in 20 countries, multiple nights in cities at nice theaters.

We used to. Many years ago, people I knew, I thought were great writers. I put them out. We licensed Nick Cave's books from his publishers in Europe. We licensed a few different titles. We did photo books in a couple of novels, short story collections, and it's very hard to have a book company. It's hard to sell a book in the world, unless it's like Stephen King or Danielle Steele. Let's mega, you know, at the at the cash register at the airport store. If you're selling poetry books, different kinds of literature, you are nothing but uphill. My books did okay. They still, they always do okay. Everyone else's books is like trying to sell dead animal guts.

No one's that interested. They'll look, but they don't want to take it home. And so we stopped signing new writers, sold through the press, runs, let the licenses run out. Everyone got to keep their masters. And then we just concentrated on me because I keep a whole staff busy with all the stuff I've got going. And so we publish, but we publish me. And I've done a bunch of books. How many books you read? About 27. Holy shit. I got nothing else going on. All the two of them. I wanted to do a photo book a few years ago and Heidi who runs all my company. She's the smart one. So I showed her the manuscript. She goes, OK, the book is great. But let's not do it on our company because it's a lot of startup money for a photo book. It's just a lot of setup cost. Let's get you a literary agent and do it somewhere else. And so it's a smart idea. And so we got a literary agent. And we did get a book deal with the very good Chicago, as a Chicago company, Chicago review. I'm forgetting. And they put out the photo book. And that was a learning experience, like working with an editor, like, oh, well, here's the cover. And they go, well, well, we're going to have a meeting about that. I'm like, you're having a meeting. It's my book. It's my book cover. So I'm used to owning my own machine. But when you work with other people's money, everyone has a big opinion. So that book came out and continues to do very well. And many years ago I did a kind of a best of, I'll have any best of material. I did a best of for random house many, many years ago that you still see it's in print and that's a lot of people's first book of mine because it's in stores. We pulled my company's books out of circulation because of Amazon because they can actually sell it cheaper than we can because they don't mind making five cents on a book because they're selling 80 billion books a second. So we pulled ourselves out of distribution and now it's very much the website and it live shows. And we have less returns. We don't get a pallet of damaged books coming back that were you know abused in some bookstore in a shopping mall in the Midwest like heavily thumbed but never taken home.

And so you just sell them on your own. Yep. And you might not sell as many, but you don't get 1100 returns. You got 1100 returns. Well, you know what I mean? Well, when we were selling everyone else's books too, you get like a palette of like books that look like a dog chewed them. Or like remainder stickers, it is what it is. And so I am extraordinarily small of fame. I sell lots of books. They do create as ebooks as well. In fact, that's kind of overtaking. I'm not an ebook guy. I like to take a marker and mark books up. And so I buy paper ones. But apparently, the real world likes to read on their tablet. And so all my books are on that platform. Thanks to Heidi. And apparently, they sell very well. I don't keep track. I just write them. I don't count them.

Oh, I would tell you to read Blood Meridian by Corn Maccarthy. I would just tell you to read a real writer. Get in the van. My tour journals from Black Flag. It's just a people like that book. It's in a bunch of different languages. It's just a cool insane read of like living this very a feral life, like you know fighting women and music and relative poverty. That's a fun one to start. I like the travel books I've been writing last few years. I travel all over the world. I write these books from these places, like from a ship in Antarctica, from a tent in the deserts of Timbuktu. Those travel books I like quite a bit. A dull roar, they always have an awe in A at the beginning. A dull roar, uh, have to come up with the rest of the name.

Yeah, I'm kind of furious for work. But it's not what it's what I do, but it's also what I don't do in that I don't have a family and I'm not putting it down. I just don't have that. I'm just not chipped that way. I never thought of having kids. I don't have a wife. I don't have friends really. I most of the people I know either pay a salary or a commission to. My phone doesn't ring my old best friend from since I was 12 a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a.m. a But do they know friends part? Well, I don't I'm not looking for enemies. I'm not looking for a right. Of course. I just don't want to come over on the weekend for dinner. No. No, I don't. I have a good time at dinner with somebody. I'm just uncomfortable that I'll say the wrong thing. And I just act. I look at the table full of people go act like them.

I'm a deadbeat. I'd be a deadbeat friend because I never want to go with anyone to do anything. You don't have to. But we'll look at all the phone calls.

I, you know, as going to get in the way. Well, also, I'm just kind of moody in that, yeah, we're going to go on do this thing and then I don't want to see anyone do anything until 2028. And I don't want to cancel. And so here, this is my big, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, I did a song with William Shattner, Bill Shattner, on his album, and we became pals. Henry, come by the house for Monday Night Football. And he invited me to the house for Monday Night Football. He lives a few traffic lights for me. And I'm walking up the stairs to the living room with a big TV is, and I heard all this laughter and voices and I froze. And I was right at the threshold of the door and I said turn back to him back to him. I'm turning back Henry and he saw me and I'm like, hey Bill and I walked in and met all his really cool friends and he at least for me Bill is one of the nicest people I've ever met in my life and it's one of the honest friendships I have in that I've been going to Bill Shatner's house every year since 2003. So what's that? 15 years. Right. And I will be there this year. I'm on his next record. He's doing another record. Oh, yeah. I did the vocal last year. Rocket man. Um, this is, uh, it'll be fun. I'm not gonna, you know, it's for him to announce it. But um, every great once in a while, his assistant will contact me. Hey, Bill, really wants to see you, uh, how about like next to you guys? Are you free for next Wednesday? Go meet him and the wife and the valley and go eat him like, yeah. And it's great to see him in this amazing wife. And I truly value that friendship. I mean, I look forward to seeing him. I really enjoy hearing what he's up to because he was doing like five things. And it's become this thing where I really look forward to football season. I don't know much about football. I have no idea what a half back does. I think they run. I don't know. I never knew. But I like going there. And it's always the same group of people, people these known for like 500 years and they're super nice and I've kind of sort of known them like 15 years. And it's so odd because I have nothing else like that really in my life. I'm just a weirdo. Just William Shackman. Yeah, it's weird. Um, that's awesome. The other thing I would do once a year and sadly it ended. But for a few years, I would go to Gale's App as birthday party on January 1st because I would play a lot of her husband's music on my radio show, Frank Zappa, and one time someone in the family wrote me and said, Hey, thanks for playing dad on the show. I'm like, are you kidding? I love those records. And then gale the mom the wife wrote and said hey thank you and you know we know who you are here and and we like you I have a birthday party every January first once you come up to the house this year or next next year like you know and I I did and that was like three or four years in a row I did that until gale passed away and you know in the more you get there or whatever it is like two in the afternoon two hours before I'm genuinely nervous to go be in a room full of extraordinarily nice people with fantastically good food and everyone was always so nice to me and like it's like a hoose who you walk in you're like wow it's just all these people you recognize I'm not here to name drop but some of the tables I sat at that thing I'm like really am I really talking to like really fantastic And she was always so nice to me. And like last time I was up there, one of my books is like in the living room. I'm like, wow! And when she passed away, I wrote one of the family members. I said, I am so sorry. Thank you for the hospitality. Your mom was so great to me. And I'm kind of like the rescue dog. I'm used to being outside. So I don't... come inside very often. And I went to that birthday party because this is the friendliness of that. I wouldn't as socially nerve-racking as those things are for me. I had such respect for that extension of kindness. I cannot disrespect it by not going. I wouldn't dare. The samurai in me says, you do not disrespect. You must be respectful even if it makes you nauseous with social anxiety. Because I just don't know what to do. I can't say no because it's such a nice thing to do for someone. Like she must not really know how I am, otherwise she never would have invited me. But things like that, out of sheer politeness and respect for someone being friendly to me, I'm kind of a pushover just because I'm like, wow, that was so nice. I must salute that.

I wonder about the people who don't. Right. Like, I never, I get to do cool stuff. And the, before I go into that, on your point, it's easy for me to be in front of people. That's a very different thing than being with people. I can be the party, but going to the party's difficult. Put me in front of like five people. 5,000 people, states right now. I can't wait to be out there. You're a performer type. But you can love that audience so you think they showed up? Are you kidding? I'm a dog with a wagging tail. I want to get out there and get it going. I can't wait. I wait the whole day on tour to get out there. The whole day is about eight o'clock. You know, stage time. being amongst people like going to like a gallery event I go see a shepherd fairy thing or something and people are super nice to me and I'm always polite back but I'm a little nervous but if they say can you get up and speak for five minutes oh yeah I got this That's so strange. It is strange, but it's also a way to avoid being with people, be in front of them. It's a way to be in the room with people, just be the center of attention. So maybe that's coming from some kind of neediness or some deprivation as a, you know, what I didn't get as a kid. But you make a great point about that when you really think, well, this is where I belong. I think you lose all the fun of it. Yeah. And you turn into kind of a jerk. So when I every 500 years I go to one of those premieres, I get invited. And you're standing in a room full of tons of really good food. And now those people eat. So I just like go in there and come out nine pounds heavier, bunch of shrimp. I just eat but you I was on a big Hollywood premiere big big movie years ago and it's like that one that one that one that one and they're all like oh it is their lives and I'm with a buddy of mine we blacked in there and we're like what are we doing here this is so cool because we know we shouldn't be here And after shaking, I turn his hand 10 minutes later and back in my own kitchen going, that was so weird. Like what a surreal evening. And because my friend and I were staying next to each other, and he said, that looks like I turn out to no man, that is I turner. He looked like a human bare-cute, and he's like terrifying. He's like, let's go beat him. We bought a ticket. We're at the dance. Let's go talk to this guy. He's like, no, no, no, no. I just walked right over there. I said, you invented rock and roll, rock at 88. And he went, yes, I did. It shook my hand. Wow. And I said he first ever distorted guitar on tape, which is kind of true. And he went, that's right. And I ploughed him up. And he was all happy to meet me. And I said, hey, and here's my friend. And I brought my friend over and we shook his hand and kind of stood with him for a minute and went, OK, so it's probably not going to get any better for us. So let's get out of here. That's the way we ate so a few more handfuls of mini burritos. And we bailed. But it was one of those nights where we weren't supposed to be. And if I ever lose that, you know, then just never talk to me again, because I'll just, my head would have disappeared up part of me.

