Transcript for #188 - Amy Schumer

That's a very mild version of the song there. It's like you weren't trying to hurt Amy Schumer's ear. I was protecting those lady friendly versions. I think that was.

You love her. You love her, ready? Look at you. You're already adjusting your behavior. That's what's back. That's what's back. That's what's back. That's what's back. Because usually it blows your fucking ear drums out. And then he gets silly with the fade out. You know, because he fades it out. They say, wow, wow, wow, wow. We're gonna go on for like minutes. But not with you. What you, he's trying to be like really unobtrusive and really sweet. Look, I'm putting collages of interesting others. You're making him the best. You're making him the best Brian he can do. I'm for real if it wasn't for you here. I think you you're making Brian the best Brian he can possibly I might is this the best a better version of you Brian for real? No, what if I bring out the best in you don't don't run away from this trying to troll Mary. Yo, I'm not trying to troll you women do do that. That's one of the things that

You know how guys this is gonna sound totally ridiculous but you know how guys will sometimes get divorced and the woman will get half a guy shit and then people will say oh man that's fucked up you know that she never told a joke or she never you know made one point you know how the fuck did she get half his money but the combination of people sometimes. Sometimes, like, a woman will come into your life and she's such a badass bitch and you want to impress her so much, you will be a better person.

Yeah. That's why I always tell guys. You should be the you who you're pretending to be when you're trying to get laid. If you do that.

Yeah. Stay that guy. Be that guy. Yes. It is possible to be that guy. It's fucking hard.

Yeah. Be the you that you pretend to be when you're trying to get laid.

Yes, it definitely takes so low on D. You gotta do squats. Yeah, you gotta do that with squats. Watch to think if you kettlebell son big fucking heavy ones 50 pounders 70 pounders You gotta really work the spine and the core all that this part of it got to keep your core engaged for sure. Yeah, my inner core So I think that Amy Schumer is like your muse. This is what I'm saying. You know that she's hilarious. You know that she's talented as fuck. So when you're around her, you've got like this crazy respect because you're also physically attracted to her. Like there's a lot going on here. I ain't what you feel that. Don't you feel this ain't me? There's a lot going on here. I'm loving this. Brian, this is that's not bad, right?

All I'm saying is she made you a better person. I know what is this shirt? This could be your hunter.

That shirt is so ridiculous. I know. You know what I want to do? I want to get you pictures of you in the woods near my house where the mount line is. Oh, let's go out near the they're my house because there's been four mount line sightings. Yeah, I tax are just not just sightings, you know, the attacks are usually on dogs and a lot of rabbits get fucked up in the occasional deer if they catch a deer. They'll basically fuck up anything. Yeah, they try to avoid people as much as possible, so it's really weird that they've seen four or at least one four times in the course of it.

They're horrific. They're so dangerous. People, you don't even have any idea of how strong they are. When you see one, there was one when I was in Colorado, they had a stuffed one. They had this crazy wildlife exhibit place where there was this guy taking care of all these different tigers that were from zoos. It was like a big huge area filled with big cats, but they had a stuffed mountain line. And it was like 200 pounds, 150, 200 pounds. But when you look at the dimensions, that's when it freaks you, I see the width of its paws. It's wrist is twice the size of a man. There are enormous wrists. And then you look at the bones of the paws and you look at the fucking head. All of it just designed to fuck shit up. It's amazing. Like cat is big as a person. It's essentially what it is. It's a big man, but it's a cat.

Yeah, Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, you would have to break that thing.

Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, but I pack heat. You know what I do when I go outside. Some of the times I go outside to take a leak just to put my mark around the house. Oh, that's not weird.

And I do it in my underwear with a gun in my underwear. I just tuck the gun in my underwear.

Listen, ladies and gentlemen, I don't really walk around. So some just fucking around. But I did when I was hiking in Colorado, I did always used to bring it in God. Just for that very reason. Yeah. Just for the mountain line reason. Most likely it never happens, but fuck if it does happen.

Like, this is gonna... You say it's gonna, but you gotta do something.

My plan I always say would be wild killer is looking at you.

You're better playing dead. You're a better actor. You remember in South Park when the fucking actors had to save the world how important it was?

Oh, I'm outlines eating your asshole.

So his only chances of I was to distract him with 12. Yeah.

I guess freaked out. Wow, because they've never seen anything like it before.

We should kill all cats.

You know, I love my cats and everything, but I know the only reason why I love them is because of the size difference. You know, I'm way bigger than them. You should be surrounded of fuck around. If you wanted to fuck around, try to kill me. I could snap our neck. Do you know what I'm saying?

Well, no, that's why she loves me. Like, I'm big enough. But if the roles reverse, my cow would eat me.

You can't have a cat and a pet mouse. You just can't have it. Do you have this? You just can't have it. A pet mouse?

No, but I do have cats. I have two cats.

This is personal creepy shit. You know, you get married with me.

Here's that video. Spas and Oliver.

Just an ordinary role of toilet paper. Oh my god, guys, now it's over, it's over, it's over, it's over, it's over, it's over, it's over. Oh my god. Look at that thing.

Look at this fucking flying. Look at the size of this thing. I don't know which thing you're talking to.

A bear.

A bear. A bear. A bear. A bear. A bear. A bear. A bear. Yeah, you got some questionable life choices when you got a pony tail anywhere.

That is a big killer, a big wild killer.

Imagine that. Look at the size of its arms. Just look at that thing.

It's horrifying at the same time. The idea of that thing looking at you. This 600 pound fucking monster that just kills things every day.

Oh my god, he is f***ing up here.

Look at that thing, my god. This is like a f***ing wear wolf movie.

Oh my god. It's walking away.

Oh my god, I walked away Jesus Christ that's terrifying, but yeah, so my paper theory is totally legit.

It's um, is it the big emotion of it? Like you're throwing something and it's big and white and they don't know what the fuck it is.

We're so lucky cats are stupid as fuck. We're so lucky. The toilet paper just drags them. Oh, that was scary. That was one of those things. I mean, even though it was shitty blurry YouTube style video, it was still absolutely terrifying. There's got to be an HD version of that.

So it's like an animal planet DVD that's available. Yeah. Man versus what?

I don't know if that man versus wild pride. Jesus Christ.

He's taking, well, he's another one of those dudes. Those wild, I'm going to get close to animal dudes that have been popping up a lot lately.

Yeah, I guess Steve Irwin sort of started that all off, you know, because he was like real wild and animal to crocodile hunter dude. He would get like right up to him and you know.

No, it's a brown bear. It was. Yeah, the brown bears are the big ones. The black bears aren't that dangerous. Black bears are, they don't really attack people as much or kill people as much. It's the bigger bears of the brown bears. Yeah, he was that nutty dude who lived in Alaska and they said that he is essentially death by bear. I mean, he suicide himself. He wanted to do that. He suicide by bear. He just stayed late. You know, it's supposed to be there. The bears that are awake are super dangerous because they can't kill anything. So they're not fat enough to hibernate, you know, and so they'll delete anything. They're eating babies. They're eating babies. Like he caught the meeting babies and he still stuck around.

