Transcript for #251 - Bryan Callen

All right, you dirty freaks bright counts here, and I don't know how to turn the music on.

I'm bringing, I'm bringing bags of chips from like the 70s.

Yes, yes. They say steaks in cash, iron.

Wow. Ferris is fastening. We've been going back and forth. He's going to come back on the podcast again. Well, let's do it. Let's hook it up. He's a great guy.

Yeah, he's apparently got a lot of stuff cooking and he's a middle of writing a book as well, but I'm a man. I love talking to him. I just love talking to dudes that are just filled with information. Like Rob Wolf, the paleo solution. Yeah, author.

Fucking great.

The guys filled with information. It's controversial.

I don't think that you can have it the same diet for every person. I don't think, I don't think everybody needs, I don't know why I need to stake. There's a lot of chicks out there that don't need to stake. They really don't. There's a lot of dudes that don't need to stake. Jamie Killstein's coming on the podcast one. He's a vegan. He's healthy. He's happy.

And he loves it. It's real fitness. He's always constantly doing martial arts, due to get to and shit, and he's a vegan. He weighs eight pounds, but he's a vegan. I'm not kidding. He weighs eight pounds.

Well, Matt Danzig, who's also going to do the podcast, we're going back and forth. I love that dude. He's a really, really interesting guy. He's a UFC fighter who's a vegan. he's also a photographer and you know he works his his reasons are that he loves animals you know that's it and I respect as well look I I love animals too if there's a cycle of life and I think factory farming is horrific but I think wild game I think that's where it's at. I think in a perfect world, we would buy meat from hunters and that would be a new fucking industry. We'd have to make sure that people were approaching buy meat from hunters. I think they should be able to hunt a lot of them because deer are fucking everywhere. The idea that there's a

And when my point is when they're wild and they're running around and then you just hunt them and kill them. I think first of all, that's the whole thing is way more humane because they lived the real life. They lived a real life that is no but the deer's never lived a better life. They have one life, that life forage for food, stay alive. If you do that, you've won.

I got to like this door. I forgot to lock this door.

Well, she was going to butcher those cows with a dairy cows.

So, but was she raising these cows for butchering?

So did they feed the cows, fucked up things, did they feed them like cow meat?

I think it's more than a thousand degrees.

But what's fucked up about it is if they could do with pigs, that's okay. Pigs actually are omnivores. But you're doing it with cows, like you're just chicken, his whole system.

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Yeah, we were actually just talking about this about going hunting. We're saying that I didn't want I Steve Renella asked me to go hunting with them to go bear hunting and I'm like I don't want to kill a bear man. I don't want to eat it. I don't want it. If it's not something that I really want to eat, like I like Vanison. I'll kill a deer.

How are you supposed to shoot that through the scope? He's supposed to backway up.

Or do you just have to brace it down?

It's crazy that they get to like a level like that. It's like they get guns to the point. Well, you get to like the 50 caliber. What are you doing? What are you doing?

This is like, I mean, that's like some army shit. Like why is a regular person buying some army shit?

you know what this raging gun control debate in this country do you think that there's any there's any possible way you could make this a safe world here's what I always say about gun control it's what I talk about with my stand up what speaking which I'll be at the American comedy club this weekend ladies and gentlemen said it that's down in San Diego Thursday Friday and Saturday. Oh shit pictures amazing club by the way. We did a desk watch show there. We have fucking great time and we did a weekend. We did too.

The real problem is that guns are out there. That's the real problem. But if guns didn't exist, then you haven't gone be a different issue.

Do you need a fucking elephant?

I don't think that you necessarily need an assault weapon that goes through a car engine or goes through a building But you know what all the law-biting people out there like my friend Anthony Kumiya from the opian Anthony shows a gun nut Why shouldn't he be allowed to have him? It doesn't bother me at all that he has guns and I I'm you know I agree I mean, I wonder than the other Anthony has a 50 caliber he has one of those cannon things

now this is where the conspiracy theory kicks in is where all these people believe that the government has brainwashed people like this joker guy to go and commit these things so they can clamp down on gun control and that when you see what is his air colder or you see like first of all than the nonsense of them selling illegal guns to Mexico and having those guns be used on american border patrol agents in murder of what They're retarded. That was actually a way to track weapons, you know, whatever they sold guns, man. I think that is the dumbest idea in the history of dumb ideas.

Well, Alex Jones, of course, put your tin foil hat on, believes that they did their shit on purpose, and they're making money off of it, and they wrapped it up in a ridiculous, completely implausible plot, like a completely implausible plan.

I think you're misunderstanding his tone note. What he's saying is it's a much more sinister thing than the government itself. What he's talking about is like the world banks and the new world order getting together and physically engineering a situation where they can clamp down on people to take away their guns because they're worried about the economy going into the toilet and then you know they're when when they're passing things like it is it is it is however when they're passing things like the NDA, when they're passing things like that, you realize what, well, they are slowly but steadily taking our rights away in a place in a time where, you know, it's really not necessary. There's no personal attacks. I mean, there's no, there's no attacks going on here in America.

And whenever you do anything that compromises people's freedom and liberty, then you have to say, well, what is the end game in this? Because this seems like even in the name of safety, you're going to clap down on freedom and liberty and safety isn't going to be worth nearly as much. You have to really look at that.

If I wasn't so selfish, I would listen to it.

And it seems to be that it's so easy to let something grow completely unnecessarily at a control. If you wanted to, you could micromanage every single aspect of society in order to create new jobs. If you wanted to create new jobs and give more people the work of, you know, well, we were just talking about this this weekend.

That's why we need clear cut laws to protect people from their own instincts to protect human nature. For you, a person who's outside of it objectively looking at the situation from a knowledgeable point of view, you can sort of engineer what is and what isn't legal. We have to avoid this so you can't take money. We have to avoid that so you can't do this. You know, unless you stick by some well thought rules, you need a scaffolding for humanity to grow on. And when you give people power with no scaffolding,

Yeah, we need some moral boundaries. We need some engineering of our culture.