and anger. Yeah. I'm mad at it. I like fighting and I'm not fighting like in a ring for me. A lot of things are confrontation. Like tour is what you think I can't do 47 shows in 48 days. No, actually my next tour is 47 and 47. I have a day off and I have two shows a few days later in one day. So you think I can't? Well, in both 20 more. Like book 200 more in the winter and just give me a llama and a knife and I make every gig like like watch this and and that's so much of what fuels me like I'm gonna try to yeah and like I come up with these huge ideas for books like that's gonna take me five years to write it and it did and I just finished it it's going to the proofreader soon on this epic project it's it's a series of music books it's four hundred and seven thousand words why yeah it's a bit much But so am I. Is this idea? It's a, I don't know. It's a lot. Hopefully it's mostly on a hard drive. So we don't have to like deforest some park. But it was an idea I had. It's okay. This is going to take a lot of years to execute this idea. And so like watch me work seven days a week on this thing. Watch me stay up until the next day working on this thing. And a lot of what fuels me. That's what gets me into auditions. Like, I think, you know, like, hey, go audition for this TV show. I'm not an actor. So am I going, yeah, I'm going. And I sit in that hallway like 20 years older than all these other people. And they got like, good gym bodies on a fantastic hair, chisel bodies, and they'll know each other like this weird old man going for the same part. The only guy not dipped in cologne, I'm like, oh man. And I go in there and I bomb, of course. like my parking fast validated and listen to slave on the way home to take the lump out of my home. How often do you do that? How often are you auditioning for that? Depends if I'm in town and there's interesting things happening more and more. I don't know what's happening, but I take more meetings and just get more offers. Like, hey, we like you for this, yes or no. Cool. Yes. But there's auditions I do for voiceover, for like animated or like car ads or what have you in acting. I audition for all kinds of things and every great once in a while, the audition will get work. But mainly, I just get offers. We like you for this. It starts in October. I'm in. And that happens fairly often now. But I get in those lines at any major studio you want to imagine where I go in for the meeting with a casting person. They kind of look you over. But I do those raw auditions where you leave and you see like five head shots on a desk. It is what it is. And you get literally, you're out of there in about 35 seconds. You walk in. You're Henry. Henry. Are you ready? Sure. You have any questions? No. Stand on this piece of tape. She'll be reading with you. And you, you know. Thank you very much for coming in. And you leave the trailer. And you get back on the 101 and go home. And you never hear from them again. Often. For me, most of the time, out of 100 of those 98 times. I think that's for everybody, except putting it down. I'm just saying you asked about auditions.

It's a weird way to make your living. I mean, I've never relied on acting as my source income. In 1984, when I was 23, I had a thing that has been serving me up to sitting here with you now. I was very young in 23 years of age, a young idiot, and I looked all around me, and all my peers were super talented. who are my peers, my under threat, bad rains, who's going to do the meat puppets, the dead caninies. I'm just surrounded by really talented people who are brilliant, great songwriters, and between tours, many of them are waiting tables, living with mom, living on couches, you know, sleeping at ban practice, you know, with a kick drum, pillow as their pillow, just like you know, roughing it. And I reckon that I'm less talented than all of them. And if they're waders between tours, the only reason I'm not is black flag never stop storing. But we're the ball never hit the ground because we'd starve. And so I better get plans BCDE FNG ready because music's not going to sustain me. Ironically, it went very well for me. And so I was doing the writing. So I said, I'm going to really get better writing. I'm going to really bear down on this. The talking shows, I'm getting 35 people a night. I'm going to get 50 people a night. And then voiceover people started coming like, hey, can you do a voiceover? I got a voice. What do you want me to, I better learn to say yes to stuff. And by the mid 80s, hey, you want to be in a movie? Yeah. I'd be like, what do I have to lose except like calories from starving? And so it was fear of not eating that, you know, and knowing I'd better have a plan. And so I started developing that in the 80s and 90s. And from that came When I'm done with this, I'm going to go immediately into this documentary and then I'm finishing this radio show and then I'm going off to do this film and then I'm going on tour and then I'm coming back and finishing this book and it turned into this like juggling all these things. So I never had to be a full-time actor like that's how I pay the rent. That would be terrifying right up there with being a professional comedian. Like I don't know how someone acts for a living without being really good or out of their minds with anxiety. But being a professional comedian

Yeah, you see bands play really big places, and it's amazing how much money they don't make. Yeah, or each guy in the band gets, you know, really? Yeah. And then you see, you know, someone, like a small comedian playing like a 150-seater for two nights, two sets of night, you know, the, the laugh, whatever in the Midwest. And you're like, wow, you, wow, that's a pretty good weekend. Like, because he's just taking it home in his suitcase. Yeah, you can get by.

I just knew that the straight world has been in it. I come from it, you know, minimum wage work and everything. And I knew I couldn't survive in it. Because I, you know, you get as a young adult you start to figure out who you are. And I go, okay, I'm not an artist, but I'm an artist type. I'm nuts. You can't put me in a straight job. I can pass for normal, just because I can pass it. I can totally do it. Like you can put me in a rouse, a croaker, a Starbucks. I will totally get in there and hit the work and clean it all and serve it up with a smile. But I'll be going crazy inside.

I don't know, but I can't sustain in that. And I haven't had to for many years. I've been lucky. I've been in the world of lunatics since 1981 being a crazy person out with other crazy people. And when I look at a straight job and like man I don't think at this point I could hack it not because I'm spoiled just because I've never had to tether my adult mind to that I work seven days a week but on Henry stuff yeah it's me it's not it's a different thing it's a different thing that you enjoy that work and it's it's way over sixty hours a week I mean it's I do two shifts usually two eight to ten hour shifts depending on every workload well I can't Do four hours of sleep a night, but I actually I time my sleep I hit the stopwatch on the phone before I go to bed just just clock sleep patterns I did about six points something hours of sleep last night. That's good. It's good. I feel great today. I barely ate and I got into good work out and all last night did a lot of pull ups I played 15 seven inch records and between flipping him over, I got a beam in my living room. It's a beam coming out of the ceiling that supports me. And I just run over there, just do a bunch of pull ups and then go change the record.

You have to pay it, pay and pay. Thank you and all this by yourself. All alone. Yeah, but by bedtime, you are hurting and religious sleep. So I got good sleep last night.

Yeah, last night was pulling. Tonight at the turn table, I'll be listening to more records. I'll all just do sets of pushups next to the turn table.

Yeah, but I do it all night. And it's just, I'm not doing 50 sets, 50 reps sets. I'm doing like 15 to 25, but I'm doing them for quite a while. By the time I go to bed, it's Adville time. I'm like, oh, do old for this. But I work on something every day on tour. I don't take vacations. I'm not trying to brag. I just can't, I can't handle not doing it, whatever the thing is.

Yeah. It works on all levels. I can sustain, I pay my bills, I'm not bored, and I get for the most part to call my own shots. So you seem happy. Happy when I'm working.

Yeah. I value work. I'm an achievement junkie. Like if I'm depressed, I just pick something to do. Like finish a radio show, edit this thing, transcribe this chapter from a notebook. And after I'm done, I'm like, okay, that's the ante to present was actually doing something, which is not the worst. It's not booze. It's not a pill. It's the treadmill, or it's the damn thing I got to get it written. We'll shut up and write it. When I'm done, it's like an endorphin thing where I'm grateful another day.

Worked for me. Totally works for me. I've tried everything but drugs. So I've been battling with depression since I was a little kid. And I just knew it. What is this? It's just awful. And later I found out it was depression. And I don't want to do drugs. I just don't want it. My brain plus drugs. It's like someone else's idea. It terrifies me. So I had to figure out what do you do. And so that's where the gym you're working out really is a big help writing. But listening to music, that is like kind of my drug. You know, I just put the records on and like three songs in you're like, oh, there's that feeling buoyancy neutral. It's like floating in the tank where when you're scuba diving, you get your air just right in your floating. That's how I feel when I have the music on. I'm like, ah, this is as good as it gets. And that's why I always have, you know, record, I'm always looking at new records going to the record store. It's more happiness coming in.

The workout is maintenance. It doesn't achieve much, but I achieve the workout.

Yeah, it does. And as the Buddhists say, I made merit. went in there and did my time on the treadmill. I don't want to be there. You know, like, this like the last 15 minutes, I don't, I'd rather be somewhere else like, yeah, it's cool. You'll be fine. Sit out.

really I know you you have you have a great work out diversity you when you and I were talking before we're at your place and you said some mornings you feel like training this way and you'll go to that gym or you'll train like with a judo or whatever and then the next day it's going to be kettlebell so you really like to mix it up I think good for a body to always be guessing what's coming next

probably let's lose the lactic acid out of your muscle too. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you know, here's what I've observed. You know, I live in Los Angeles. So there's a lot of yoga people, but you know, I know them because they have a mat, but you could also see how they walk, how they sit. They're so in their body. Yeah. And there is a a grace to, you know, I'm not trying to put anyone in the pejorative, but a yoga person, where there's not only are they limber, they're just really okay. Though this, their body articulation, you're like, okay, I don't have that. I'm a herky jerky uncoordinated person, but there's a a hum coming from that person's overall body. It's just it's a beautiful machine the way they articulate themselves and the way they sit.