Yeah, absolutely she died after she helped try to help him apparently the video is there was a cap over the camera but the audio is there of the the whole event and it's like six minutes long Yeah, we only played like the very beginning that right? No, they didn't play any of the audio of the attack. Yeah. Yeah. In the movie, his ex-wife, or his ex-girlfriend, whatever it is, is listening to it. She's listening to the audio, and she's the one who decides her and more and more of hers on, the guy who's director, they decided not to release it. But it's a long audio, too. It's like, bearers don't kill you. They just eat you. And eventually die. Yeah. It's a completely different deal than a cat. Your way better I can't kill by a cat. Yeah. Cats just cats kill you. Well, they kill you. The first thing they're gonna do is grab a hold of your neck and they're gonna kill you. That's their instinct. They're not wearing it. They're not wearing it. They're not wearing it. They're not wearing it. They're not wearing it.

They're not wearing it. They're not wearing it. They're not wearing it. They're not wearing it. They're not wearing it. They're not wearing it. They're not wearing it. They're not wearing it. They're not wearing it. They're not wearing it. They're not wearing it. They're not wearing it. They're not wearing it. They're not wearing it. They're not wearing it. They're not wearing it. They're not wearing it. You know, I mean like as gay as you can get and I think you know for some dudes the desire to stay in the closet is so strong it leads to me so fucking crazy they're willing to go live with grizzly You know and he had this whole thing always protecting I'm protecting these bears Does the first department want to help them now does the sheriff department want to help them know the wildlife you fuck you you motherfuckers and he was like yelling and screaming at the camera and pointing at them and then he would like, like, we like reconstitute himself, clean himself up, get back in and do it again and do like another take on it.

Yeah, probably. I think that would have certainly helped him. I think he was, and he had this crazy thing where he was like walking, holding the camera, talking about if he was just gay. If I was just gay, he would be so easy. I could just go to it. Yes, yeah, I could be, you know, you go to a restaurant. But, oh well. Not gay. It was just it was the most obvious I'm gay like cry for help. Yeah, it was really sad. It was sad because it's fucked up that it's fucked up the dudes get stuck in that closet situation man Yeah, you know, that's a terrible place to be to pretend your whole life to be one thing when you really you could just say you're another and everybody will still love you Yeah, you know, it's like you don't have to like I know dudes are in the closet today Tom's a girl broke Christy Bro, I thought we were gonna talk about that on the air Yeah, they don't really fuck they just start to fucking they come prematurely all over each other And then we're actually becomes Burton and Tom fucking. They're so hot for each other and the idea of them fucking and so hot. They never get it inside each other. They just come close and they come. Yeah. They're trying to be less gay just so that they could have gay sex. They're so gay that they can't even actually consummate.

They just, they just, they just start twitching and coming all themselves.

His family is totally down. Don't worry.

They are the coolest. Yeah, but if you're a bird's kid, you got to know what the fuck is up. You got to know this craziness in the world. There's a chick from the house. Yeah, they're ready for anything. It's probably best for him that they're running the house. Can you imagine if he ran the house?

You have to do all that stuff and you have kids. Burke Chrysler. He's another one of those dudes that I think the internet is perfect for, you know, like people get to see the real price. Do you want to see his body? No, when you get to hear him, like when he's on podcasts, you know, you get the total, you know, when he's not stuck on, like if he's doing let him or something, he's always hilarious, but he's stuck to like seven minutes. You can't get to really know him.

It's two hour Burke Chrysler experience. I don't know. Amy, shoot my helmet and be doing comedy.

You did that Charlie Sheenbrost. And that's when I really, that's when I found out about you had heard your name before. People say you're really funny. I don't want to blow your head up. I don't want to come on. I'm in a bad place. You know, when dudes would go, you know, guys always every now and then someone will have this conversation when you see like a really funny chick. You know, like, oh, there's another one. So you know how it is with chick comedy. You know, with chick comedy, there's like, I'd say, It's hard enough to do comedy to be a dude, but to be a woman. Just to get over this, a side old boundary of you being the one talking. I think it's way more difficult for a woman. I think it's way more difficult for men, especially meatheads and insecure guys, to accept the fact that a woman's on stage talking. And then your subject matter is obviously going to be more... Now, I wouldn't say more restrictive, but it's more difficult for you to get out certain things, especially sexual stuff, and certain things about judgments and politics, because people are reluctant to take the opinion of a woman like a lot of people are. So it's way harder, I think, for a chick to make it and be a stand-up. So when you see a bad motherfucker come along like yourself, You know, I always get I'm always very impressed because I'm I know that it's harder for a woman to do than a man and when I heard you on the Charlie Sheenron So I was like holy shit this chick is fucking funny You had some really funny lines. I was like oh shit You know, I generally like a lot of times roasts. I go. Oh, okay. You just being mean You know, I get it. You're being mean to each other and sometimes it's funny and sometimes it's just whoa. This is like some weird creepy shit that has been like storing about this dude. Yeah, where is this guy from? Yeah, it's gross, right? The way you did it was awesome and the fucking exchange you got him with Mike Tyson.

I got we got to play that if we can't if we can find it if Brian could find it and he'll put it out because it was so funny Mike Tyson was trying to go back and forth with you and you just handled him you handled Mike Tyson the way Mike Tyson used to beat a boxer it was really fun that was like when I watched that that was like in retrospect I was like Jesus

Yeah, you shouldn't assume that you could take a joke. I mean, he's a wake homer version of Mike Tyson then he was back in his fighting days, but but he's scary guys.

you. Well they'll laugh at it. That's the problem. If he has like fake punches at people, people laugh just out of uncomfortably.

Hey, you're crossing a line. You know, you used to be a professional fighter.

Yeah, you just got to let him grab your dick.

Yeah, well, what did you think that he was going to be able to just thought?

Well, he was like a weird sort of kind of almost like a ghetto philosopher when he was a young guy. Because he would like mess up words and stuff, but he would quote you all sorts of crazy things. He was a scholar on boxing history. And when he was a young guy, he wasn't in our particular guy. I mean, I don't know how much has changed, but there's inevitable decline in your ability to function after getting punched in the head. Yeah, it's inevitable. There's a certain amount, you know, and no one wants to admit that or accept that, but that is the fact.

I felt like, oh, I think you fucking had to do what you had to do, girl. I don't know. Yeah, I don't regret it. You were in a pan with crocodiles and you've poked me eyes and ran.

Yeah, did you do you found a brand?

Oh, has it been like copyrighted?

Yeah, why would you want to have a bunch of people watch and see how funny those roasts are? Yeah, pull those clips down.

Yeah, what is your site? Is it because they want to sell more DVDs? Is that what it is?

So there's it's so archaic that way of thinking it's so dumb. They don't understand that yeah, the more people that would watch those videos the more people would watch those roasts. It's that simple. If a hundred million people watch the video like oh my god, this is awesome. And then another roast is coming on boom. They're going to want to watch it. Right. It's just weird thinking that you don't want anything good to be available for free online. Yeah. Fucking silly assholes. How much do you spate spend in advertising to have fucking tied all over, you know, commercials, all over sitcoms? And yeah, they're not willing to let things be free online. Do you not understand that's the same thing? And this one you don't have to pay for? Crazy assholes?

Where do you turn girls who are just making out with each other? What are you doing?

That's you having the other podcast going on in the background. I was Sam Tripley's voice.

It's impossible for him to not do this. Brian, just be worried about everything's wonky.

He can't the every audio clip. It's it's part of the charm of the show. Got accepted. It's perfection in its imperfection. There you are.

Oh wow. She's a dressmaker.

Oh my god.