But we need way less than we have.

Yeah. If they had less laws and more cops, the world would be a way better place. And if the cops were paid better and treated better by people, if more people got their shit together so that it didn't look at the cop as like someone is going to come and arrest you for doing shitty things, just don't be doing shitty things. If we could figure out a way to elevate our society to the next level.

But my thoughts of a cop is like a security person, like a friend. Like let's put it this way. Instead of thinking of cops as like someone is coming to bust you or someone's gonna take your shit. If you had good cops in a community, it's like if you had a fucking fort and your buddy was the guy who had to watch the door with the gun. Because there's, you know, crazy Indians or who knows what the fuck it happened? You need that. Like that shit is very important. You have to have somebody guard in the wall and it did somewhere along the line. It stopped being that and it became in us versus them. The society versus the cops.

Mostly junior money came in and just cut the bullshit.

And it's interesting how many people were like so down on Giuliani doing that. It really upset that he's ruining New York.

It's the better place to be than anywhere in the world.

What's the greatest part about it? To you.

So that's what people, that's the feeling that people still have about Manhattan, is that weird feeling of worrying about being mugged.

There's a lot of that man there.

Everybody has the need to belong to a team or a tribe. You know, I mean, that's why we call ourselves Desquad. You know, that's why I love being a part of 10-planetary jiu-jitsu. You know, when you become a part of like a team, you know, you become, you feel stronger. So some kid is out there on his own. You know, his family just fucking sucks and his whole life has been shit. And you know, he's there with some dude who will shoot a dude for him.

Well, this is even more intimate experience because, you know, you're in people's fucking heads, man. You know, that's why people get so annoying if you say something over repeat things or if you do something they don't like. Like the people are allowing you like the most intimate sort of like input into their brain. You're in the fucking earbuds and you're literally playing inside their ear and you're talking inside their head and if you're annoying, that's a mind fuck. But if you are really genuinely on a good path and you really are genuinely promoting other people to be on a good path too, and just brotherhood, Tom Rhodes sent me a text today that was a really fucking awesome text, because Tom just did the Ice House Chronicles show that we do at the Death Water at the Ice House. I saw some amazing old comic club and we've been doing these shows and we're going to do in this Friday night where we have all these comics. It was Dama, Rare, you know, this week it's Greg Fitzsimmons, Joey Diaz, Joey's on all the time. Kirk, Chrysher was there this week. I mean, these these shows are fucking incredible, okay? And we're hanging around in the back room and we're doing a podcast and it's a me and Chrysher and Tom Rhodes and Dama Rara and Brody Stevens and we are laughing our fucking dick sauce. It's so fun.

But it's what Tom said. He goes, I really love the feeling of comedy brotherhood. And that's what it, that's really what it was. It's like we have like a comedy brotherhood. And we really genuinely like each other, love each other and want each other to succeed and are happy when each other succeeds. That's the one thing that's missing in our group. is that weird comic neurosis that often exists where people can't be happy with other people's success.

Well, it's, they haven't been told, man. It's like, it's like, learning jiu-jitsu wrong or learning to play guitar wrong. you haven't been told the way to manage your mind and what you what you don't realize is that even though you are separate from other people you're really not and you get something from them positive or negative and that affects you and if you can generate positive feelings and other people then you will get more positive feeling in your own life

Yeah, I read an excerpt about that where they were saying some frightening numbers.

I think we know comics like that. I think we know one, at least. And it's usually the ones that are in trouble for being unoriginal. It's the desire for conquest, supersedes everything. And they really don't have any problem fucking people over. And that's where it gets really weird. Every time I've ever fucked anybody over in my life, it is left a bad feeling. Like we were talking before the show about stealing material. And I said, uh, when I was an open-micer, I totally stole. I stole Greggford Simmons and stuff. Like we stole it on purpose. We spoke about it to each other. We said, like, dude, if I'm on the road and I'm bombing, I'm doing your shit. Like we made agreements with each other. But even though I told those people his joke, and it wasn't my joke, I still felt like I was full of shit, and it like fucked with me for years.

I'll be behind the Gregor dude. No, no, you fucked the order.

Well, they make you better.

I like hearing. Unquestionably. We all make each other better.

Do certain bits that I couldn't I couldn't follow myself. Oh my god.

Well, you just keep adding information to the pile. You keep adding your learned experiences. So if you're still into it, you don't diminish your focus. My focus is a real wrestling match because I You know, like in Stephen Pressfield's books, he talks about distractions and different things that you and I do. I will. I certainly battle with those things, but I also battle with other things that I enjoy. Like, you know, what he calls distractions, like, that I think make me better. I think the better I get it pooled, the seems really strange, but the better I am at comedy. And right now, it's also never been better at comedy, and I've never been better at pool. Like, I've got this weird thing going on where I can tune in to, it's to me, it seems to be about tuning in to whatever the fuck I'm trying to do, whether it's jujitsu, whether it's pool, whatever, but it's stand up comedy, but I have to have that same sort of intensity and energy. And if I dwindle, if I drop below a certain level, I can't rely on my learned experiences with stand-up. I can't rely on the past. I have to constantly be maintaining a certain amount of current interest.

I've done it. It's a grue. I look back on my old stuff where I did that. It's the grossest feeling of all that.