They have that. Yeah. And it's not subtle. I recognize it.

Yeah, I know a lot of fighters a lot of people who like are hectic for a living. Yep. They're yoga people. Yep. And like in the 70s, you say yoga is someone's gonna punch you. Yeah. Like yoga wham.

Are we talking about the Gracie that the family?

He has a dominal muscle control. Yeah, like who gets that muscle group? You never try an article, make it do anything.

Yeah, I've done a, you know, every once in a while, I've worked out with someone else and they go, okay, we're gonna do this in this. And then you work out, and then you let yourself be trained. Yeah. And I've done a few workouts, like, okay, I'm gonna kill you. I'm like, okay, what does that mean? Like, by the end of this, you won't be able to take your shirt off to change. And I've done, you know, where you're benching this much, then this much, then this much, you know, do like 150 reps. And by the time you can't lift the bar, and you can't lift your arms. You're literally trembling from exhaustion. And I've told that to people, they go, that's yoga. You will tremble from exhaustion. And you'll be so happy when you leave because of how good you feel and you can't wait to go back. And you won't blow your joint out the way you will with that lifting.

Yeah, there's no way around it. I've paid. Yeah, you know, I did a thing the other day on advice of Heidi the manager and Joey Diaz. I tried that cryo cryo therapist. Yes. And I am a, I'm, I'm a naysayer in lower case. I understand why it would work. And I'm not saying it's quackery. But I just feel like I'm in an Annie Hall scene when I walk into these places. Like, because it's like super, hey, where'd that whatever therapy? And I'm moonlight, and this is, and then like you shake the guy's handy damn your breaks your arm. These people are in incredible shape. And so I said, okay, you know, I got in the robe and I went into that room for two minutes and 45 seconds. And the Endorphin Rush, it's like a UPS truck of Endorphins. You come out of there like, Can I go back in? And since I got out of it, all I've been thinking about is going back in. In the parking lot, I just wanted to turn around and get another shot. And I asked the guy at the counter, I'm like, what is that? It's in Dorfins. It's as unleashes them. Like, fight or flight. You just get this rush. I said, I want to go back. He's come and see us again sometime. But it was incredible. And it's not long, like you're out of there before you know it. 10 minutes you're in and out. Yeah, but wow it I know that a lot of athletes and I know that you use it Joey Diaz, but all the on the brochure mainly all these sports teams like it's just

I mean, I don't do much as far as stimulants, like a coffee and aspirin, I guess. So I'm not even sure what the effect is if anything. And so it doesn't take much to make me go, well, that's different. You know what I mean? Yeah, and that I walked out back to the parking lot like damn. Yeah, that was fantastic.

Yes. Yeah. And how many how often, how many times a month?

Yeah, someone I know that she says it's all about inflammation. Got to beat the inflammation.

Yeah, that's for Gospels all that that's nothing good enough for you.

Yeah, I don't eat as much as I used to. I just feel so much better when I just skip the middle meal. And like, whose idea was it three meals a day anyway? You don't need that. Right. And I found that I can live very comfortably. I'm not into like torturing myself. I'm going to starve and nail myself to this chair. But if I'm too distracted to work as I'm hungry, I'd need to address that. But what I found is if I just kind of don't eat a lot after a couple of days I'm like a jet in the high air where you're burning no fuel because you're just in the thin air where I walk pie food going like that I've had like two meals in the last two and a half meals like in the last three days and I feel fine actually I feel like really bouncy. I don't need the the postwork out seven minute power nap. I feel in really good.

Yes, on the the woman I work with, you know, Heidi. She does that sometimes and I'll just follow her lead. So she'll go, hey, I'm doing this all. I'll try that because I just don't know this stuff and she knows a lot more about it than I do. So I just do what she does. And so. a few years ago I didn't do like one meal a day I was just trying it out no one told me to I was in India of all places and I was out all day taking photos and sweating and I would eat dinner and that would be it and I would like to sleep through breakfast and go back out with my camera so dinner became my meal and the first three days of that was a little tough And then it was like, I never wanted, I kind of felt bad when I went back to the Western boy. I mean, I got a lot of food.

Oh, we can adapt. You can live on pizza for the rest of your life very happily. You know, whatever.

It'll adapt to too much food, a fraction of what you used to eat. Right. But just, here's what I have found. When I start limiting the food, I'm more alert. my sleep is more restorative. And I bounce out of bed, like, I'm just flying out of bed. I don't have that afternoon drowsiness. I just stay with it. And I just feel way more buoyant and present. Yeah. Uh, type faster. Just concentrate more. And if I, when I'm on tour, it's usually I do one point something meals a day. Like I'm about to leave on tour. It'll be, it's an evening meal post show.

you know the body is like as it's processing it's incoming like really another order never gets to realize digestion like we're done it's always you're like a cow they're always processing nutrition And I wonder if that's a Western model, because in other parts of the world, people live very differently than we do. It is what it is. And the meal is almost just a thing that happens now and then. It's not like it's dinner time and we're going to talk about report cards and it's not like gathering. It's like the whole family works all over the city and they're going to eat. I think at some point where every even sleep you go to like parts like Vietnam and people are just like sleeping beyond the counter of the store. They work at because they've been for a day and a half because mom can't come in so they're running the store and then sleep is this thing that you get now and then and I think food is like that in a lot of parts of the world like a meal. The next time I eat, it'll be the next time I eat.

No. Depends on where I go. I'm not that guy who just brings it all from home and I never leave home when I'm abroad. But I can't afford to eat a bad meal and be a bad ridden for the next day when I should be out, hitting the streets, looking at stuff. And so I've had, you know, as you do, you run into the bad meal where you're like hugging a tree, watching the arc of vomit. Like, wow, I'm into Blair. And I've done that from here to Myanmar and Russia, wherever I've had some bad meals. And so when the food looks dodgy, like in the interior of Africa, when you point at the meat object and go, what is that? And the guy will say, I think it's goat. Clif bar, it's just because... I just can't, and so what I've learned to do and it's hard on your back is it's a lot of weight. I take, say I'm going to be out in Africa for two weeks. I bring about two meals worth of chow with me. That's a lot of nuts, a lot of cliff bars, a lot of like peanut butter, you know, things that just don't go bad in heat. Where I can just look at the food and go, no, not tonight, it's going to be a handful of almonds and this and water. Also in parts of the world where water's dodgy, you find a store, you buy the box of water, rip it open to make sure it hasn't been tampered with, buy the whole box, put it in your backpack, and lug 40 pounds of water for the next five days. It sucks. But you can't be somewhere and go like, I'm thirsty and I don't know about that water because I thought about that.

No, I've never gotten that high tech. I've been in some pretty dodgy places, but I've always been somewhere in prep like a city before I go into the country sign where I go, okay, it's gonna be five days before I see anything like this again. So I'm provisioning for eight days. That's a good thing.

Yeah, because there's parts of like mainly Africa where you go really in. Mm-hmm. The water, like, that's a lot of mosquitoes. You see the local drinking, like, clearing the larva out of the way, like, don't do that. Like, what do you mean? That's, that's our water.

Yeah, I've been working on and off with a water NGO for many years called Drop in the Bucket. And I've been to Uganda and South Sudan with them. They drill at schools. And as a Westerner water system thing we sing in the shower with, it's always around. You trip over the bottles. There's so much water. In other parts of the world, as you know, not so much. And when you see the impact of water on the school, there's so many things you don't think about. And so I was at this one school where they had drilled, dropped in the bucket of drilled like before, and we were there to visit the well and meet the kids in Masaka. It's I think north of Kampala. And what one of the drop in the bucket people says, they now have toilets and running water. Do you understand what that means for female literacy? What do you mean? A woman, a girl, hits a certain age. She goes through a major physiological change. If there's not running water, then a way for her to clean herself up. There's a lot of potential shame and self-consciousness. You stop going to school because there's not a way to keep yourself together and you stop your learning stops at young adulthood but with running water and a way to, you know, as we Westerners do so easily, you keep yourself hygienic and you can go back to class and learn to read. And I was like, I never would have thought of that. Had I not come on this trip. And it hit me like a truck. Because he's like, what I'm thirsty. Water means so much more. Just dignity. Like, I want to be clean. You and me we throw our clothes in the laundry every day. Clean clothes. I mean, you see these women walking eight miles each way with the Jerry cans of water. Some of that's for drinking. A lot of it's for cleaning clothes. Because they're sending their kid to a school. I want the kid. You know, human dignity, water, and all of that is a big, you know, you can't have dignity with the water because water means I don't stink. And you must take me, you must respect me as a person because I don't smell like I've been living in these clothes for a week. And I learned a lot of that by traveling, but traveling with that NGO was a, you know, like going this class, it was huge.

In human dignity, you know, it's why we have a lot of angry people in the world because you and I as Westerners, we don't suffer. There's a lot of indignities that we don't suffer. that a lot of people in the world work hard to not suffer. Like they say, like, okay, have to go get the water today. You know, that's a long trip. Gotta walk to Long Beach and back to get the water because there's no tap. And I got kids and, you know, infants. And I gotta make this work because I can't have my family stinking and I gotta do the cooking.

The monkeys, they smell the water and they mug you for the water. Really? Yeah. They just assault you on bite and then grab the water knock it over and just lick it off the ground. Yeah, people get assaulted in dry season by monkeys. Yeah, so these little creeps but just you see what people do They're not trying to be rock stars all they want to do is what you and I do just without even thinking twice and that you know, it's made me as an older guy I'm pushing 60 It's made me really reconsider human relationships, like our current political climate, the way people talk to each other now. It's sometimes kind of terrifying. And it makes me really reconsider human dignity, respect, patience. Like there's a lot of people I disagree with, but they're coming from something real, like something very real, they're an honest, propel them to make that sign, or to do that thing. And the cause and effect, I think there may be wrong-headed, but the cause is real, and the effect is sincerely, the action is sincerely held, the motivation. And it's that kind of travel, and looking at how people, they don't want much, they just want to get by, by and large, and It's maybe reconsider kind of how I voolive with everyone out in the world. I think I'm getting better at it because it's so hard.