Oh, shit. This is how make you feel about knowledge purchases dead.

Oh, you know you did a good job.

Yeah, he'll call bullshit on everything and anything.

But that that that that fucking launched you, right? That comedy central thing.

Like, you know, that must mean you must be getting a lot more standard work now. No.

How crazy is that? Look at that one video.

Like, you don't like it.

Yeah, I bring Irish fear or Joey Diaz or everybody You know it makes such a difference. Oh, it's it's a night and day. It goes from being a chore to being a great

There's a dark days.

Did you ever do the hoya comedy store? No. That's the darkest condo on the earth. I've heard more and more uncomfortable post-coital moments of occurred. You walk in. You feel the uncomfortable road stank. No. You know, of road hacks and whatever poor lonely fuck allows those road hacks to stick their dick inside of them and crap's nest.

The next one is Phoenix. Phoenix was a dark one to the top of you. That was Joey Diaz's haunt. Back in the dark days of Joey Diaz, he would pull the fucking shades close. You wouldn't even hear him. You couldn't call him. He would answer his pager. There was nothing going on with Joey Diaz for hours. They would come out to do a show. They would go like a vampire. Look at like Bella Legosi.

Well, you're getting a guy or a girl.

Would they allow?

Women are so funny. Like, even just a guy getting laid will be like a message. I felt like he was sending me a message. I just just try to get laid. That is the, why would you assume that the thing that men want more than anything else in life is to get laid? Why would you assume that him getting laid would be anything other than getting laid?

I think would be more like hey, I'm being lab because I want you to know if you want to join us you can Could be a little that second of all you you say that But the guy was fucking her and I'm sure he wasn't the first see even though she was never version yeah, even though like you would say girls like not really pretty just willing For a lot of guys better than masturbation. We're pathetic pathetic creatures. I don't know. Oh, yeah. You don't understand what it's like to have a dick. I don't you know talk to talk to Chaz Bono because she's talking to make sense now. Okay, that lady ring shooting her with testosterone. She's totally making sense.

Well, it's fascinating because he really has gone from both extremes or he now. You know, I mean talking about like what's what's annoying and and then the sexual urges that come on because of testosterone. Yeah. Men go blank. They get sad. They don't know what's going on.

You think you're driven by success like to get sex?

Right. What I was saying is that if a guy like is is getting laid most likely that's he's just getting laid like Occam's Razor you would you would think that they were trying to send a message to you?

What is wrong with those things?

Like when you're not going to have lunch? I thought you said he was the headliner. No, I was the headliner. Oh, I was confused because I thought you were saying by him being loud. It was his way of saying I'm the headliner.

Miss total miscommunication. Yeah. Oh, I would see that. I could totally see how like middle acts would have a real.

So he would like try to put on the TV what he wanted to watch. Like you were watching something else.

You don't like working for a woman. That's for sure. Yeah, and especially like egocentric.

Do you see you feel like when a guy does this? He does this like he doesn't like respect to I choose you would a male comic

And you're not even trying to like dominate them. You just don't want to try to dominate you. You don't want them just getting weird with you.

Because sometimes they like won't even share a green room with the middle and the opening act.

We've had problems in the past with guys that we didn't know. When we did that maximum comedy tour, I remember we kicked that guy out in Boston. It was a very easy thing. It's just super douchey talking shit about everybody while they're on stage. Talking shit about me got really, really drunk. He was just a creepy asshole. And he was, you know, the way we did, we had like, I don't remember what time was it. I'm saying Boston, but it might not have been Boston. It seems like it would be.

It might not have been though. I don't remember the guy's name, but it was one of those things where there was in each town they had a different opener. A local guy would come up. And most of them were fucking really good. Tom Segura was hilarious. That's why I met Tom. He opened up in Phoenix. Anyway, this dude just got hammered and it was just, and I said to Brian, I think I said to you, I said, this is the last time I'm going to work with you. It's not worth it.

But it's like, the club, you know, you could work out deals with clubs. Yeah. You know, especially with the English, you know, you need a goddamn podcast. That's what you need. Yeah, you do. That's what you need. This is the number one promotional tool for a standup comment because they're really going to get to know you. How else besides this kind of format? How the fuck else is anybody get to totally get to know you? Exactly.

And that's sort of to promote the comedy as well, right?

I know what you're talking about. I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying.

Are you living in New York City? Yeah. How often do you in LA?

You need a bit of LA. Are you going to move out here? Check this out. 75 degrees.

I'm here in blue by you, but I live in it in John or Linda Ronstein, whatever. That's what I'm hearing in the background.

Beautiful song.

I just I would live here if I had to go find Linda Ronstein, blue by you for her because I want to hear this story. I want to hear.

I just want to look back around music to your dreams.

Do you have it, Brian? Yeah. Just hit it real quick. And I want you to tell me. Yeah, horrible person. I want you to tell me. What the right relationship would be that would make you want to make it.

Look, this is a beautiful voice. But it's a little sad. Since I left my baby behind.

It's very sad.

So far, I like what you're saying.

Yeah, it's dark. It's dark. What is the lot? It was the longest time you've ever stayed in Los Angeles.

Why is this fucking sad? Anything like that? You might be the worst impressionist to ever walk the face of the earth.

Yeah. I'm the next friend, Kelly Ando. Listen to my Amy Schumer, it's fucking on point.

So what is it excuse me Brian don't mock her a wonderful and talented guest just because she's really clearly too much for you to handle you at the beginning of the show she was making you a better person you've gone to a full relationship cycle and now you've become the bitter guy at the end of every relationship that mocks his girlfriend as she's passing

I just don't get I don't have moments seems like the scary that moment in a relationship where you're packing up and he's mocking you, you know, he's like saying like mocking shit, you know, I haven't had that.

Well, this is happening right now. This is that moment. You've got a full relationship cycle on the question.

He's like yeah, why does that fucking problem with people like New York? You know, that's all but the beginning and the beginning first match you if you were like I love I really love New York, but yeah, well, he's pretty amazing Times Square.

Brian let the girl like New York bro. I don't see why you're so creepy.

It's, I don't think it's all of the people. It's just like, you know, when I say about cops, like most cops are coolest fuck. The cops that I run into, most cops are good guys that are, you know, working a really tough job. But there's a certain percentage, whatever it is, one or two percent, 10 percent, and you make the number up, where they're just fucking cons. They're just cons. But they would be cons if they were construction workers. They would be cons if they were to the grocery store.

Yes. Well, it's because of the fact that this is a magnet for people that want show biz fame.

That's what it is. I mean, you know, many people that come here with a poor, not a real dream, but like, who I wish, you know, and it's like they don't do anything about it. Right. But they came here initially to become famous. You'll meet them at flower stores. You'll meet them. And this, this will make me sick.

So you think people give a shit there less than they give a shit here. I do. So that's what you want. More people just don't give a shit.

I see what you're saying. But you're going to get that anywhere. You're going to get that New York City. You're going to get that anywhere.