I'm watching my last special that I edited. It's the best shit I've ever done and I can't even watch it. I was like, I look so stupid. I fucking talk too much. Even when I stumble through like one I'll sell this episode is brought to you by Moan. homes are a big investment. You want to protect them from fires, break-ins, and especially water. Water damage is a lot more frequent. And something is small as a leaky pipe can lead to big problems down the road. And it can also be hard to detect. since you know most pipes are hidden behind a wall. That's why you guys need the mowing smart water monitor and shut off. It's a device that can automatically shut down your home's water when a leak is detected and it also works 24-7 monitoring and tracking your home even when you're not there. It'll alert you through the app at the first sign of a leak, providing ultimate peace of mind and security. Learn more and buy the moan smart water monitor and shut off at moan.com slash flow. And right now, use the code Rogan to get 5% off free shipping and a free leak detector. That's code Rogan at m-o-e-n.com slash f-l-o. Automatic shut off in real time alert capabilities will operate when the device is configured with the proper settings. This episode is brought to you by Mizzon and Maine. No matter where you're listening, no matter what job you have, the clothes you wear to work say a lot about you. And if you're wearing boring, stiff, uncomfortable dress shirts, well, now might be the time to ditch some of the dated boring styles in your workplace wardrobes. And that's exactly what Mizzon and Maine is for. When I wear my shirt, I feel like I'm not sacrificing comfort for style. They're performance fabric, dress shirts, feel just as good as they look. And you could put on a misdemean and dress for the job you have. You will see it hanging in your closet and genuinely get excited to put it on. And if you're still dry cleaning your dress shirts, You're living in the past. Welcome to 2024, where a Mizzon and Maine has the world's most comfortable machine washable dress shirts. Mizzon and Maine invented the performance fabric dress shirt 10 years ago, and they've practically perfected the thing. It's lightweight, breathable, moisture-wicking, wrinkle resistant, and the most comfortable shirt on the market. Whatever you do, and wherever you wear it, know that you'll look and feel amazing. Shop now at masoninmain.com and save 20% when you spend $130 or more using the promo code Joe Rogan. I'll fuck up the one word, you know, one, I'll have one little stumble in there, and it's just like watching a puppy get hit with a hammer.

Isn't it fascinating though that the culture that is the least inclined to do that hard work is the culture that has the best art.

No, well, I can't I can't even imagine having my podcast in American a few years. That's what's really a problem. What's really a problem is the more you get shit like this National Defense Authorization Act. The more these different laws are passed that slowly but surely take away your right to say certain things. They just outlawed protest at military funerals. The government has recently reinstated propaganda. They're allowed now. They have been since the 1940s to actively use propaganda on the American people. That's legal now. And all this shit is going on while the internet is growing while people's access to information is just flying at them. It's like this desperate, last clawing attempt at a dying culture to hold on to power. And it's disgusting. It's disgusting that anybody would ever allow the government to use propaganda. I mean, this lead lie and distort the truth for the public in order to emphasize their point of that you would give that power to the government. It's so beyond sick.

The where the problem is it's happening. No. The problem is that it's a trend. It's happening and it takes a lot to stop a trend. It takes a lot to back it up.

And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and

Not I mean creepy sexually. I mean, does Graham Hancock, who's a guy out of the podcast before he's from England, he came to America and he didn't trust the radiation of the machine. He said they violently almost assaulted him. Yeah, he said it was very raped like the grab is cock, like the whole deal.

I think it's, you know, who you get, you know, we might get some guy who doesn't like English people, you know, dude has an accent. It's like I'm not going to go through there.

You're such a fucking fucking news-contrarian. I would have known that you were going to say that. If we brought up the what about TSA? You know what? Actually, statistics. It's not like everybody.

That's an actor. How could you say as an actor? You're a comic. If you're a comic, you should be like, you know, that ridiculous idea that you should be able to talk about anything, except religion or politics. Well, that alone is just like a cry or a call, rather, to a middling state of mind to a non-communication.

Most people don't have the fucking time, man. That's part of the problem. Most people have lives, they have jobs, and children, and all that other stuff that goes along with them, hobbies.

My point is what you were saying earlier is that they don't feel like they're being represented, so they don't feel like their efforts put into it, have any great reward. They feel like there's a lot of people. I think a good percentage, more than half, that feel completely alienated from the system. And that's a conservative estimate. If you say that half the people in this country feel alienated from the system, that's a failing system. No matter how you look at it, and the problem is, people don't feel rewarded for investing in a failing system. When a guy like Obama gets the Nobel Peace Prize, and then sends 30,000 more fucking troops to Afghanistan, and everybody's like, Jesus Christ, man. What kind of system is this? Who would have said that that's okay? Who would have wanted their sons to go? Who would want their brother to go? Get the fuck out of here. That's nonsense. That's craziness, but yeah, it's happening. So we don't feel represented.

I mean, it's got to be a strange job. If you just stop and think about who you are before you become president, if you take out all the nonsense, the tin foil hat, stuff about the illuminati running things, and you let's just pretend for a brief moment that maybe elections are real, okay? And maybe Obama is just a regular dude who became a senator, who's a regular dude who ran for president, who activated a big, Well, spring of hope in this people, and then they put him into office, and then once he gets in there, then he has to deal with these international banks. He has to deal with things like Halleburton. He has to deal with people like Dick Cheney, Rumsfeld. Think about all the people that were in power before him. Think about all the people that he has to communicate with. Think about all the shit that went down in that office. Think about all the people that died all over the world because of the actions of the group of people he replaced. and think about what that must feel like to step into those shoes and then all of a sudden you realize you are at the helm of a murder machine. You are at the helm of a thing that is in every single part of the world.

No, it's being won by a bunch of different interests, but they're profiting like massive massive amounts on war.

I mean, how much control does a guy have? Because it doesn't seem like much, I think. We deviated much from Bush to Obama at all. And in fact, they crack down on secrecy issues and crack down on prosecuting people for leaking information.

He made a joke about using the drones of someone trying to drink to date his daughters. He made a joke in one of those, you know, they do as one of those functions where he does one line. Obama got up there and he made a joke about if you were dating his daughters, he has one word for you. Drones.

That's not when thousands of civilians have been murdered by drones. Thousands of innocent civilians. I, I, I, I, I, I don't know what the number is now, but it was in the thousands. Someone sent me all the statistics on Twitter.