You'll grow as much as you want to. Yes. And I've met 70 year old who wear me out. I'm like, I can't keep up with this. Like I go on some cool eco travel trips. You go like Antarctica and these old like, come on, you're like, I can't. You go to take a photo or a shirt. And then you meet people who are 22 and they're so burned out. And they're so hard to be around like, man, if I had your youth, I'd be bouncing off the planet. What are you doing? And it's just a mindset. and all kinds of surrounding factors and forces. But it's really just what you want to do at a certain part of your life. I have very little sympathy for adults in that you're 35. This is all you pal. Your dick shins, your crap marriage. That's all you. Like I don't have that much. Well, I did so much coke. I don't have a house anymore. That's a lot of coke. and I'm sorry that you're living in a box or in a van down by the river but come on man that's a long hill you slid down yeah so get up and don't do it don't make the same mistake but adults come on man you know who you are at this point And you know what you can be. And at this point, I have poor rudeness. I hate it. And I hate when I'm rude. I have to punish myself. And so as I get older, I'm working as best as I can to be more clear, to be more polite and more patient. Just so I'm more unavoidable. Like on stage, I don't curse. So there's no way you can marginalize me.

How many times have I sworn in this room with you right now on that today? I don't think you have. I haven't. I keep track. Why is that? Many years ago, almost 10 years ago, I was going out with a woman who never cursed, and I work with people who don't curse, and you they get their point across. And I, this girl I was going out with, she's fantastic and she never cursed and my sailor speak. I was like, wow, I don't have any company here. And also Barack Obama and President's traditionally don't curse. But he had such a good way with words. I just admired him on the stump. I'm sure he was all written for him. But nonetheless, I just like how the man carried himself. And I said, I want to be more like that. And I was just in Australia a couple of weeks ago, speaking, and I was on a very interesting panel about me too, as the only male on the panels fascinating. And a guy came up with his kids, like, hey, a big fan, and I want my kids to meet you, and my son's 11, and I want him to come see one of your show's one day. I said, oh, I think he should see me on my next tour here in 2020. where he'll be like, what, 13? No problem. And I'm not saying my show is Nambi Pambi, but I want to be unavoidable, where you can write me off, say I'm wrong. Fine, disagree with me, that's fine. Like, oh, he's just a foul mouth. So we don't have to take him seriously. I don't want to give you that handle to jerk me around mine. I have a plenty of other handles. You can jerk me around by. Yeah. And so I'm just trying to not give people that angle. And it forces me to evolve my point of view. where those words are fun and hyperbolic, but they just don't serve me. They don't get across what I want to get across. That's interesting.

everyone will believe it. Yeah. Like, oh, he's serious. But yeah, if you just drop it all the time, and I believe in the first amendment. But to me, it's when you use that stuff, you come in as one thing, but everyone, you kind of, the result is you're something else to see a lot of people.

Yeah, and impact, you know, I'd rather be articulate than overbearing. And I, you know, I watched the news and some of these pundits are very, very educated and they're very, very sharp. They're pundits for a living. They make commentary for a living and they're damn good at it. And you're like, wow, that's a hell of a sentence. I'd like to be able to rock something like that one day. And that's kind of what I admire as, you know, I start shrinking with age.

When I'm out in the world, I'll be at all day, like taking photos or whatever, voolay, voing with the locals, getting information. Then I come back somewhere and I write it up. Or I'll take, you know, sometimes you're in a place like Haiti, you don't want to be outside at noon. This sun will just like beat you up. So you find shade, make your notes. Some always trying to make notes. And then at night, I write it all up. a lot of that turns into a book like I use every part of the deer like when I go somewhere I make soup jewelry a coat every part gets used and so the books come from that but some stories from those travels I mold them over in my mind and I like the the show for me when I'm on stage it just can't be mere reportage There has to be, there has to be an aroma coming from it. There has to be a, there has to be something that a wisdom or some kind of melody that comes from the raw information. Like I took all these notes and got the house, the holy album, which is just if it's component parts, but it was mixed together in a way where it's like this beautiful thing. And so that often takes weeks. We're like, so I saw this. What was the story? Well, the guy fell over and, but no, it wasn't at six weeks of thinking about it. It wasn't him. He's not the story. It's the guy who's watching and did nothing. That's the story. And all of a sudden, the whole angle changes. And so I'll mold these things over because I have a lot of time. I live alone. And so by the time a story gets to the stage, it's like a stone that's been rolled and polished. And I will, there's parts of the valley, then sure a boulevard, where at night there's nothing but dog walkers and joggers, all the shops are closed. I will park in a parking lot, and I'll walk about a mile each way, talking out loud, saying the stories out loud.

Yeah, Henry's practice is one man show. That's why I don't give the location. Because you will go, wow, I remember that one. And I will let my brain hear my voice say them. And I'll make edits while I'm walking. OK, no, that's a dead end. And I've been doing this for years. And I do it on the treadmill in my mind. You know, like, I'll just like kind of humble to myself, where people will come over to Jim, like, are you OK? Like, yeah, I'm just, you know, just say actor and like, oh, yeah, no. Yeah. And that's the kind of preparation I do because I don't believe in warm-up shows. Like, who wants to see your warm-up show? Like, oh, thanks for your demo. Like, screw you. I paid money. I want a game. And so I only understand, come in with a game. And so I do all my wood shedding. alone. And so by the time I hit stage, it's that story is very evolved. And then it continues to every night. You know, I keep shading the parts off and it's a chiseled thing of beauty a few nights in.

like on my showtime special tomorrow night at 10 p.m. you'll hear stories and that's called keep talking about it is and a lot of that is just storytelling and it is funny I mean but I always leave room in my resume because I don't want to time myself to comedy because when I'm telling the story about the part of wherever I would like Bangladesh I was in that wasn't funny. I don't want to be in a comedy club with some guy going to wait a minute. I didn't pay for this. Make me laugh idiot. And so I don't want to be selling a false bill of goods. And so sometimes it's quite often it's funny, but sometimes it's not. But for me, events plus time, if someone didn't If there are no casualties, if it was this mere injury, maybe an eye, it is pretty funny. A week later, after the scabs of fallen off, it's pretty funny.

Yes, and I need that freedom. I can't be dependent upon to make you laugh all the time.

and do what I do.

One time, the venue I was supposed to be and got knocked out because of a storm. And so they said, we've moved your show to the left dungeon. And I was in some place in the East Coast with like 80,000 head shots on the wall. That little part K stage, the PV boxes, the PA, screwed into the wall. And I did my talking show, my audience are all sitting at these tables going, why are we here? And on the last big tour in 2016, I don't like nights off. They said, okay, thanksgiving. I said, fine, me as show. They said, we found you as show. It's a comedy club next to a strip bar. And there's no backstage, there's no monitors, there's just two boxes in the wall, family owned, really nice people. And I forget where was somewhere in Illinois. I was one show, one night. My tour bus was rumbling away in the parking lot. The next night I think was like three nights of Ralphie May. the great comedian, but it was a straight-up comedy club. And I went in there and I just kind of did what I've been doing for like the last nine months on the road and a lot of it was very funny. And the audience was fantastic. And so the owner, I came up to the artist, I played this place again any time. Thank you so much. And he said, well, you know where we are, any time we loved it, we like you and you're always welcome here. And that I don't know if it was my audience or a comedy audience. I said, how do the show do you? So I always sold out in a day. I mean, you're your name. And I think, but this is, by I said, so the audience, you know, I recognize these people. This is my local comedy crowd. They just, they just know you from sons of Anarchy or whatever. So we'll see how you go. And it was fine. And it turned into like this two hour laugh riot. I mean, it was just great. It was a super fun show.

No. Because I torture him enough.

Can I ask you a professional question for feel free to edit this out when you're on stage and like you're doing like a big theater like we're you're the main guy like a big Saturday night somewhere how long are you on stage for usually an hour and 10 to an hour and 20 minutes okay 70 to 80 minutes yeah okay I just fascinated because I live in a bubble I just do my own thing I'm on stage like two hours and 40 minutes it's

So it's too much people the most and they'll do a total of 40 minutes and then this is what brief intermission.

And so the whole thing, you would be two hours. It's like two point something hours. It could be two hours.

And are you ever on your own with nobody? Never. Okay. So there's always an opener. Yes. Usually one. Yes. And so that's 20 minutes and 70 to 80. So the whole night is

And so they get how many two night two sets of night do you do often yeah seven and a nine.