You become, I hear what you're saying. Yeah. Well, if you've lived there for a long time and there's one thing that I definitely got when I first came here. I was going to totally move back to New York after my first sitcom was canceled because I didn't like the vibe out here at all. And I was there was my first time ever working with actors ever in my whole life. I did this really bad sitcom on Fox called Hardball was written by these two guys that were brilliant writers. They work for the Simpsons and married with children. But then Fox got a hold of their sitcom and just fucked it just stuck cocks in it. I was like when the brilliant vision that they had Jeff Martin and Kevin Kern were the guys the brilliant vision that they had became like up just this thing that had been fucked a death covered in calm like a glaze don't I always tell everybody this is because no one can believe how bad it was These guys, first of all, the guys who originally wrote it were really funny, were really funny guys. And the pilot was funny. It could have been funny. It could have been a decent show. But when they gave it to some guy, he used to work on coach. And he was like, you know, one of those, tell them, don't. And then I said, this, what are you gonna stand? You know there's fucking robot shows where it's like you could just program into a computer. Yeah, and it would be it really easy to make that show and one of the lines was I was on a desk with this girl and I like what we're about to have sex and the the coach opens up the door and I go do you mind and he goes yes, I mind That's my daughter, you're attempting to, that's my desk, you're attempting to defile, and I say I'm not defiling the desk, I'm defiling her. that was actually a line and they were like approved that was like yes done moving on to the next line that was we actually said that with the cameras on you know that's how bad the show had gotten it was it was death so I had I was ready to pack up and I fucked up and got a lease because I thought this shit come was gonna go yeah so I had a lease for a year and I still had a department in New York and I was like what the fuck am I gonna do now I just like leave this spot out here and then I wanted to do another sitcom afterwards, but I was ready to go. And it was my thing was just dealing with actors. It was just dealing with, they're so delusional.

Well, all of them, though, you know, I mean, I'm sure if you, it's like, like, cops and everything else. Most actors, I think are fine. But it might be like 30% of them that you just fucking can't communicate with. But I've found that it was the same essentially in New York, as well as in LA. I just think, there's a pretty, well, they're hitting the high.

The level of like, kept beauty up here is very, very intense. Like when you go to nice places and you see girls, they'll have perfect toes and expensive shoes and expensive bags. Yeah, they look beautiful. There's like a globe. Yeah. There's a lot of girls in LA that are hot as fuck. Yeah. Look like that. And that's one of the things about the commodity of like, you know, if you're all your selling is what you look like. Good fuck at luck.

Yeah, yeah, it's you got 10 years ready to take it.

Not all of them. You got to save a few. Really? For live rounds.

I'll fall them out. But just the idea is that in case, you know, you wait too long and then your box is dry. Yeah. You know, this way.

No, there's no eggs left. They all fall out. I'll fall out of your body. Yeah. You see, you got to suck them out early and freeze them.

Technical terms, like suck out those eggs.

Yeah, it's unfortunate that someone trick girls in the fuck want their lips the same way they did with their tits because the tits worked because guys really don't care.

When a guy want to grow those fake tits. Even though we know that there's like a bag of water under the skin, that's making the pop out like that, we're so fucking stupid. But any movement and change in the direction it took you to. It's like this shape better. It's like a Egyptian hyperglyph thing. It's like for whatever it is, it's the shape of the woman's body. Even though you know it's horseshit, but that is out the door with the lips. When it comes to the lips though, we don't like that. You can't apply the same principles to tits as you can to lips, and that's what they try to do. They try to make the lips crazy and puffed up thinking everybody's gonna go with it the way they go with tits, but they didn't. They went, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is lips. You can't do lips the way you do tits. You can do tits on crazy and outrageous and guys like ye, what's up ladies are you doing? But you get all fish face on dudes and they get creeped out. You're something about the lips. Yeah.

Maybe it was her way of warning. Maybe it was her way of warning. Maybe it was her way of warning. Maybe it was her way of warning. Maybe it was her way of warning. Maybe it was her way of warning. Maybe it was her way of warning. Maybe it was her way of warning. Maybe it was her way of warning. Maybe it was her way of warning. Maybe it was her way of warning Yeah, just a girl just looks like she's had a hard life and she's fucking she's you know me that's like a this guy just fetishes people are in a weird shit Maybe there's some lesbians that are only into running into girls that have had hard lives and so like you know They're fucked up scars and shit and they look at you like what's up and the next thing you know you're eating boxing the handicap stall

It's not no arms, but like horrible implants, like rock implants.

It is a weird thing that, not just became accepted, but fucking shut up.

But I've seen girls that have got them, like they had babies, and then their boobies got all dehydrated. You know, they like became pancake boobies, and then they got their breast implants, and they felt better. Okay. Yeah, I mean whatever. It's it's no judgment. It just like it does make it look better. I know even it's it's stupid. It doesn't seem like it should make sense, but it totally works. It's a trick. It's like the dumbest magic trick of all time.

Ready? What's on my shirt? Who knows? I can't know what's under there. It's a bag of water. Yeah, it's all. But meanwhile, I'm like, oh, I look like big real titties. Because big real titties to a man, just that the shape of it that is on a mud flap, you know, gets our testicles to tingle. It doesn't have to be actually real. It's like a symbol. It's so iconic in the man's mind.

Well, it's the first, by the way, first of all, there's no way I could know if it's an everybody.

Yeah, yeah, for doing this. Well, I think that's why I think it's work. That's, that's why, I mean, that shape, the hourglass shape of a woman. There's a reason why that is an iconic shape, the hourglass shape, whereas, like, for a man, I mean, women like guys with nice bodies, but there's no, like, shape that you could, like, put up that represents a man's body to a woman.

It's a classic hourglass big tits shape that's on the back. Those guys are broken. They have broken balls or they want to but doesn't work right.

Kate Upton is a hero on our message board.

Yeah, she's hot as fuck whenever there's a threat on the message board For one of our podcasts if the podcast goes astray and the subject of the podcast becomes something that they're not interested at all. It is our post and Kate Upton pictures. That's smart It's all Kate up there. It's hilarious. It's really funny. So it's like a gas like says something stupid. They don't want to listen to them anymore. It just becomes a Kate up there in time.

I don't like skinny girls. I mean, I like, we can be friends. But I'm saying, you know, I'm, I don't find that attractive. Right. Everybody's different. Some chicks like black eyes. Right a lot of black guys like fat white girls, right? A lot of a lot of white guys like Chinese girls like everybody's allowed to what you're a lot of like your waves like whatever you want I saw something today that reminded me of one thing I definitely don't like and that's flat asses man flat man asses.

Did you see someone who was on their balcony who was naked who paparazzi took photographs of? No, okay, because that's Ariana from the UFC paparazzi took photographs of her. Yeah, they were on her balcony. She was on her balcony naked and they were like, you know, from a long way away with the high powered lens, and they took pictures of her naked and put them all over the internet.

Why had that come up after some guys were saying that she had Oh, I heard buttocks were less than impressive. She's a beautiful girl But you know, look guys have to realize is a big difference between what girls ask normally looks like and a girl's ass looks like when she's posing for photos right when chicks are just walking around like dudes like naked They don't even know that people are watching you know, they don't

Okay, you get this person listen what we just said this person that was stalking something at this store.

I know he's talking about someone who's in the audience. Someone is buying something at Starbucks.

Oh, Jesus Brian. You said stalking. I thought you said stalking. You knew what I meant. I didn't know you meant stalking items. Like on a shelf. Yeah. I'm like, what is he talking about? The employee was stalking someone with the fuck. And you're watching him stalk them and they have a flat ass. What kind of crazy conversation is this?

That was like, it was like one of those Spanish things where you know, you say the wrong word and they want to shoot you. No, no, but I know. No, but if you know what I'm saying, you think you know the language, but you use the word. Yeah, this led to one of those, those fucking, yeah, that was crazy.