And what we were talking about earlier, it's all connected. The sociopath doesn't have that feeling of connection and only feels pleasure when they win. And what is war, but completely sociopathic behavior, and what is friendship other than tons sociopathic behavior. the connection that you get with people, being the most important thing. We were talking about when we were doing this podcast that we've created an environment. It's not as simple as this is a show. It's a bunch of people tuning into the show and getting like a positive thing out of it and having conversations like this and these conversations take place in their head and they experience it. They learn from it. It gives them hope. It gives them a mindset that they can accomplish something with. It gives them a, you know, my fucking people have had come up to me and go, dude, since I've lost in your podcast, I've lost 70 pounds. I start drinking kale shakes. I think come to me every fucking show.

You know, my buddies... It's not weird though, that's what's really going on. I'm sorry. It's not weird going to get ourselves into another situation.

That wasn't an inevitable one. That was one that we got tricked into.

Well, we have the internet now. I think we have a completely different sort of playing field than what existed back when Bush and Cheney dragged us into the Iraq War. I think the internet has evolved far past where it is. That's why things like WikiLeaks are so terrifying to the powers of being. Yeah, but it's real hard to get away with shit. Do you get away with shit?

Yeah, but that's just debate. I'm talking about straight information. I think that the access to information is ultimately changing the world that we live in. And it's happening so quickly. And these kind of conversations really weren't commonplace when we were kids. When we were 16 to 17, our parents weren't having these kind of conversations. They just weren't. It's a different world. We know more about how things work. And because of that, it makes it harder and harder to accomplish fuckery. Still going on right now. But ultimately, it's got to die off. In order for us to have, you know, any sort of religious society, we're going to have to evolve past that and realize just as you and I realize as friends and as members of our community that it's not necessary and that that kind of energy that you put out to control people, you know, to profit from other people's losses. is totally non-beneficial to you as well. Just because you're pulling it off into the guys of a corporation doesn't mean that you are immune to the negative rebound of that, because you're not. And you want to call it karma, you want to call it, what goes around comes around, whatever you want to call it, it's real. Okay, I have experienced it, I am walking proof of it. My whole life is proof of it. I have been, the negative things that I've ever done in my life, I have felt in great deep detail and rebounded as much as possible to turn that terrible feeling into positive energy. And that is why I've been a happy person my whole life.

Well, you know what it is. First of all, it's just pressing forward. That's constant. That constant need to write new shit, to do different things, to that constant need to be in motion. The constant need to be doing something, whether it's doing jujitsu or playing pool or writing more jokes or getting on stage. That forward momentum. That is a constant. That is, that is, that is the reason why I've done everything.

Yeah. And you can transfer it. It's like the meal multimostashi quote. Once you understand the way broadly, you can see it in all things. It's like the idea that once you lock on to what it is to really focus and get good at something, then you can care. But it's also that it's It's really satisfying to accomplish things. It's really satisfying to write things. It's really satisfying to do shows.

Right, but you just enjoying it. I love that. I think that's very important to life. And I think a lot of people like there's like a lot of people that have falsely rewarded being a lazy cunt. And you know, like you'd rather just sit in front of the TV, chill with the beers, watch TV. Let me tell you something. This is the real reality of life. If you don't earn something. You won't appreciate it. It's why people win the lottery and they lose all their money within a year. When you earn something, you appreciate it. It is, it is a cold and steadfast rule of life. And if you're laying around on the couch watching TV and you haven't done anything to deserve that. It doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel good. It doesn't you feel like a fucking loser But when I do something like if I write and I blast out like three or four hours or really good shit And they're like, oh, yes, I feel good I feel fired up I can't wait to do a show I can go watch TV and I can enjoy it I can go watch mountain men and I enjoy watching these fucking guys here's what I think is really like for me as I go I sit down and I go like this I go

The fuck's called me during my podcast, God damn it. That's Brian Ribbon. Maybe it's called Tony Wong shows down. Hey, boo, you love on the air. his mics out. It's really quite what he keeps backing up. That's what it is. Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, you can't be talking back. They're all casual kids.

I gotta get in. Thanks, Brian. This is technical information delivered via telephone, ladies and gentlemen. Brian Redban on the scene. Follow him. Redban on Twitter. All right, buddy.

By the way, where were we talking about? I wasn't saying any very important probably. This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. How much do you think you're paying in subscriptions every month? The answer is probably more than you think. Over 74% of people have subscriptions they've forgotten about. Thanks to Rocket Money, I'm no longer wasting money on the ones that I forgot about. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions. Monitor your spending and helps lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. With Rocket Money, you have full control over your subscriptions and a clear view of your expenses. You can see all of your subscriptions in one place and if you see something you don't want, Rocket Money can help you cancel it in a few taps. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all the apps features. Stop wasting money on things you don't use cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash JRE that's rocketmoney.com slash JRE rocketmoney.com slash JRE. This episode is brought to you by Dr. Squatch. I'm going to let you in on a secret. If you want to be more confident, you have to start taking care of yourself. And a great way to do that is use Dr. Squatch, especially with their new private hygiene products. They were designed to help you look and feel fresh all over.

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Try them today. Whether you're new to Dr. Squatch or you use it every day, get 15% off your order by going to doctorsquatch.com slash JRE15 or use the code JRE15. check out. But this idea that we were talking about before of community, of you know, of all influencing each other in a positive way, that gets lost in big numbers. And the problem is we could have a great tribe of like 50 people and keep it together and have the most awesome utopia. You know what it's I've heard bolder described bolders like a really small mountain community, but it's so small it's like it really almost is like a functional working utopia, but I think that we could do that it's possible to do that as a country we just have to get more people in tune to thinking correctly. And most people are just never taught how to think. They're never taught that they can manage their consciousness. They've never taught, they've never been taught that. And it happens that a mind can go down, that self-destructive, completely self-destructive, and also totally unnecessary. And you have to learn like all the times I've blown my cool for nothing and still do, I mean, I might be in my car. retard and hit the horn fucking pass somebody was just so pointless so stupid and it's almost always a sign that I'm doing too much it's always a sign of some sort of external stress it's affecting you know whatever it is it but when when you you can see that if you can see that and if you can go in the the right direction if we could fucking influence a giant group of people to go in the right direction Then you really can change something.