I just, you know, I work alone. Right. And I don't have a pure group, really. If I do, I'm not trying to find them. And I'm just curious about how other people do their things. I live alone in a tour bus, like with, you know, a road manager and a bus driver and a merch guy. And I have no opener. Except in Australia, there's a rule they want one for one. And so there's this open, revused for years. I know Australia, you know.

they want to you want American want Australia which I really like they used to do that with music you know they don't do that with me when I'm there bring American openers oh well they um with me the last few years like I've gotten to bigger places and my agent said okay You're gonna have an opener and I've used this guy used him. He's done like shows with me for like three tours. He's hilarious. Really low keys. A really nice guy I'm forgetting. Well, I see the guy every three years. So it's not in the memory, but he's great. And he's super funny. He's real smart. And the audience loves him. I mean, I think he's kind of known, but he's great. And he just like, I don't know, 20 minutes, whatever it is. And then I go do my thing. But that's per, it's not in every city in Australia. It's like in a couple of places. Oh, so there's like some kind of thing regional rules. Yeah, and that's happened a few times with what I would do music like okay four guys on stage We're gonna have a four person opener like okay, man, and I kind of like that like give the local band some time or give the local guy a moment in front of his hometown audience or let him tour with me. I love that idea But that's the only time at all every once in a while. I was at Bonnaroo once And it was tremendously lopsided. It was me and Tignetaro, who's amazing. I don't know, we're very well, but I've seen her on stage. And she didn't exactly open for me, but she did half an hour, and I did like an hour. They cleared the tent, and then Cheech Marin came on. But Lewis Black was before me. He was like three tent loads of people in one night at Monaro. And that's the only time I've ever Don't it everyone's gonna be the festival where you're like the eight to nine thirty guy and then the ten o'clock guy comes on stage But quite often I'm just on my own on tour and I'm the only thing on stage.

So when presidents get together, there's like four of them. They're kind of chummy because they might be opposed, but they all kind of know they're the only people who know that stuff, especially when they're out, especially when they're out.

That's why I noticed when the when Obama welcomed the president elect Trump to the oval office for that 90 minute meeting that Trump thought was going to last 15 minutes. Obama looked like Tudon Kamoon. He just like his like skin was so drawn across his face. It's like a snare drum. I must have been so exhausted. I think any president can see he's going to shake it over. Just any president like George W. Bush. was to me a handsome energetic guy when he got into office. But eight years in 9.11 and in the invasion occupation of Iraq on the way out, his face had fallen, his hair had died. And I'm not a guy who hates him. Just disagrees. But the presidency killed that guy. I mean, I just think the stress, because you don't get the nice phone call. Hey, we got the cat out of the tree. It's like, hey, we lost eight guys. that thing you said go, it went south.

I mean, it just kicked his ass. And I'm not trying to put him in the pejorosis, it's just reality. It's like when you see those really amazing photos of Lincoln during the Civil War, or Lyndon Johnson, in those think tank meetings, him in McNamara, his face is sliding off his skull. Because he's getting those phone calls. Hey, we lost 600, 600 guys, Mr. President, really started to give you this news, because he insisted on getting the bad phone call. And you see what it does to a human being. And I noticed it with Bush and Obama, because those were trying times for both presidents, so they're trying very trying administrations. And I wonder what it's going to do to a guy who doesn't take care of himself, who is carrying a lot of weight, probably nowhere near the best diet. And I don't, I hope he doesn't have some kind of heart attack. I mean, I'm not the kind of guy who wants people to die. He's a good. But a man you look at, I'm like, man, you need to listen to the White House doctor get on a plan because they can really rock you. They can help you lose 40 pounds. by spring of next year. And you can really be feel better. You look at him. You're like, man, there's someone in the White House who can help you with that. Like, they're paid to get you on the track every morning. They can get him up at five in the morning, get him out there and he's not going to do it.

He's too bad because a president has all those people who are like ready, they're already in their jogging outfits. Like a dog who wants to go to the park waiting to train him. And his dietitian, they could like Rock those calories.

With that window that diet window you are talking about when you do eat. Are you eating you have a family? Yeah. Is it the dinner table or are you eating at home with the family?

Is your family is that meal targeted? Like nutrition for the kids, nutrition for dad. I mean, do you guys eat smart?

Well, I think I've noticed, I look at people when I travel. I just find our species as fascinating all over the world. You look at people's teeth. In parts of the world where sugar and corn syrup is just not normal. And you see, like, these 75-year-old women like carrying a couch up a hill. And their teeth are these bright white tree trunks, just like they're never going to fall out of their heads. Right. no dentistry, you know, that no noticeable dentistry and the teeth are gleaming white, maybe darkened from tobacco or tea, but nothing like in the west where their teeth are just getting assaulted by our own diet. And you see people of great age with like, they're just ripped and you look at what they're eating, like fish, rice, vegetables. And it's all lean, smart, food and that the sugars are all mono-saccharides like fruit sugar, you know, the occasional banana or orange is a treat, but you know, the sugars really not in the diet at all. Maybe rice should it be, you know, but not like we are doing it.

Yeah, I think you should use discretion. Yes, and she maybe not in the line at the supermarket. No.

Until, you know,

Don't drive into 11-year-old to suicide. Yeah, definitely don't do this.

Yeah, taste great. On the weekends, I like ginger beer. And they're the Bunderbergs. It's the same power as a Coke. I mean, it's a lot of sugar. Yeah. And I buy a four pack and I have one bottle a week. Saturday night, my big drink. This is a plan. He's going nuts. Look at him. He's got his drink.

It's just the best tasting stuff, but man, it tastes good for a reason. It's so sweet. And like you just want the next one when you're done. But man, I, and I could drink them all day, but I just can't do that to my system. So I do want a week. That's good discipline. Yeah. But it's like, you know, something to look forward to. Do you have a diet that you follow other than that? Yeah, I mean, I love ice cream, so I don't eat it. You know, I try not to, because I just, my body is slowed down with age. I just can't shed pounds. But I've never really had a weight problem. I've never, like, oh, I've got to like lose 30 pounds. I've just, I don't, my metabolism is such a, I'm always kind of like a greyhound, like it was kind of nervous. Well, you're always working out as well. Yeah, you know, I also have, I'm always kind of like, doing something. Yeah, and just kind of uptight kind of nervy.

I don't know, but I I would need a doctor to tell me, but it was a it's not a subtle drug. So when you're a little kid, but I try to eat as clean as I can because more energy, less need for sleep, and not feeling so bad all the time mentally, like not feeling like I don't want to do anything. With a good diet, I feel better mentally. And like I said before, I've been struggling with trying to feel okay. Not that I don't really need to feel good. I just want to be neutral. Not just like not in deficit.

I'm not asking for much. And good, I found a good diet really, really rocks that. Where I feel when I do the bad meal, like I have depression meal, like tons of carbs. For like a day later, I'm just like, oh man, I'm feeling every bite of that. And so I don't want to feel like that. So I'm like, nope, can't do that because it's just not worth it. So what kind of food do you eat?

Today I had a salad. with some chopped up chicken with a low calorie dressing on it and a cup of coffee. And tonight, I'm going to have a glass of carrot juice with a splash of beet juice and probably a cup of half a cup of coffee. The other half of the cup I started with. That's your dinner.

Yeah, I'll eat tomorrow. Wow. I'll be good in hungry tomorrow. If I'm feeling like I can't sleep, I'm distracted from hunger. I've got some peanuts in my room and all of some a handful of peanuts. See, very clean.

Oh, I thought very clean was like some kind of thing.

I try any clean because I have found I get great results with it. Like it is no joke. It totally works. And as we do in our line of work, I got a lot of stuff coming up, a lot of stuff like, you know, I got TV show, a lot of shows, a lot of a couple of speeches. I got a teaching a class at UCLA, what one day coming up. No, November. But what are you teaching? They just wanted to talk about music and culture. And I just got asked to talk about change at another place. And I have a bunch of shows coming up from here to Kiev Ukraine. And it's a lot of marks I got to hit. It's just what I do. And so I'm basically getting ready to walk out of the house until about Christmas and the hitting marks and not screwing up day after day, night after night. And so diet goes into that prep, big time.

I can't afford it. Like my car can't go off the road. I can't fail. I'm gonna be screwing up like if I hit that set, I'm gonna be on a TV show soon. I can't not know the lines. I can't be tired. I can't look like I haven't slept. I gotta be a game.

I try and I forget and then they go stale. I have the five lined up, my friend Heidi said, okay, here, here. And I got into it and eventually they get put in the cupboard and I, and then you look, I'm like, oh, three years ago. And so that's why I do like the carrot and beet juice just so that those kind of vitamins are coming through and I do that like almost every day. I just like the way it tastes to But no I I can't I've never been able to stick with it.

I never noticed. Oh, just the only I've ever noticed is restorative sleep for just general concentration and well-being and the cleaner I eat, the better I feel caffeine. I don't know if I get jumped up on it, I can't tell. And so as far as anything I've ever done working out is an anti-depressant. Good diet is an anti-depressant and makes me a more efficient way when I'm awake. Other than that, like I don't, I've never taken cod fish oil or whatever and said, wow, my joints feel better. I've just, maybe I'm just, I'm not aware enough. or I'm not expecting it to work. So I have no thing I can hold up and go this, this really helped me. Besides physical fitness, getting the work done, like you want to alleviate anxiety before an audition, rehearse, go in prepared. And then there's nothing to be worried about because you can't wait to show the guy what you got. And so preparation, good diet, and finishing the thing, So you can really clear the deck. Those are the things, because for me, my whole life is, don't be depressed. I work so hard, not to feel bad. A lot of what I do is to not feel really bad.

Yeah. I just don't believe that someone I don't know can come up with the drug that's going to work for my unique little mind. And I've seen people on anti-depressants. So how's that working for you? Like, I think I'm losing my mind. I've been doing this for three months and I don't know who I am right now. I have that problem anyway. any pharmaceuticals to enhance that I'm just basically afraid that's a legitimate concern yeah I think the brain is real fragile and I'm not one of those types you say all medication is bad I'm not that I just anything having to do with the brain I'd rather just deal with what I got right and use these more kind of on the ground ideas, like I'll just sweat a lot. I'm gonna do a lot of pull-ups. And whenever I do all like a ton of push-ups or like get on the stationary bike or whatever, I do feel better. And when I eat the lean fish salad, you know, the salmon in the spinach, I do feel better. I feel great. And that's good enough for me. Yeah, you've got successful strategies.