So this person has a small ass.

I don't know if I can date her because to me it looks like a deformation like I see her and I'm like this one this would hurt me less if I haven't seen your ass But I've seen your ass.

Yeah, his ass is horrific. Yeah, there's no way he should be talking about anybody's ass ever.

That's it. That is what it is, Brian. You just, we learned a lot about ourselves today. We're getting some of that.

We're moving here and do our podcast on a permanent basis.

You can live in the city. We can make you famous.

That's fine. I'm not throwing it out of the hypothetical. Totally serious.

I think you know what every radio show that's ever existed. They always try to stick a woman on the show. They goes, oh, we need to balance it out. We're going to balance it out. And men resist like open Anthony called them holes like this like the radio holes because guys are awesome. They're right. They're right. But you are different. You actually would bring a funny female perspective to podcasts. She totally be doing one.

Well, it's usually she's hot and you know, she's sassy. You know, she could hang with the guy.

Just for me. He has one called your mom's house. Oh, okay. It's totally a joke.

I just sold out on that old weather and shit.

And you got to have your own podcast show.

Have you been in the stores yet?

We're going to take you right after we leave here. We're going to take you right into a medical marijuana store.

That's what we're going to do. As soon as we leave here, I like this pop, by the way. Two, this is we know the guy makes this. You don't even have to worry about terrorism. We know the guy who actually grows this. You can't say, maybe my weed is good. We don't have to worry about this weed because this weed is 100% not created by bad people.

If you if you do it on camera though, it's really bad for your career.

Maybe Schummer. Do you want to join the desk?

That's another inside joke. Our friend Duncan used to date Natasha Lee's in the neighborhood.

You know what I'm saying? He's a free man.

I bet he could help you. You know, he could help you. Give me a hug cause I'm willing. I'm willing.

Because they're both adults. You fucking child.

Especially when you haven't seen them in a while. Yeah. We got the problem.

Yeah, you know what? The human body is a strange fucking thing, you know, when you when you had moments with someone and then all of a sudden you're in front of them again and especially when no one's around, you know, if you like, you know, you just for whatever strange reason just run into them somewhere and all of a sudden you're standing face to face and you want to give them a hug and so then you do and then you have to think now what's up? We broke up for a reason.

I've had buddies that were break up with the same girl six seven times because they will always get together and fucking it's fucking it's so good and they just feels like home happy to not be fucking a stranger yes happy not be fucking a stranger and then on top of it it's well it's not even that it's this weird thing that happens when you break up and then you make up like the makeup is like especially if you're convinced that you're never gonna make up Like if you have insulted each other or said crazy shit to each other, and then people get in patterns. You can recognize those patterns when you start dating someone because they'll try to pull that shit on you. They'll insult you and they'll say something creepy to you. And you're like, whoa, what the fuck is this? It came out of nowhere. What came out of nowhere? Because that's just how they rock it. Every relationship they get in, it starts off real good, get real close to each other, and then get fucking nasty with each other. And then recover. And then recover. And then recover.

That is the worst. There's no darker feeling than someone who you still like tell. I love you and you used to make out with them and you see, you know, you have sex with them. And then all of a sudden you're like, you have one and each other in angry words. And they're saying insulting shit to you.

I refuse to participate in that shit now I haven't had a relationship like that since I was in my 20s and when I when it the last one that did happen I I clearly remember like saying all right this is never gonna happen again I could never allow myself to get in this sort of a situation where every time I'm around this person there's some sort of like argument or

Or the jockeying for position. There's a weird jockeying of power sometimes that goes on in some combinations of relationships. It's like, you, you, you, you, you're, you are confidence triggers the weirdest parts of some guy. You know, if you ever had that happen, where like the guy is probably pretty cool with a lot of people, but then he gets around like I think like you being a comic and being smart and quick. Like those, those, those, those, those, that must be like issues with some dudes. Guys who aren't comics? Do you date guys who aren't comics?

Huh? Comics are too fucked up.

That does help. But you want to date someone as fucked up as you really?

Where's a chain while you fuck, but you probably wear a chest protector and you'll be fine for me.

You took a chance. You went down weirdo lane.

Yeah, I know people that are comics and only date comics and it never works out.

Well, not only that, I think it's better in life, in my opinion, to experience things from when you're close to someone, whether they're friends or whether they're, you know, co-workers or whatever, when you're really close to someone, you're experiencing life when you communicate with them. Yeah. through a different perspective, you know, completely different perspective. So if you're dating someone that has like a completely different set of interests and a completely different set of desires, like someone who sees life from, you know, a totally different viewpoint than a performer. Like you're going to get, you're, you'll, it'll, I think, like, we'll broaden. your perspective. Oh, you do. I think you'll give you more perspective. Yeah, when you date people that are outside of your line of show business or even any line of work, I would think, if you're you're limited. Yeah, if you're like a CEO and you're only date CEO checks and you get together and have some CEO sex. Yeah, you know, what's up? Creepy little line are you staying on there?

Folks, you don't know if you don't know this CD. When Dice Clay was at Dice Clay, by the way, wants to do the podcast and I got his number when I call him. He doesn't have a cell phone and he doesn't have a voice mail at home. He just has a phone. If you call him, you either get me or you're get me. Oh no, he doesn't have an answer. If he doesn't answer the phone, that's it.

I love it. And when he was huge, when he was at the top of the heap, he put out a CD, a two CD recording, a double album of him bombing. He went to dingier deals. He went to dangerous fields completely unannounced and you got to understand folks when this was happening, when Dice put the CD out, Dice was feeling Coliseum's. Dice Clay was the biggest and most explosive stand-up comedian of all time. I always say that there's no guy who had more success and he doesn't get a lot of credit because it was like really juvenile. But for some for whatever reason for some people it's like not good I'll tell you what I fucking love dice what especially when I was a kid when I was with my girlfriend when I was when we were like 19 18 19 and we were listening to a cassette of Andrew dies Clay we were fucking Howling laughing way before I ever thought I would ever do stand-up comedy, but I remember thinking this guy is fucking hilarious He just was going for every single fucking thing just going for it just beyond committing Yeah, yeah, he's a fucking genius and Norton security guy Kenny, you know, yeah sure sure used to be Dice's guy and the stories that he tells I'm sure just make you love dice even more He's fucking crazy. So this is what he does. He's on top of the world. He goes to danger fields to show up and he does an album of him with no material at all. He just went up and just talked shit for like two hours ruined every audience. was so crazy it was a complete CD of non-comedy and he sold it and there were still some funny moments there was a guy named Mike Donovan who's like a Boston legend and when I was coming up he was one of the guys that I really admired and he was crying laughing recounting dice doing Nixon while he was eating the girls ass He's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,

It's like ugly guys and girls. Ugly guys and girls have this thing where they love the girl, but the girl doesn't love them back. So every time they see a pretty girl, they have this feeling of pain inside of them, that connection with rejection. So it's not that the crowd is terrible. It's just in the beginning, we're all terrible, so we grow to hate the crowd because so many times they've punished us.

Well, we have to get good enough to be better than them.