It starts with inspiration. It doesn't only start with individuals asking themselves what they want. Sometimes it starts with inspiration where you realize there's no difference between them and me. They were losers too. I was, I've been a loser. I've been a fucking failure in my life. Hard core. Like when people say like, hey, you're a bomb on stage. I'm like, oh, my Christ that I bomb. I bomb so hard. I bomb so hard. No one who ever watched me that day would have ever thought that I could ever be funny.

But the time you get to your 20s and you're having experiences with women, these are not. The first of all, social experiences when you're involving people that are sexually attracted to each other are very complicated. They're very awkward. There's a plenty of room for misunderstanding. There's plenty of room for defending people, putting out bad vibes, being too forward, being too. It's a very strange sort of a situation anyway. So we're not good at navigating it. you know and we you know when you're young especially you say the dumbest fucking shit and most of the time you fucking hate yourself after it's over you know you know you you didn't want to do that right it's just it's like you being thrown in a major like baseball game and someone telling you to hit that ball i have fucking things flying at me are you're really not prepared for that extreme experience no manual for life i mean well not only that i mean how much did you fucking pair i don't know how much your parents taught you but how much did your parents teach you how dating

actually raise a kid that can understand what's what's next on the horizon. Give them like a little heads up of like what this is what I went through. So this is probably that that would have fucking helped a lot. So when it comes to dating, my fucking parents can give me any dating advice.

What's to everybody? It's different. You know what I mean? What did it? A man is a person who does, this is what I believe a man is. A person who does what he wants and what makes him happy is not hurting other people. Who actually follows through and does what he wants as opposed to someone who someone's bitch. Let me tell you something. If you're a gay guy, okay, and you're not out there below in guys because you're worried about what other people think, you're somebody's bitch. What do you realize that are not? You're the bitch of all the prejudice people that want to stop people from being gay and if you are a man you'll go out there and suck some cock That's that's reality. That's true because that's what life is what I like you You probably don't but it's my right to like what I like and being a man is going after what you like And if you want to fuck and take the easy way out and take some some job that you know you can do instead of pursue a career in writing books or pursue a career racing horses.

That's what we need to teach kids and there's no better or worse. If you're supposed to be a carpenter, that's what you really enjoy. I have a buddy who's a carpenter back home. And he's fucking loves it. He loves buildings. He loves the art of putting together a great room. He loves it when it's done. He loves that he can's he'll look in this room and it's all mapped out. You're following the architects plans. You know laying down things next thing you know you know three months later, whatever it is look at the fucking awesome kitchen you guys just built totally shit. Like he gets a deep feeling of satisfaction from that. And he makes a good living. He's got a good company doing that. But it's because that's what he's passionate about. It's because he actually enjoys his work. And it doesn't matter if it's that or if it's beating a fucking band or if it's, you know, being a standoff or whatever it is, if you don't follow that shit, that's when you're, you're, you're fucking yourself, man.

Well, you weren't doing real stand-up on a first-man.

We first started hanging out. You had this act that was like, you had taken every alternative act that you saw and tried to duplicate it. And I remember talking to you about it going, that isn't even you, man. What are you doing? You're, you're going up there and you're, you're doing what these fucking weirdo-judgmental, like, dorks, what you to do. Like you're doing what you think they're gonna enjoy from you.

And it's filled with great comedy. If you're living in San Diego, San Diego finally has like a real comedy club.

They have a national headliner there every weekend. Like the comedy store in La Jolla is a great club, but you could get fucked there and they could send down on those old school headliners from like the 1970s. That has a written a joke in a hundred years. It doesn't work anywhere else other than the comedy store. They'll send those down to La Jolla. on occasion. I don't know if they're still doing that, but back of the day, you would look at the line up and go, oh my god, no, that's the headliner. No, you almost wanted to like call the people and go, please just stay up because that show would be so bad. It would they would never want to go see stand up comedy again.

I mean, you're learning how to talk on stage. Yeah. Instead of you were just like, when I first met you, you were doing this fake thing. And then you became just this like really silly guy. It was like really silly. But I was always weirded out by the fact that you were so silly, but then we would have these deep, fucking intense conversations. And I was like, where's that on stage? And then I thought about, I'm like, well, you know, that's a choice. Like, that's an artistic thing. Like, look at Headberg, one of my favorite comics ever. And yeah, there's no message in that. I was all silliness. And there's nothing wrong with

But it's funny that you're so intense, often. It's like there's a real balance to that. And it's a good quality that you have that it's missing in a lot of men, where they somehow another equate weakness with silly.

You, yeah, you don't understand that when you try to not take the hits, the rebounds double, triple the effect. Because you're not learning. Not only are you not taking the hit, but you're not learning from the hit. Because every time you take the hit, it makes you better. You gotta take the hit emotionally. You gotta take the hit psychologically. You gotta take the hit with your ego. You gotta fucking fail in life. It's an important ingredient to success.

Well, let's think about this. How disappointing is it when you meet someone and you have like a level of adulation for them, you know, your their famous, your your your fan, and they're a dick. The rebound is stunning. It's stunning and hurtful. I mean, it's incredible. But on the other side, when you approach someone, and they're like, really normal and nice, what a warm feeling that is. Because you're coming at them in an unfair way. It's like, we had Burke Kreischer on the Ice House Chronicles, and he was talking about his experience with Gene Simmons. And apparently, he did that show the actual, and Gene Simmons was a fucking complete content. And Gene Simmons like told him not to talk like he said Yeah, I told him he wouldn't be interviewing him There's gonna make this girl interview him and he was a huge kiss fan before this So when this happened it was completely devastating to Bert and having Bert relay this and then having all of us experience like I was talking about I met Robin Williams last week and but he was like real normal like really nice guy like but it was still it was fucking Robin Williams You know, they mean like he didn't have to be normal. He didn't have to be a nice guy. It could have been weird because when you meet someone like that, there's a weird imbalance. Sure. If you're talking to Tom Cruise, I don't care how many gay jokes you have in the back of your head. You won't, those won't pop in your head when you meet him. No. You'd be like, holy shit.