I do that. And I don't have a goal, like at 65, I want to be here. I have no idea where I'll be. I'm trying to get ready for 2019. I have no plans yet. I'm just hoping for a lot of work. I don't have those kind of long range plans. Unfortunately, I'm a short ranged to no ranged person. And a lot of my motivation is vengeance. And I know that Revenge and vengeance are synonyms, however. The fact that revenge has reinit, like you do this, I do that. Vengeance is just like the difference between aggression and hostility. Were you aggro? No, I'm hostile. What does that mean? Wham with the ash tray? That's hostility. You just hit me. Yes, but I'm not aggressive. I just like watching you bleed. And so... It's so ridiculous. Right. And I'm not saying it makes sense. I know. And so I don't believe in tit for tat. I believe in tit tat. Watch me just jump up and down and just break it all.

And so I wake up every day wanting to get back at every teacher. every guy at school, every bad boss, who would ever parent or to me. And like every day I out everything you man. And that's why I like, hey, it's for the morning you want to work. Yeah. Like, I'll work in a snowstorm, like, as someone I know, like, they go in vacation, like, have a nice vacation. And every day you're getting tan, I'm not quitting. Like, it's ridiculous. It's, I'm an 11-year-old. It's so juvenile. And it's, it's not cool, but it, I don't feel in someone. I don't spray paint your house. I'm not, I'm not flattening your tire. I'm just working. And when someone goes, oh, I didn't get up early enough. get how'd you get it five of those because I got up at three and I stood outside and I ate this rat tail and I climbed the wall and I got it and I got two of them and um because so you could have none like I'm just I'm so mad And I'm not, you know, I'm not trying to get somewhere by stepping on you to use you as a ladder rung.

It's the corner I come fighting out of. It's my true north is like, oh, yeah.

And it really works. And it's not like I'm not, I would never cheat someone out of something or steal from them. But whoever gets up earlier is going to get it. Then I just won't sleep tonight. My anger will keep me awake. What are you having for dinner this I mean that and that's all I need like you say I can't like then I'll just sit up all night To which because that's all I need.

Are you kidding?

Yeah. And this doesn't mean I'm walking over to hit somebody. No, no, I'm not looking to get beat up. I'm just motivating yourself. Yeah, and I don't have a tea. I don't have a bunch of, I don't have an on-trush. I'm just, oh, I got his meat. Like, at the palm palms out. Go, go, push him back, push him back. Oh, I got his meat. I'm up in my office, see, you know, like, at four in the morning, just like, okay, I'm on Australian jet lag. I'm gonna make it work. I've been up since 130. I'm gonna work for 16 hours. And I do. And why? Because I'm mad at it. Do I need to write another book? Probably not. Must I? Yes. I must.

And I make money. I never count it. The account does. I just we talk a few times here. I just say, um, am I doing anything horribly wrong? And she'll say it will from your receipts. It doesn't look like you eat very much, but you sure seem to like records. Are you eating those? But past that, I just book it. Put me in there. Like here's five shows. Can I five more? So I don't really count I want to do well. I want to pay my bills and I don't want to lose my house. I want to keep eating and filling the car with gasoline and going to the grocery store. But I'm not just trying to, hey, I got a lot of money. I can hang around. I got some money and excuse me. I really got to go. We still drive that boring car. The monster six still keeps getting me for me to be. Super boring, but damn to keep starting. Yeah, got me here. I love Japanese cars. I got it because Heidi said you're getting this car. The other car I had they took from me. The powers that be all of the voice of infinity car for about five years and they give you a new car every year and it's a good car.

They're great. Yep. And it's the car, the future. And when the contract finally came to an end, they said, okay, we'll come and get the car. This is a perfect example, Joe. We'll come and get the car in 30 days. I want no. Come and get it tomorrow morning. Screw you. Screw your car. And I said to Heidi because she's the brains. I said, I need a new car. She goes, you're getting a monster six. It's going to be blue and I'm picking the interior. Get in my car.

And we went to the lot. And two hours later, I parked the Mazda 6 next to the infinity that got taken while I was on the set of a TV show the next morning. And I drove my new car to the set. And I kind of shit compared to the infinity, though, isn't it? It's a different kind of ride. It makes you very humble, because you float in the nine journals, go, come on, we're working in the sunflower seeds fall out and every other car passes you and you're like, oh, I'm coming! And yeah, you get used to a nice ride. Um, but it's um, and that was that she said, uh, you know, what you will take a couple of days. I'll go, no, new car right now. But that's my question.

Yeah, I just go to Trader Joe's in auditions and To the Joe Rook and podcast No, I live a really utilitarian life like in LA when I'm off the road you don't even wear a watch No, use the phone. I use the watch when I travel just so I can just like see the time, see the time. But when I'm off the road, I just use the phone. It's just laziness. I live very utilitarian here because basically I'm just counting down the days before I leave again because a lot of my work happens out in the world location. like a film or TV show or just touring or traveling. Last year, Heidi said something funny, she said, you're driving me crazy at the office, like pacing and puffing like a wild animal. She said, I'm going to book you a trip and you can't know where you're going to the day you leave. I'm just going to get you out of here for 10 days, so like you're driving me crazy, I will kill you. So I said book it. And so I said, all I need is the right electrical plug in the basic temperature range. So I know how to pack. She gave it to me. And I picked the itinerary up, got in the car to go to the airport. This nice lady takes me to the airport. She goes, where are we going today, huh? I said, let's see where the boss is sending me. I said, I'm going to Lima, Peru. And so I was in Lima and Cusco for a week working on my book manuscript and walking the streets up in the Peruvian Andes up in Cusco. And so a lot of my life happens out in the world. So when I'm here, I'm just editing and prepping to get out of here. And so a car, low maintenance, clothes, low maintenance, inconspicuous.

I tried to try not to have anything on the shirt. I'd love to have a listen to Black Sabbath T shirt on. I'd wear that one every day. I love that shirt. But I'm always trying to slip through crowds and just head down. Just blank clothes.

So I get inspired by you and another people like I love getting inspired. I live a fairly solitary life, but I have a lot of heroes. I'm a fan of bands and people. I dig presidents and other people in other countries. I go to see bands play and they don't know what I have all the records. I have the bootlegs. I'm an Uber fan of so many people like a fraction of my age. Because I need that, I need to be pumped up by other people. And it works. You put on someone's record. Yeah, man, that's great. Well, he's 19. What does he know plays a guitar better than I'll ever. I mean, like, what are you talking about? Yeah. And so you can come in all kinds of ways. I mean, amazing people when I travel. So I need that. And the only thing good about me, in my opinion, is what I do. Like, don't be my friend. I'm no good. I'll help you move your house. I'll help you move or paint your house. But I don't want to come to Thanksgiving dinner. I really don't. But if you're in trouble, I'll drive from here to Ohio to get you out of the trouble. I'm so happy to bail you out of the jam. Um, let's don't want to come over for dinner. I don't want to come over for the holidays. And I, unless you're William Shackner. Yeah, we're right. So what's good about me when people I would love to hang out with you, I'm like, no, just, you know, your books are interesting. Thank you. Let me go write them. That's the only, when I'm on stage or got the books or the radio show I do in case you're at W, that's my human greatest hits. The rest of my life, I'm just a nervous wreck trying to get somewhere on time and kick ass. And so, I travel for months at a time with road manager ward. My road manager of many years, a top guy, fantastic guy. There's hours that go by where we don't talk. He's got a life. I have a life, and we sit on the bus, and hours go by, and there's no sound. He's up to TV, whatever's on his mind. It's fine. My, what's good about me is what you see on stage on the page when I do my little radio show. The rest of it, I'm not good friend material, but I will help your ass out of a jam. Like, hey, I'm in Long Beach. Can you come bail me out of jail? It's three in the morning. I'm so ready to do that for you.

I don't know what it is. Why do you find, I don't know, but that doesn't bug me at all. I'm just happy to kind of be the dog with the bottle of alcohol. Yeah, yeah, yeah, running up the hill. Because I'm so happy to get you out of a jam. Just, hey, coming meet the family, please don't make me meet your family.

I think Heidi set that up. You'd never met him before. I did think that was via Heidi via you. Yeah. I knew who he was and he's a really loveable guy as soon as I met him. I liked him just by seeing him online. But when I met him, there's nothing not to like he's so honest. He's full, full exposure. Like who he is? You get it in 60 seconds. Yeah. And I think it's why people like him because there's no BS. And like, you know, there's the good, the bad of anybody. He lets you know who he is in the first five minutes and you can take or leave it. Yeah. But there's no ambiguity. And I really like being around that because you can be yourself because he is show enough being himself.

I mean, it was we we spoke for a while on his podcast had a great time And he's one of those guys if he called me a three in the morning. Hey, I'm in trouble. I'm in San Diego. I'm like, hold on Give me three hours. I mean, I'll help you coming meet the fan. I please Send a card That's so specific But yeah, I'm just I don't want to come over.

But I'm not what I'm trying to get across as I'm not mean spirited.

Yeah, just a little a lot of work. Yeah, but always ready to help.

And trying to get better. I mean, I work with big actors. Big rock stars and the big rock stars. Like one big rock star once one time said to me, I opened. He said, is there anyone out there? I said, ah, like 19,000 people. You smell the WD 40. That's how they got the last thousand people in. Are you kidding? He said, I'm always worried that no one's gonna show up. I said, when was that ever been your problem? He said, well, never, but who is this? Ozzy.

Yeah, who's just one of my favorite people. He's just, he's another guy. He's honest. How many people? Hey, both of them. Well, I said, are you kidding? We're like in some Floridian Mega Dunn. That was like the won't be anyone else ever.