My comedy journey. No, I honestly believe that there's a lot of comics that develop this sort of hate for their audience. And it's really strange. And I think the only thing that makes sense is they connect it with bad feelings. They connect their audience with Whatever, in some reflection of how they've put out their own energy and their own personality and how people responded to that. And then their own material, when if they've had bad sets or if they've had bad things happen in the crowd and they associate that, that bad feeling with everyone who comes to see them. So they developed I've met a lot of old guys that have been in the business for a long time. I don't know how to give a fuck with these people. I'm gonna feed them what I do. They're like it or they don't like it and the show is over. I folks get the fuck out and they really do develop that sort of defense mechanism. Yeah, I'm I try to be exactly the opposite. I try to I I by now I have like when I go to shows

As an intelligent person, when you're involved in this sort of a bizarre line of work, there's a self analysis that comes along with creating new material and a lot of times you start looking at this weird relationship that you have to this strange group of people. I'm like, I'm seeking their approval and I'm doing this and I'm changing who I am. There's a weird thing that goes back and forth when you're an intelligent person and you're analyzing anything where you sort of insisting on the approval of mass amounts of people, which is what your comedy is. More so than like music.

I didn't want to say limit what I said is makes it more difficult. I think I'm more impressed when a chick can skirt the issues of sex or politics or any any position of authority or or something to make sense. Yeah, because guys don't want to hear a girl make sense that they haven't figured out.

I bet you have. You're smart. You can do it. It's not impossible, but it's more difficult.

The moments of deep bombing that happened.

But it's true. The bombing moments are a clarity moment. But I think that that's where people develop the bad relationship with the audience. I think that's it's like a guy that ugly dude with pretty girls. Just so you used to getting rejected that you felt these bitches. Yeah. We got all these last bings. They didn't even like my dick.

Yeah, I think it's a natural thing for people.

Yeah, I didn't have to. I was like, you're not fastening to me.

We've got a woman in Vegas a couple weeks ago. That was in Vegas, too. The one I think you're thinking of, which Vegas, they just go the 50 best. Because they're usually on math or XC or something. Yeah, Adville. They're on. I don't know why, and they're funny. Who knows what the fuck they're doing in Vegas? But there's a girl last time, she stood up for like 10 minutes for 10 minutes. She was like standing up in the audience while I destroyed her. What was her goal? I told the exaggeration on the 10 minutes.

She was standing up for a long time screaming and yelling at me. She was just crazy. She was just pretty and you know, and she just thought for whatever reason she just could be running this room I think she you know, I think there's confused. She's in Tecchio the ugly to any time She thought she could just stand up and start a revolution.

Yeah, I do a little bit of this in the audience.

But whatever reason, she just really, really wanted to be the center of attention. So she just caused this massive commotion.

What is, what led you to this deficit? Can you check it? It's kind of looking at this one thing of behavior. What is the catalyst? What is the catalyst? We start this sauce with a childhood molestation. Yeah, let's talk about your dad. Some leave you somewhere and never come and get you. What can we do right now?

You look like you've been selling pie. Like apple pie. Yeah. You'd have like the best tasting apple pie.

If I looked at her and I said, that bitch is probably got some awesome apple pie.

You know guys must think that's hot though.

Do they want a party with you or do they want to have sex with you? What is this with this church?

pretending to grab your tits. How fucking crazy is that weird?

I had a guy ask me if he could pick me up. I want to say it. He was, uh, can I carry you? What? What did you want to do? He was, can I carry you in the picture? They'll fuck out of here, man. Like, why would you want to carry me? That's so weird. Oh, it was so weird. It was a big guy, too. I was like, hey.

You ever get to the point where you're actually carrying me we're gonna have to we're fighting. You crazy asshole.

People have no balance. And then what next thing you know it's never enough It's never enough, so is another. Who's the average person would never ask they could pick you up and carry your phone. Like I would never ask, I'm a, don't you feel like if it's an artist, you might say, first time you've ever met them, even though you know that they're a person that you've seen on television or on a band or whatever, you've just met them, you crazy asshole. You were a bad example. You were a bad example. You were a bad example. Three seconds of FaceTime.

Well, I always wonder too when people go off in the audience. Occasionally, I will always wonder, what are they on? You know, in this day and age, I always wonder about like, what kind of weird subscription shit are they on? I'm drinking at the same time. Because some people did just just complete disconnect from reality. Right. Absolute utter disconnect from reality.

And they'll even tell you afterwards. I helped you, I hope that show. We were great, right? Yeah, that was good. We were playing on each other, right?

Yeah. Oh wow. Did you ever ask them to do that?

I don't want to do that. I want to do my jokes that I'm working on. Yeah, that is a problem, you know, especially when it becomes really funny, too, then the crowd thinks it's a really good thing that it happened, then someone else.

Yeah, they enjoyed it. I look when you trashed that fucking idiot. So I could see how the club would be like, oh, this would be fun. Yeah. But there's other clubs that won't even allow it to get to them.

They don't fuck around that place.

They're all fucking savages.

Yeah, those guys are professional New York.

The fucking place is perfect. It's perfection.

What the hell am I doing in New York? Yeah. I'm not doing that Brian. What am I doing? I'm in Hatten Theater. The Manhattan Theater.

Well, I love doing clubs just as much, but yeah, I think more sometimes even, but it's good to do both, right? It's when you can't do five shows or you can't do like a whole weekend, you know, like Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And if when I can't do that, I have to do like a theater. I don't want, you know, I get bummed out if I can only do like one show in a town. It's a little like 200 seats or something like that. Yeah. But those are the best shows, right? Don't you think like a 200 or 200?

You'll listen, I'm telling you, if you had a podcast, he'd be packing clubs everywhere. I've heard you stand up. You're fucking hilarious. You're just hilarious doing stand up as you are at roasts.

You'd be killing them. Oh my god. A podcast.

Just start talking, start talking shit. Or come on out. You could be the whole on our show.

We could introduce you. Brian. You could totally be in my home. Amy Schumer, aka the desk, what a whole.

It's only beautiful because you're here. Thank you. You bounce so well.

That just had wandered away from me.

You're not drinking me with this. You're just making this up. You're crazy asshole. Right.

Have you seen this asshole? No, I have not. May I?

He's a very strange. It looks nice in your hand. Yeah, I guess when dudes just sit around fingering and go and think it could be her ass.

If you have the feeling to just back up, everybody's different. Everybody's different. You put your finger in some girls assholes and they clamp down and go, oh, whoa, whoa.

Well, wouldn't you rather that than a guy back up? You like a, grab that second finger.

today when you get older when I get older I'm going to be fisting any dude that will let me sort of the stoke the fires yeah more old speed board whatever I can it is as sort of brown assholes disturbing it might not be a total I mean, it's what?

It's just a really tan person, too.

Well, thank you. Brian, you didn't pull this out of some girl.

It's a real doll's bottle.

Yeah, you can put different attachments in it.

Yeah. But this skin is what the real doll's made out of. Yeah. That's not as good as fush, like.

A way better. Yeah. Fush like feels way closer to vagina. Yeah. Absolutely.

Very touchy subject men and women.

The giant is something taken over some artificial shit for for years dudes had to live with girls riding equipment and sticking civilians inside their bodies.

I'm gonna have had a vibrator, but How do you feel about this crazy Rick Santorum asshole not to like, skew your judgment anywhere?

He's apparently like he's like not even into birth control. He thinks that women shouldn't have birth control and that the state should be able to decide.

You feel like he's just completely playing a game.