So yes, I would. Would you enforce your weight on him a little bit and press him backwards just to make him a little bendier will with without question.

We get laid that happen with John Travolta. We just have to put you in a proximity. You wouldn't do it with John?

Here's the problem. This is one of the reasons why I wouldn't be into doing it. It's not that I'm not open-minded, but I don't like watching guys kiss. So I don't want to do a movie where guys kiss.

You wanted me to do a movie where I saw it.

It was awesome. I had a great five-minute bit about it. Fucking hilarious. I laughed through so much of that movie child, you know why because I enjoyed it and people there was a lot I had this conversation with somebody like you know like well, you know It's because of your narrow minded point of view that you didn't enjoy it I enjoyed the fuck out of it. I bet I enjoyed it more than you Yeah, okay cuz I enjoyed it as even if yes, it is a beautiful love story in this sad and oddly romantic yeah It's still also hilarious. I enjoyed both aspects of it. I'm not close by, you know, homophobic, but I enjoyed the love thing that they had going on, but I also enjoyed cagling like a fucking school child every time they were kissing each other.

It's hilarious. It's not there's nothing wrong with it being funny. It's not like I'm telling you not to do it. But if you're telling me there should be less funny in the world, you can go fuck yourself.

And if you're telling me that what you want to do, if I think it's funny, hurts you, I think you're a bitch. Okay, because if you start making fun of having sex with girls, I'm not going to get hurt. I'm not feeling so I can get hurt. Look, well, you're a majority. They're a minority. Get the fuck over it. If you like fucking guys, you should laugh your ass off when dudes talk about you fucking guys. Because that's what you enjoy.

10-minute podcasts go fucking self-esteem.

We're on the internet, man. Listen, we have to keep this rolling for a little while.

We have so much to talk about. You being an American comedy company in San Diego this week.

Now you're confusing the fuck out of people, dude. Don't know.

Just one, right? Just one. It's American comedy company. Oh, it is. Yes, American comedy.

It's in San Diego, California. It is a fucking awesome club. It's one of those like really low ceiling intimate clubs that, you know, like the comedy works in Denver, like the old comedy.

It's good as it gets me in Doug Benson and Brandon Walsh. We were in town in this, in you too. at the paramount. And one of the things we're saying we're walking by the comedy works like, there's no better club. There's never been a better club invented than the comedy works in Denver. It's a perfect size. It's the perfect height. The chairs don't move. Nobody can move the chair on your foot. The chairs are locked in place. There's a table in between each chair. Sit the fuck down. Here's the show. Everybody's packed in there. The wage staff's awesome. The shows are fantastic. You walk by the comedy works. You look and you see one headliner after another. National name after national name. She's an individual. She's not like the improv. She's not a part of a giant corporation. Wendy is the shit.

I love that lady. If you listen to Wendy, you're the shit.

That club is fucking tremendous. And she's got another one.

Yeah. Well, Denver is fucking awesome period. And the paramount was awesome, too. And thanks everybody.

Well, I know that there's places like the Ice House, this is a perfect example, that there's been so much laughter in that place, that it feels good going in. I don't know if that's my personal association though, and it very likely could. If you led me into that place from the outside blindfolded, and I thought I was in a bakery, you know?

Well, you know, when I was a kid for years, I couldn't go to fights because I didn't like the way I felt. That's right. I got real nervous. I would think that I was supposed to fight next. And it was just a weird part of me, like I would try to enjoy it. But it was like, until I was like in my 30s, until I had really resolved the fact that I was no longer going to compete, you know, I would get nervous.

That was 70 seconds of crazy.

Because he's a handsome fuck. Isn't that weird when guys why I was a kid creeper on dudes like right in front of them.

Well, it's not just that. It's when you have such a disrespectful relationship. I've got a lot of people engage in this like. I was so over the relationship. Yeah, well, a lot of people have that weird. I'll insult you. You'll insult me and you know, you go back and forth a little bit. It's not, you're not in each other's corners. No. You're not looking out for each other. You've got a bad relationship and you're just You haven't worked it out and you're not trying to, you're just stuck in this little fucking ins and then they're around man man, they'll grow up on you. I want to take pictures and squeeze my ass.

They were like, look at their all over him. Well, those kicks that he throws. Oh, dude, we've developed that thing.

Fucking shit that was holy shit. That was a crazy fight and it was right when I had just got done saying that he has to be very carefully can't get overconfident because Melvin can fuck you up with one punch. Yeah, and then it's so explosive. Oh my god, that left hook Melvin landed too. That could it and Donald kept it together because he got fun.

Yeah, yeah. He was not okay and he's still through the kick. See that's how confident he is in his ground games. One of the things about Seroni. I love that. He'll fucking let those kicks fly, man. Because if you take him down, man, his chances are he's going to threaten you from the bottom. He doesn't get ground-up pounded now. And he threatens dudes with triangles on arm bars. He's not just long. He goes for it, man. He attacks. He attacks on the ground. So he's not holding back. So he's willing to throw. Even after getting tagged like that way, still throws a head kick.