And he goes out there in the PlayScope and that's the show is great. Of course. And I said, you worry about people, don't show. I get really depressed, man. And I went, okay. And You know, well, I did the beacon theater once many years ago in New York, beautiful room. Love that place. I was, I was a few days later, I was at MTV doing something with like Matt Penfield or somebody. I was living in New York and I'm leaving and the courtesy lady, she said, hey, George Carlin is in the green room and he wants to meet you. I want to wait a minute. dumb question. The George Carlin, because I've been listening to that guy since I was in eighth grade. Class clown and occupation fool actually came out for me to go to the record store. They were not nice price records. They were what was on. That's how old I am. Memorized by eighth grade, of course. And I said, George Carlin wants to meet me. Okay, walk in and there's George Carlin. He's there to promote his next HBO thing. And he's going to do multiple nights at the beacon theater place I would never sell out. He's going to do a month there, whatever. And he said, hey, I'm, I said, Mr. Carl's, I'm John George. I'm like, Wow, he said, oh, you did a book signing the other night at Tower Records. I said, yeah, he says, oh, man, it was so close in line for like half an hour. And finally, I got so cold, I went home. I said, you waited in line to meet me. He's like, yeah, I'm like, why don't you just walk in? Like, oh, I can't do that, man. Wow. And he said, so you just worked the beacon. I said, yeah, it was amazing. He said, did they get the jokes? I said, oh, I'm not, that's not really what I do. I said, I'm sorry. What do you mean? He goes like, can you get to the audience from that stage? I said, it's actually a pretty big place. It's a lot of feet before the first row. I said, yes, your George Carlin, I think you're going to do But he was sincerely wondering, is it going to be okay in there? Are you kidding? You were handcuffed with Lenny Bruce in the back of a cop car. And you're asking me if it's going to be okay? Was he handcuffed with Lenny Bruce?

It's in that great book, ladies and gentlemen, Lenny Bruce. It's a great read. That's a read and a half. I read it not 22 years ago. It was fantastic.

There was a time when, you know, as you know, the first amendment was not being used in Lenny Bruce's life towards the end of his life. And that was his every stand-up thing he did was about the law towards the end. And he was doing a show one night, George Carlin was there under age. And George said something, and they were waiting, they pounced on him, and then they went through the crowd, ID ID ID, oh, come here, youngster, and they handcuffed them together. So I said, and that's how you met Lenny Bruce, right? He said, no, I had met him before. But he said, like, we were literally one pair of handcuffs together. Just like the book, but I thought that's not how we met. I said, so how do you guys meet? He said, Lenny Bruce was very sympathetic to young comics. So what we would do is like he said, give me your best five minutes and he would critique us. I said, is he trying to take your matriors? No, no, no. He just said, okay, leave that part out, that part sucks. Do more of that and that first part put it last. He would like help. And he said, he was great with all the young comics. He said, like, give me your stuff. Okay, here's how you redo it, make it better. I said, so you had known him before he said, yeah, I said, because, you know, Lenny Bruce to me is a real, again, a hero and inspiration, fought back. And I walked out of there into like, you know, the freezing, you know, New York to take the end of the R, back down to the East Village, like I put the fact that Here's this guy. The point I'm making is Stone Cold Pro. Anywhere where I sell out half the tickets, he does twenty nights there. I mean, you'll never get out of that shadow. And even he is saying, hey, I have a question. And here's what I've found with all of your big actors and the ones I've worked with. They are obedient to the muse. They work for the art. They are so subservient to the job. It's not about, hey, I'm rich. I'm popular. It's like damn, and I got to make this script come to life. And they fear it like someone on their first job. And there might have been a middle period, like in the 70s, they had their idiot phase for three years, and they kind of went sideways. But man, the big actors I've worked with are just so like, okay, this take is everything. And it's a good lesson, you're like, okay, never lose that.

Yeah, I was told by someone who had him in his venue in Northern California. He just sits in front of the mirror before the show and does the whole show at hyperspeed in the low voice. I did that on a TV show once means the actors is one of the actors ideas. Okay, everyone in my trailer, we did the whole show at HyperSpeed in the low voice standing in a hurl. It was really cool because we were like in each other's face going on. It's funny. And we just kind of did it like this like crazy mumbling fest for like 20 minutes. I'm like, okay, okay. We got it. We went out there and did it. It was like live in front of a TV audience. And it was like I'd never done that before. He was really cool and apparently that's how George preps. Wow, fascinating.

But I do one thing that actually works. I pace and I I quote Lincoln speeches. as a centering exercise really yeah especially a speech from all like January 19th 1838 give me some it's a famous speech he said when he was talking about will America ever be taken over by anywhere else he said no the only way America's gonna falls from within So we said, should we fear some transatlantic giant across the ocean and crush us at a blow? Never. All the country, Asia, Europe, and Africa with their war chests combined with the treasures of the world are unaccepted. And Bonaparte is a commander. It could not. In a trial of a thousand years, so much as take a sip from the Ohio River or lay a tread on the blue-rich mountains. If suicide, if destruction be our lot, We, uh, we must either live through all time or die by suicide. And I just take chunks of that speech because it's so he's like 28, 29 years of age. He's so eloquent. A sentence of Lincoln is worth 10 of anyone else's. It's all online for free. But go to the it's called the speech to the young men's lies seem or the perpetuation of our government institutions and it's like 3200 words and it's it'll be the best thing you read this week and how's it work is a center actually so I don't know I just get in the Lincoln framework where words matter to him he's a lawyer and a politician so he's a double bastard I was in the vault of the Lincoln Museum in Springfield a few years ago they let me in And they pull it out of one of his beaver skin top hats and they won't let me touch it. Of course, they didn't try it. But the guy with the gloves pulls it out and he said, do you notice an indentation on the right side of the brim? I said, yeah, because what do you think that is? I said, let me guess there's one on top and two underneath. And I looked in there was I said, that's him. Doffing his cap, his hat, over and over again. to it, wears out the beaver skin and he said, yeah, how do you think he wore it out? I said he's a politician and a lawyer. So he's trying to get everyone's vote and win. So he's like, good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning, good word. Because I have an office and I'm running for office. And he said, yeah, it's probably it.

Well, it was the outside of it. And those famous hats you saw, the Lincoln Museum, they have one in the vault. And literally he wore out the hide. But I use Lincoln and amendments from the Constitution. The 14th is, it's in like four parts or five parts. It's the top parts for we the people, the rest is legalese. And I'll do that or the fourth amendment, the privacy one, that's a great one. It's not completely in the front of my brain, Pan. But I carry a copy of the Constitution with me whenever I travel and I open it like people open the Bible and I'll just pick an amendment and read it. Really? Yeah, and I have one of those the Constitution for idiot books where like lawyers write about here's when it was brought into law, here's why, here's what it means in layman terms, and it's never not interesting to read.

They kind of are gods to me in that they couldn't see the future, maybe they couldn't see the AR-15. But Jefferson and Company definitely saw how easily corruptable humans are. Yeah. You give him a little bit of power, we can get a little crazy. And American democracy is really all about the checks. You're a badass, but you're not a badass as Congress. Congress is going to check. We're seeing that with Trump.

Because he's like him. Yeah. Because we a president comes from we the people it can be you or me potentially and I think the framers really saw that like it should be from the people so we got to put this person in checks because he might be a failed businessman bad reality show actor who doesn't understand I have to read fifteen hundred pages of stuff this weekend and have five lawyers advise me no golfer fund for me I'm the president And a lot of presidents do understand before they go and like, boy, this job's gonna be boring. And a lot of people are gonna be mad. And in my lifetime, we finally have a president who really is from the people who says he looks at like, you know, here's eight folders of stuff to read. And like, I don't think so. Give me the clips notes. Yeah. Like I'll play it from the hip. Like, no, I'm gonna watch Fox and friends. You tell me what I need to know. And you know, it's not for me to sit and rip on the guy because he's not here to the two defend himself. But never in my life, have I ever watched an American president thought to myself, I could have done better in that situation. And there's president as I've had nothing but disagree with, but they were way better for the job than I ever could be. I look at this guy and go like, man, you just got played. There's something out when I knew I was going to be talking to you. There's a thing I was thinking about. Because I heard you speak many years ago about these politicians or gangster. He said, OK, what that guy did, that's gangster. And what this guy just did, straight up gangster. During the Bush administration, I think it was like Halle Burton, all these people in the Cheney world. And you're like, that's a gangster move. That's a gangster move. I can't disagree with anything he just said. And on that kind of level, I think what I never hear is that Donald Trump is a guy who gets consistently played rolled. Got rolled by his wife. A woman I've nothing against, but she comes from a really tough part of the world. Slovenia is just a rough patch of real estate. She's smart and she's tough and she got out. Got to America? Well, he's not much on looks, but it's way in from the storm. So he got played by his wife. He got played by Paul Manafort. He got played by Kim Jong-un. He got played like Jimmy Hendrix at Monterey that that particular straticaster by Vladimir Putin and gets played like rock mononoff every single day. and anyone he does high stakes business with, or negotiations, he gets played. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, And like everyone around you is playing you.

Right, but Manifor played him. Because Manifor really does play in that world of old garks and millions of dollars in laundering money. If he wrote a book, I was telling some of the other day, as of all these people, he should write the book because it would be a page turner. If he told the truth would get him killed. He touched the wrong door knob and he gave the poison. Because like, Putin can't have him telling what he knows. He's a man, he probably will go to prison. Watch him have some kind of strange accident. Like he was liquefied in the shower, something about the water. Because he knows a lot and there's a lot of people who can pay a lot of money to keep his mouth shut.