Uh, it could be gay. He just, you go straight to bag. Yeah, when I, whenever someone's really religious. Like bears, fat. When someone's super, super religious and they want to like, they want to either challenge gay marriage or control gay sexuality or whenever they want to get like real freaky with like controlling sex and morality issues like that, I almost always go gay with them.

Yeah, it sounds like a crazy thing to say, Joe Rogan, you're an asshole for saying that. No, I'm not. You know why? I'll tell you why, because I'm not saying that you shouldn't be religious. I'm not saying that I know a lot of people where all that is super benefited them, especially people that have had substance abuse issues. You cannot say that Christianity or religion are having a good church and a good association, a community association that belong to, that's religious and false religious tenants that it couldn't help their lives. I agree, yeah. But for a lot of people, they're just too fucking stupid.

I think we were talking about black guys.

Yeah, we hit like a personal three way mind stomp right there. We were following you Yeah, because there was a brief moment where I you know as you have a conversation it's sort of like you tossing them all back and forth through each other

You had the ball and I completely forgot what I was saying when I gave you the ball. I threw the ball in the sewer. You, you should have threw the ball back to me and I threw it. I'm like, I'm not sure you can have it again. And then you said, I don't want to follow that.

You don't want to be the Kobe Bryant of podcast. You want to push the ball off as much as possible. It's very important.

I love you. I love you move here.

I come on.

Yeah, you should stop it. That's not a funny thing to talk about now. It's like murder and babies. It's not fun to talk about either. Yeah, they don't have to tell you.

Well, it depends on who's getting raped when dudes are getting raped. It's hilarious.

Especially assholes when I'm at bad rape. Mean men are getting raped by other meaner men.

I was like, yes. Last good rape show on television was us.

That's a different way of owning a guy. Raping them.

Yeah. Raping someone when you're in a cage together. Like, and they just, they get imposed themselves on you so much that they, they sexually impose themselves on you. They make you suck their dick. Oh, oh. They, they're not in your mouth.

He imagined how horrific that must be. The moment like you've been coming up. It's not even fun if it's what you wanted to happen. But if you, you know, like you have to, it got beats the fuck out of you. The best way to not get the fuck beat out of you is the suckest deck. Let them fucking. Yes, not gonna take that much time out of your deck.

It seems less gay to get money. To bet in the rape ceremony.

Is that a free to bat me? He's betting that up.

He's actually referencing it to Betten. It's just a culture of funeral where they tie you, your dead body to a stake, and then the vultures come down and eat you. It's fucking white.

The family members.

Well, not only that, the really high level guys, the high level guys take it to the next level and they bring hammers and then they smash up the head and they smash up the bones and then they step back again, the voltures come back and they all should devour the smashed up bones. That's when you're taking it. That's when you're taking it super deep when you're hitting your friends head over with a fucking hammer. And they open them up to knives, they're like open the meat up to get the voltures to start

Why am I suspicious that you're telling a lie?

Yeah, I just tell her it you did today on the way here. Oh, you should tell her to fucking go to the link. I'll make her go to the link. No, no, no, no, no. She did the email to her. Hey, Mom, this is new place. I'm thinking about moving into him, Rebecca. What do you think? And she'll just look at that link.

Not cougar. Brian, do you remember the cougar in in Austin, Texas?

Do you have the accidental cougar?

Yeah. Do you want to tell that story? No.

It was like, it was off over. And Brian was happy as a pig and shit. He was sitting back with his arms stretched, pie and drunk, stoned his fuck. He's just oblivious to the world. And he had his huge smile on his face. And the waitress comes over and she was really cute. And Brian said, so funny. He laughed. And he clapped his hands together and we're all having a good time. and Brian kicks back and he's literally, he's so hammered and like fucking Nickelback is playing really loud. That's right. It's head is leaning back and the girl comes over and kisses his cheek and she's a fucking old biker lady. Like his old roast. He's like that chick.

She was she was like late late 50s, right? When you say I say late 50s late 50s late 50s old bike or lady sits down next to brun. Coddles with them rubs up against him. He like puts his hand on her. She kisses his neck. He turns to her and it's like watching a deer get hit by a train. Oh my god, it was horrendous when she stuck out her weathered cigarette grade tongue It was like a fucking a pin-bidgen in the movie Predator was like something you expect to come out of its mouth She was tongue-in-Brian. Oh, it was so nasty. And whatever tattoo said she had on her head long been ballooned.

Oh, they were making out. They were making out and I'm filming. I'm filming it. I'm going, look, look what the fuck is Brian doing.

And he can't even hear me. You know, it's like,

I thought we watched it. I knew that it was too good and it was gonna get out. I knew it was devastating. It would have been devastating. I would have loved to see it.

Today, I agree, but eight years ago, whenever the fuck it was, I say you weren't really ready for that, yeah. I would love to see it.

You'd wake up and shit your pants and cold sweats. You just wake up think about it and just shit your pants. That woman was horrific. That would be so awesome to have. She was like, see in the shining when Jack Nicholson is making out with the woman.

That's what it was like. That's what it was like. That's what it was like. That's what it was like. That's what it was like. That's what it was like. That's what it was like. That's what it was like. That's what it was like.

That's what it was like.

That's what it was like. That's what it was like. That's what it I wouldn't almost react to it. I felt bad. Everybody was gonna attack you.

Yeah, that's... She was a snuff-a-luff-a-guss.

Oh. But there's... And there's somewhere out there that some of them wants to suck her feet. Oh no. Yeah, there's some dude who wants to suck those dried-out, old fucking, tallest, hardened, cracked feet. He wants to suck on them. There's somebody out there, man. Yeah, man, pretty nice for me. Yeah.

It's coming here to Los Angeles finally for folks who don't know it's the Matt Stone tray Parker musical It's awesome. It's coming to Los Angeles

How the fuck those guys have time to do that, man.

There's some people that like put out like their workload is just it's so.

No, these are easy jobs, everything I have. I figured out a way to just to fake it in the entire world and do anything.

Everything I do is super easy. It's all like it's just gaining through. I mean, comedy is the only thing that's difficult because you have to write material. But then once you got it down, once you have your set down, it's super easy. You know, they're really the only difficult thing about comedy is writing the new stuff. And the travel in the shed. That, the travel. But that's just, I'm telling you your travel will be so much different if you had a podcast and bring your friends on. Yeah, you got to fight for it.

This is seen in the movie where you decide that fucking New York, New York and suck it. And you throw all your stuff in the bag and that's what you say right before you leave New York and suck it. And then they boom. You kicked it door shut. Show the next thing you're playing. Show the next thing you landed like in the movie, Snatch. You remember when the dude has to fly back to forth from London to New York and so mad. Yeah.

Pants list. I'm a street.

I remember when I first go to New York There was an area of New York Jimmy Norton with nowhere. It is he'll be sure you would I'm sure he knows where it moved to There's an area that was like near like shipyards and shit It was like a real creepy area and you drive through and there was Walkers everywhere. It was like nine of the things it was 40 second all the time for use to be like sounds like Seattle Dude, I know you don't I just my jokes this motherfucker with the inside jokes. It was it was so bizarre because it was like like it was all like chip yards and hookers everywhere.

Weird village people are actually there that that's that that's a real place There's a lot of people I have never experienced that. They don't know if they're spots where they there's all these They've decided hookers are just gonna be like that's it.

I would have never thought that Baltimore was like a hardcore sort of a place to like the wire.