Yeah, well, although it's most likely going to move to 55 eventually. He's still young. He's only 25 and he's having a hard time making way although he's had a less of a hard time of it lately because he cut back on the weight lift the weightlifting. He was Balkan up in between, you know, fights and putting on mass and then the cut was harder for him 55 is just a division of

It's all five of shit. Every and every weight class is growing. You know, like 35 is growing now. There's this like there's this Eric Perez kid that fought this weekend. There's like it's constant. There's so many fucking good fighters, man. It's the whole like division like the whole UFC like every single division is expanding and getting deeper and deeper and deeper. The heavyweight division is getting deeper and deeper and deeper. I think I have came for Laska's versus Junior Dos Santos on New Year's Eve.

Dude, it's going to be on the 29th of the 30th. Yeah, they're going to have a rematch. Yeah, after King destroyed Bigfoot, King just ran through Bigfoot, Silva.

This is what we talked about earlier. It has to be what you really want to do and has to be what you're really driven to do. It has to be your calling. And if it's not your calling, you better get the fuck out of there because it's a guy like Junior Dos Santos and the other end of the ring. And it is his calling. When Anderson's silver steps in that cage, he doesn't wish he was in a fucking Marachi band, you know, Mariachi, whatever.

That's what he's there for.

He's not supposed to be doing anything else.

Well, they were both throwing. Hey, makers. You know, and that is part of it is that they were throwing the kill.

He was really bad. Well, Donald hit him absolutely perfectly. He climbed them with the left shin to the head. He likes that left eye kick with the switch. He throws that so well to the head, man. It's such a powerful shot. A lot of guys don't throw it that hard, so there's dudes that stand there and they'll take one of those on the gloves. They'll recognize that it's coming, but they'll try to avoid it instead, try to move, like you can't do it to Anderson. Like you try to like Rich Franklin, try the high switch kick on Anderson. Anderson sees it coming, knows what you're going to do. Ben's and slides off the shoulder.

He's incredible. But Soroni's got so much power in it and he's so he's got so so so much dexterity with his legs. It's just coin. It just come it's almost like it's shocking how quick a guest there. He's so confident in this moment and he was very confident and then the right hand he laughed at that landed afterwards was just a bomb. It was just pin point. It was like Boom! It was like flying at him, all his power directly on the jaw, and that was the knockdown.

Yeah, well, that was a tough fight man. A lot of people thought Frankie Edgar won that fight. Almost unanimously, the professionals on Twitter thought that he won that fight.

Frank Anger's a motherfucker dude. I thought he won the fight afterwards by decision, but I would have to honestly go back and watch it again and actually score it with my mouth shut to make an accurate assessment of whether or not my feelings after the fight are over or accurate. I'm really careful about saying what I think when it's a real close fight like that until I actually sit down and watch it as if I was scoring it. Because if you're watching it as a commentator, you're also involved in it. You're trying to be entertaining. You know, I'm trying to like explain what's going on. And I don't have to like, in order to do that and do like a really effective calculation of whether or not one person one or the other, especially when it's close. Because it was the fight unquestionably was close. There's no doubt about it. It was a very close fight. No doubt about it. The people thought, Henderson wanted, agree with that. The people that thought Edgar wanted, agree with that. It was a tightly contested fight. So to really watch that in judge it, you got to really shut your fucking mouth and sit there with him. And you got to know the game. And you got to mark things down. And if you had, the best would be if the judges had access to the information that Goldian, I have access to. Like we have access to all the takedown, like the end of the round, we, we have a thing that comes up. Yeah, this is a fairly recent one. Okay. And the last few fights.

Who does it? Yeah, it's UFC staff. Okay, so the production staff is watching everything their counting strikes and there there's a whole like the you know segment of the show where they'll go to effective strikes take downtown submission attempts So we get to look at hard numbers as well as like our gut feeling about things Like, there's sometimes a guy will land like little pity-pad shots in a land of bunch of them, but the other dude lands one haymaker, well that haymaker's worth more than those pity-pad shots. So sometimes numbers don't necessarily mean, but it's good to have that information to add in addition to your calculations on how you feel about it, just watching it. So you need almost more than you watching it on your own, because I'm not just watching it. I'm getting fed information as I'm watching it. That's ideal for a judge. Not that it would really, you know, I just, not that it wouldn't help to clean house and just get people in and know what the fuck is going on in an actual fight. That's certainly would be, but I also think they need access to information the way we have. They finally gave them monitors. They get monitors now, which is very nice.

Yeah, they're not everywhere, but they've gotten in certain places. Very important. Very important as well as to have angles on shots. You know, there's sometimes it looks like a guy who landed when really the guy fell. The guy slips. You know, there's a lot of such a weird job.

It's very hard. And it's not rewarded when they're good at it. No. It's the only critique when they suck at it. You know, I'm I swear to God, man, when when I have a weekend like this weekend where we did the show at the Paramount and we did the the comedy works in Dan where meet all these cool people and everything it really does feel like this crazy fucking dream life, man. It's so fun.

Nobody earns this, dude. Nobody deserves this. This is some crazy, lucky shit. It ain't just that you earned it, because it didn't even exist before. It's not all you say you earned being the... Yeah, but you've always had a successful. But you know what I'm saying before it, before I was the commentator, other people had done it, but I'm saying before, you know, when I was a young man thinking about this as an aspiration, this job didn't even exist. Right. You know, like that's just fortunate.

It's ridiculous. Yeah, Jeff that great guy. Yeah, great guy. Love that guy, Olympic woman. And it's so, it's so strange to have like that kind of a life. You know, it's so strange to have all these cool friends and to like how this dream weekend. Like when we were all hanging around you and me and Joey Diaz and Brendan Walls and Doug Benson, we were eating after the show. After the UFC, we were laughing. drinking good wine drinking good wine eating sliders and buffalo wings and just killing it all of us laughing at each other yeah, I mean that's like we're so fucking fortunate man.

was so fortunate in every aspect in the friends that we have and our occupations and you know it's it's completely amazing but to do what we did to get like this this posse of comedians together for that show like at the paramount that is really important and it's one of the things that we were talking about before you got there I was telling them like I was thanking them for coming and I was like you guys like there might be 2,000 people out there for this show but if you guys weren't with me it wouldn't be half as fine because literally when they

We had some really good talks. He's the best. Listen, I've but I love what I'm saying. I'm getting away with it.