I was watching something a couple of years ago at a year ago. And I was like, some guy, well, he's a good Christian man and he believes in family. He's the butcher of Chechnya. Let's flash back to the 1960s. I'm a young boy on the weekend visit with my father. To the right of my father is a wall. There's nothing to the right of my father. There's nothing. And if he's still with us, he'd be in his 90s and hard as a rock, just like nothing. He's a bar of hickory. Anyway, he's an economist. He's a numbers guy, and PhD, real smart. I'm coming home to my mom's apartment from the Saturday Sunday visit with Dad. We're in the Washington, DC area. I'm a little boy, five years old somewhere around there, very small. Economist and communist. I don't know what either of them are, arguably to a five-year-old. Kind of sounds the same. I'm in the big, Buick Station wagon to my father's right. We're pulling up to mom's apartment. Henry, Dad, are you a communist? I don't think my father's facial expression changed. His right hand came off the wheel, and his back hand collided with my head. It was just like, I hear the word comedist. A boy gets smacked, and it was without hatred or violence. It was like natural security. Like, whack! He didn't even know he did it. It was like a sneeze. Like, capau. And it hurt so much, my head went numb. And it was not even the pain. It was like the shock of your dad whacking you with you had no idea what you did. And all I could do was hyperventilate and he opened the door and he let me out.

So I left for like for like till I was like 33. You know what I mean? Because it's so destabilizing like your dad just walloped you and I get out of the elevator. I go into the apartment. But I did that till I was like, you know, till two years ago. It was totally, she said, honey, what happened? I said, I asked dad if he was a commerce. He's like, okay. So the point I'm making is this. There's a bunch of people who voted for Trump. Were you say Russia? They say, bunch of sons of bitches trust him as far as you can throw your car. Are you kidding? And when I see staunch conservative Republicans going, well, that Putin guy, I'm like, Are you kidding? People like my dad's heads are exploding. He's an old cold war guy. We would wash, uh, Boris and Natasha, whatever that cartoon was as a kid. Yeah, as a kid. I'm laughing because the guy would, uh, my dad's laughing on a whole other level because it's cold war funnies. It's was written for the parents. Right. The kids get the cartoon. The parents got the jokes. That was for adults with their kids on Saturday. You watch them later on. You're like, Oh, this is Cold War humor. I wouldn't have known, but that's my dad's world. You say Russia. He probably hate my guts because I've been there six times for shows and they take the transiberian express. And so this warming up to a guy. Who is a true bad guy? He's scary. There's body's buried because of him. He's one of the scariest guys on the planet and capable of violent, and we'll have you taken out. I mean, like Anna Polikovsky, I learned the greatest journalist of our time. She was critical of Putin, and she got assassinated in her apartment building. Her books are great. Her books from Chechnya are amazing. And she was critical of him, and she had to go. And when you see our president closing up to this guy, I just want to go, Bro, let's talk. Like, let's take a walk in the garden for 20 minutes. You can't be friends with this guy. My theory is there's there's there's some kind of finances where he's he's got a stick up form. I don't think it's a tape of people urinating on anyone. I think it's a money to cliché. It's a money thing. It's a hotel deal. It's money sitting in Cyprus. It's something. But the fact that we're being becoming okay with this guy, that is the part that bugs me the most and a white people in Congress or a guy like Sean Hannity who like probably likes Communists as much as my dad. Even me, I don't trust people like that at all. Putin is a criminal. She'd be in jail for a million billion years. And the fact like, hey, he's a, like, when, when he's a strong waiter, he, he's a, he's a human being. We can talk like, he's like, X KGB guy, who, and there's no such thing as an X KGB guy.

There could be for life for life. And he's a supreme operative. And what he does is he, he rolls people like you, dude. And like, you are a guppy, he's a shark. Like a no, two guys hanging out. No, one guy getting played and one guy playing someone.

Yes, and that's why he likes to do tear-tay and oon. And I've been to what he said about oon.

I've been to the Philippines. I've been to North Korea. There are tough places to live. And like you don't want your country looking like those places. You don't want America to be like Russia. The economy is destroyed and there's a lot of people like in the winter time. It's really tough.

No. No. Because I don't believe in karma. Karma. Here's my two words that disprove karma. Dick. Cheney. He's got a new heart. And a new heart?

He just heard a wish. Which is perfect for him. But he made very well live. Because he's watching his weight now. He's like looking lean. He might live to be like 105. Um, and so he'll never go to jail and and like how many millions as he make a year just from his dividends from whatever. Like who knows what you do with that kind of money or I don't know what you do with it. And so I don't think he goes to jail. I don't think Jared Kushner goes to jail. I think at most they leave like maybe next year and they go like, I drain the swamp. I did what I came here to do and the fake news media brought me down and all his people buy one of everything he makes forever.

Yeah. No, I follow all that stuff as you know. I just don't think white color guys go to prison for stuff. I just don't believe it. You know, I just don't believe it. I want to be proven wrong. But I don't have all the facts. I'm a news watcher. I know nothing. I don't get any classified briefs. So I only know what I read and what I hear. You talk about any of this stuff in your stage act a little bit, but knowing my audience, they're very sharp and they read the readers and they don't need me repeating what they know about them.

If I make a point, As my dad used to say, you want to score hidden where they ain't the baseball idea. And so if I can make a point, like if I was on stage tonight talking about Trump, I would roll out that idea of Trump as a guy who's been played by so many people around him and no one talks about his wife playing him. like there's no love in that marriage. I don't think she saw a way out. Came to New York and went that guy. Yeah, gets naked with the towed a few nights a month. Handful of a handful of pros acts and stolen in a credit card and a seven figure expense account. You can take a shower and make it go away. So I think, and I think he kind of knows that, you know, she was not like, wow, what a hot guy. She's like, hey, and there's, you know, that happens a lot in this town. You'll see that, you know, the couple, you're like, okay.

Well, yeah, but you see that a lot in this town where you see the the old weird dude with like the the eight year old girlfriend. You're like, Oh, yeah, that's a that's a setup. That's an agency. That's an agreement. That's someone's getting a salary or an implied, you know, it's it's a there's some kind of quid pro quo. There's a credit card. Sure. There's an expensive counter. There's just a big fist full of hundreds and just let me chew on you for the next four weeks. You know, or whatever the new dream it is, right? And so if I was going to say anything about Donald Trump on stage would be, who sucks? And I never talk about any problem on stage. And I learned this from of all people, President Clinton, because some of his later speeches post-presidency, I'm not a huge fan of the guy, but he's a good speaker. And he did some speeches in the UK a few years ago and I happened to be in England when he was there and I watched him on TV. The last part of this issue is the last 10 minutes. Here's a problem. Here's three solutions. Here's another problem. Here's three solutions. For $60 million we could put internet through this thing or we could open this waterway or we could reconfigure this workforce to upgrade so everyone can get a paycheck. He just had logical ways forward. So what I took from that is to my audience, don't propose a problem. Well, he sucks. Thanks. Good night. Don't give him a Gordian knot unless you can actually, it's not a Gordian knot. Here's three ways to get out of this burning wreck. And so when Trump became elected, it was, I was on tour. I was doing a bunch of nights in L.A. And I said, OK, you have a new president and some of you are depressed. I said, I know. And so gay people are on the endanger species list as if they've never been. Brown people, black people, women people, people with ovaries. These are all on the your screwed list. So instead of being coming to press and oh no, let's we get up. We start doing more benefits. Now all your words matter, your actions matter, how you stick up for your LGBT friends, really matters now, how you stick up for women, how you stick up for racial equality, equality in the workplace, like how you check yourself when you rule a view with other people, words matter, actions matter more than ever. And so to me, it's an exciting time to show how great you can be, because now it's all on the line. The fat is off the land. were being tested. I love a test, so let's get it on. It's like in your line of work when the guy goes, here we go. That's how I saw it. Like, okay, let's get the money to the ACLU. Let's get some money to plan parenthood. Let's get a conversation going about child suicide, intimidation through Facebook. Let's start making things better because this guy is not our ally. government is not necessarily going to help. It's best, it's inactive, it's worse, it's divisive in predatory. So let's be the antidote by being cool. By not throwing rocks through windows or like getting a go the teaky torch and beating them up, come on. You're never going to convince that guy that he's wrong. So get to the people you agree with and let's start sticking together more and raising more money and get some more interesting people in office. And let's get some young people in office. And I think that's what's happening. Like you're seeing all these young people, like 20s, 30s. Sadly, there's a bunch of kids who died at a high school in Florida. But look what happened. Look at all those kids hitting the streets. Look at all these kids who through cell phones and selfies and Instagram and Snapchat. They're already ready for prime time. You see these high school juniors in front of a CNN camera going, hi, I'm 17 years old. This happened to my school and next year I'm going to vote and here's what's going to happen. And here's the march I'm starting like, oh, oh, that's a future senator. You just, that school shooting just birthed a voting demographic. Are you kidding? All those kids are going to vote. All of them. All those kids who marched, there's going to be no millennial apathy with those kids. They're all going to vote. I kind of have an idea what side they're going to vote with. And if you think you're going to sell those kids on their grandfather's drunken homophobia racism and just overall bigotry and xenophobia. You're wrong. He never had a password. I don't need to travel. I don't want to meet some damn Mexican trust me. The kid's going to travel. He's going to go to India. She's going to go to Colombia and meet other people and get a more global sense of the world a sense of water food. energy, where it comes from, what happens with money, what happens with mediocrity, the danger of it. So I think we're in for some tough times, but I think they're going to lead to good times. And so that's what if I get political on stage, all I say is like, here's five ways forward. because the despair part, you need me to tell you, you watch the news. So don't get down on the mouth, start burning more calories. And that's not my job, but I would never weigh in on stage any other way about that stuff, because all I would be is obvious. And my audience is pretty sharp, and they don't need to be told twice.