Yeah, Baltimore. They used to have a comedy club. They're used to have an improv.

You just remembered that. Yeah.

So you're going to be wearing Baltimore this Sunday.

Is that the old improv?

Yeah. Yeah, that was a fun little spot.

Okay. That's where I bought John Rollo. We shot out the John Rollo. This is the podcast. He's from Baltimore.

It's a weird accent that Baltimore accent. It's a fucking, it's sort of city, but it's sort of country.

Do you have an album out? Yeah. Where how can people get it?

I love the album cut.

they haven't covers awesome with it it's her baking like cupcakes and she has a black eye and she's dressed up like oh this is the one where the the lady didn't want to do the makeup huh yeah she didn't want to do that wow cuz she thought that you're you're making fun of violence

Is that what got you in the stand-up comedy? Like, did you joke or like that?

I didn't have Saturday's attention, but I wasn't regular detention all the time. Yeah.

Do you, I don't know.

I don't know if I actually watched that whole movie all the way through. That's, yeah, that's one of those movies I probably watched like 20 minutes and then shut it off and then went back and watched the other 20 minutes and the other time. I probably never finished it.

I don't know. It's never ended and they used to frustrate me when I was a kid. When I was a kid, when those movies were coming out all those 16 candles, it's a very weird time in my life, because I would get annoyed at any, any like, feel good, like, where I, if I saw where I was going, I couldn't enjoy it, I had to, like, I couldn't enjoy any sort of, a horseshit sort of, happy ending.

If you saw like the happy ending coming in, yeah, if I just felt like it was written, I felt like I was just like really super super cool. If you could see the writing, yeah, I couldn't, I wouldn't even enjoy comic book movies back then.

Yeah, it was like, yeah, this is the bad boy.

I just showed him like but I was I just remember I was a I had really like super critical taste back then I was very, I was very critical about myself at this point in my life. And so I was really critical about everything I saw in TV and the movies. It was just a weird time for me. Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you really get... Did you Friends talk me into it and because somebody described to me Sam Kineson the first Sam Kineson bit that I ever heard was done for me by a girl a 19-year-old girl that worked with yeah, yeah, you know I don't know why I know the story, but I do know the story.

I probably told him on the podcast.

Have I told it?

Yeah. Yeah. She was so it was such a funny bit that this girl wasn't even a comedian did the bit in the parking lot. Yeah. I was like, wow, man, I wish I could come up with something that funny.

Yeah, she reacted it out and she was hot. It was really ridiculous because she's lying on her stomach in the parking lot And she's like, oh, you mean life keeps fucking the ass.

I was like, wow, and he's like a short fact guy that's doing this. She's like he's wearing an overcoat. It's hilarious. But I was like, wow, I got to check that guy out. Damn. She was making me laugh like doing an impression of the guy. You know, that's when you know your shit's good.

Yeah, she was super cool.

Especially that one. I'm partying about somebody who can try and help me out. It was just so such a preposterous scene. She's talking about getting fucked in the ass being a corpse. Yeah. For folks who don't know what the bit is, Kinnison had a joke about homosexual necrophiliax that were paying for a couple hours undisturbed with the freshest male corpses. They had been arrested for it, and he hid this whole bit about the guy being on a slab. Like going, well, I guess that's it. Now I'm dead. I'm gonna go be with Jesus, and then he starts rocking back at forth and like, hey, it feels like they're taking my ass.

It's a fucking great bitch. This girl's doing this on her stomach in the parking lot. I'm like, oh my God, there's hilarious. She nailed it.

She's probably married.

Oh god, that was when I worked at that health club. It was a really important moment for me is that when I was like 18, 19 years old, I worked at the Boston Athletic Club. I got to see Bobby Or. Do you know who he is? Famous hockey player? Okay. I'd never seen anybody that had like more than 10 knee surgeries. I'd never seen like a professional athlete who's knees have been destroyed. Yeah. And I got to watch this guy like walk around. He's a legend in like Boston. Yeah. Legendary hockey player like one of the greatest hockey players of all time. And the poor guy could barely walk. And I remember thinking like fuck man, that could you have to think about that when you're 18 years old. You're sprying. You're all fucking bouncing around like a little rabbit. You don't think that like your legs can get so fucked up that you could be like one of the greatest hockey players of all time. And still you've taken so much damage and so many surgeries that you know you're hobbling along and agony everywhere you go.

That's so weird. Yeah. It's a tough gig. You know, any guy that chooses to use his body for any sport, you know, anything we're trying to make a living, just off your body, or like a battery. Or like a battery. Or like a battery. How many guys get to be brisked in a cough? How many dudes are like, I am going to be the next punishment. Oh, no. Meanwhile, these guys are against thousands of them, and no one gives a fuck. It's like, who's going to be the next Lance Armstrong? Guess what? Nobody. No one. How about that? Go into that fucking bike racing, try to get famous. We're like, hey, asshole, we don't need to ride bikes, okay?

You know, that's just a pain thing. That's the you you're still injured.

Where you having the pain in your ship?

I know people had hip replacements. That's fucking dark.

It's not just an iron hip. You know what they do? They saw off the end of your bone where your socket is. They literally saw it off and then they screw this fucking spike that goes deep deep deep like a foot into the bone with an artificial uno for the foot. I didn't measure it. Don't get crazy on the internet. but they screw this fucking long pipe into the bone and then it's this artificial hip socket that's on the top and sometimes it doesn't line up so good like one leg might be just slightly bigger than the other leg because of it and when you're walking you have this little fucking hitch to your strong that you'll never get away with like you'll never like walk normal for the rest of your life unless you want them to open you up and resize it again

Yeah, and that's just the, you know, they're gonna be able to develop artificial everything in the future. They made a titanium bone for a woman who had some sort of bone cancer and she lost her jaw and they created her a titanium jaw and apparently it functions just like the regular jaw. It's better than her whole jaw. They inserted in place. It's slightly heavier than the old job.

You have somewhere you have to go, don't you? I do. Thank you very much, come on. Thank you.

You made me laugh so hard.

This is super cool. And I want you to do it as many times you can whenever you're in town, please. Call me and let's fucking do this all day. I will thank you ever move to LA for real Brian has a whole network of these podcasts called the day of a podcast whenever you want one will put you on immediately and when we put you on immediately. I'm telling you you're everything will change. Yeah, I'll fuck it all your clubs club dates will change medical marijuana license will get look at your card Yeah, thank you very much really really cool having you on you're awesome. See it paned out ladies and gentlemen like I knew it would This podcast was brought to you by Flashlight. It is. If you go to Joe Rogan.net, click on the link for the flashlight and enter in the code name row. You know the fucking drill. Why do I have to say at the beginning and the end? Maybe you tuned in halfway and he didn't hear the first fuck. You heard it. I'm being in brood. I'm being rude. And we're also brought to you by audit.com. Oh and IT.com. Make us of Alpha Brain. And they're in the codename, Rogan. Get yourself 10% off. Try the Shroom Tech Sport. If you're an athlete, Shroom Tech immune and a new mood, a five HDP enhanced with supplement that you shouldn't take if you're on the anti-depressants. All right.

We'll see you soon. We've got a lot of people coming up in the show. Sam Harris is coming up. Be real from Cyprus Hills coming up. Great fit Simmons is coming up. My pal from Boston started out together back in the day. Alright, that's it. Bye everybody. We love you. Bye. See you soon.