I tell me it's Arnold is like I don't I hardly do my Arnold impression anymore.

This is what we need to work with you. We need to get head-not-total Alonja with you together with your Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu rapist character. And make something happen. Because that rapist character is there's two of the funniest moments in my life that I've experienced in my whole life. One of them is Joey Diaz on the Alex Jones show, where Joey they fucked up and told Joey Diaz that he didn't have to worry about swearing because this part is on the internet. And Joey Diaz, there's open up a pen of... I got a tube in Wopass on the... He was... He was telling a story about going through the TSA with weed tucked under his balls and about how they're fucking machines. They don't scan shit. And, you know, this is your fucking tax dollars that work. And Alan Jones is going crazy. He goes check yourself before you wreck yourself. Big dicks in, yes, it's bad for your health. Joe Diaz Facebook Twitter stay black any any leaves or he literally wrecked the room I'm crying laughing and it's and by the way we got it all on video It's all you know I gotta see people that say I'm exaggerating. It's all online Joey Diaz and the Alex Jones show is a hundred versions of it on YouTube because it's so phenomenal There was that and there was you in the hotel room we were High as fuck and I don't even think I think I just got the job of the UFC and we would all come out to the fights and it was it's the fucking great guys event. I mean, it's so barbaric and man Yeah, to grow them fucking shit. Did you see that fight all these shit? That was crazy and afterwards we'd stakes and shit. It was just such a boy party.

We were upstairs and we were barbecued. We were so high and you know we just have this group of really funny people hanging out together So we're just making each other laugh and Brian goes into this explanation like a Brigadier to seminar and how to fuck us I was basically doing and so because I was training and and and of course I have nothing but most respect for hands-on.

Put him through my math.

Put him through my math. Put him through my math. Put him through my math. Put him through my math. Put him through my math.

Put him through my math. Put him through my math. Put him through my math. Put him through my math. Put him through my math. Put him through my math. Put him through my math. Put him through my math. Put him through my math. Put him through my math. Put him through my math. Put him through my math. Put him through my math. Put him through my math. Put him through my math. Put him through my math. Put him through my math. Put him through my math. Put him through my math. Put him through my math. Put him through my math. whatever the fuck it's called when when someone put something on their DVD and you know you go and find it so he put on the like you had to press like a couple different things where to come up it was one of those stupid things that people did before they realized that extra content you should let people watch people watch it and so any had that it thought it would be really funny and I also think he was worried about it was so dirty like connecting it to his thing I think he would do it now because like on the mastering the system you got to be careful when you're building a brand And if you're interested in that, go to 10thplanagegitsu.com because Eddie's got this whole web series called Mastering the System, and a lot of that is with Hanna Toro Arrangea, who is this, I don't want to tell you the whole story, because I don't want to give up the joke. But you got to get together with him, and you know, we'll do it.

Just fuck him, and you come out on the podcast anytime you want. I'll do extra ones for you. If I have a full week, we'll do one at night.

It's no worries. Thank you, everybody. But you should tell those guys to fuck themselves and stay here for a while.

We're doing right now.

I got to let you out of the house, man. This is fucking. I love your animals out there. That's security. I'm leaving. Hold on. Let me let me let me let me let me let me end this all right this podcast over this gentleman go see Brian this weekend to San Diego at the American Comedy Company and go to the American Comedy Company support it. It's great that San Diego finally got a real fucking comedy club and it is a badass one. Thank you to Alienware MMA follow them on Twitter Alienware MMA on Twitter Alienware sponsors through soccer punch entertainment a lot of fighters and They we really appreciate the shit out of that so we started using Alienware computers and for all of our podcasts. And if you're into gaming, they're fucking fantastic. They're really awesome. They sent us this 18 inch laptop. It's fucking tremendous. If you want to play games on them, the graphics, the speed, they're really incredible. They're pricey, but they're really worth it. They're incredible gaming computers. And we thank them for supporting us because we love the fact they hooked us up with computers. We love them as a company. And we love the fact that they support MMA fighters. We think it's a ballsy move and I really appreciate the fact that Dell a big company has the the gods through Alienware. They're which they own to step in and sponsor fighters. I think that's beautiful. And so we support people who support MMA. Thanks to Onit.com as well. Go get yourself some battle ropes and kettlebells so you can be manly like Brian Cowell like me throw that rope around big

Get some out of brain, feed your brain with some nutrients and get your shit together. You dirty bitches. Look, we love you. We appreciate the podcast, tweets and emails and all that shit. Literally, my life would not be as rich and interesting if it wasn't for how, how much positive energy we've gotten back from you people how much that is inspirational how much that makes us want to do more and and make it better and and put out more content and I appreciate the fuck that all you guys are using this podcast to make your commute more interesting to entertain you when you're on a plane, you know, whatever the fuck you're using it for. When you're at the gym, I think it's awesome. I love the connection that we have, and thank you for all the positivity. It inspires me to no end. And that's it, you dirty freaks. Tomorrow we will have Jamie Killstein on. My favorite, well, not my favorite vegan. He's one of my favorite vegans. He's my favorite vegan, lefty comedian that weighs eight pounds. He's a great guy though. And he's a very smart guy and he has this besides his strange ideas. He's got his heart in the right place. He's a good human and he'll be here tomorrow. And then we have Andrew Dice Clay on Wednesday on Thursday. We have two podcasts on Thursday. You'll leave a new dirty bitch? And you can find them on Twitter. I gotta go. All right, take care of people. This episode is brought to you by Dr. Squatch. I'm gonna let you in on a secret. If you wanna be more confident, you have to start taking care of yourself. And a great way to do that is use Dr. Squatch, especially with their new private hygiene products. They were designed to help you look and feel fresh all over.

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