Transcript for #34 - Doug Benson

Yeah, it's very, oh, did it? Yeah. This thing's very clunky. It's a huge dream thing. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much tuning in. My guest this week. The lovely and talented Mr. Doug Benson. Hey, everybody. Doug Benson, everybody. Before we get started, we have to mention that this show is being sponsored by the Flashlight. Doug Benson, have you ever fucked one of these things?

They're awesome, man. It's really like it takes masturbation to a whole new level. It seems, you know, it's a very embarrassing thing to purchase as soon as possible. Has that one been used or said just for?

I mean, no one's fucked it. Yeah. I wouldn't give you one at someone's fucked. That's good, yeah, yeah. That's wrong, right?

Yeah, somebody else told me that. I think was half-ron said that he fucked a knockoff fake flashlight. He said it wasn't very good. Yeah, but these are outstanding. It's a lot of research.

It's embarrassing. Yeah. That's what you have. Yeah.

Turn my volume up. I've had other people talked to me about this thing and it's an embarrassing thing. They're like, why would you, you know, want to be represented by this rubber vagina? Like it keeps coming up. It came up with like another person that was thinking about sponsoring the show. They don't want to be connected with the flashlight. Really?

Yeah, you would have to do something like that. But then you would never know. I mean, you know, then you show no loyalty to something that you actually believe. If you don't believe this anything wrong with fucking this thing and you want to pretend it's like one of those things where people don't want to talk about sexual things because somehow another talking about sexual things is something makes people uncomfortable it's creepy you know but it's a natural part of life and like most rational people at a certain point time just kind of accept that And then he can joke about it and go, hey, I fucked this rubber pussy. Ha ha, it's a good. Yeah, it's great. You should try it. And then everything's good. But for some people, it never gets to that place. Never gets to that place.

That's so important. So important, hanging around with the dudes, we're going to tell you everything. That's so huge. Embarrassing, ridiculous, retarded, all of it. I want to hear it. Come on. Give me all the dirt.

Yeah, you can't really do. I mean, it's almost like the Jerry Seinfeld route has been said so many times and gone down so many roads it's like I don't see anything there it's like if you want to do stand up today it's like you know Jerry Seinfeld as Jerry Seinfeld you know that style is hilarious at it but I don't want to see a new one of those well also he sort of teach sort of turned it into another thing like he made it popular it's more fun now to watch actors on a show like the office

Yeah, I was a big fan of the evening at the improv. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, experience them. Yeah, I want to hear like I really Tell me what you did not watch everybody. Yeah, I want to hear a dangerous thought to admit I want to hear you know I want to hear some some truth that we can all agree with I want to hear something fucked up too. I don't want to hear the regular shot. I get bored with it. I'm tired of it. I want to hear something. You know, I like look for it at Joey Diaz's sets more than anybody

I do know.

The best is both, right?

That's like Louis C. K. Yeah, but you're right about sign phone. Like he was he was such a brilliant joke writer and deliver like in his style. And then to have that show, and then you really see where, you know, Kirby enthusiasm really got to see where Larry David had a big hand in it too. Because once I started seeing that show, it was like, oh, okay, this guy is like the king of creating like really awkward situations that like literally you watch like some of the shows and you find yourself contorting because you're like, what you fucking saying, you know, it's so good. It's he does such a good job of weaving that web, you know? He's one of my masters. Is he?

Yeah.

You remember when there was the water bottle in this pants and there was a little girl and you know there was like some implication like people thought that he had a hard on because the little girls are African how he set it up but I was like wow yeah if you listed everything that he was guilty of in the seven seasons of that show he's done some pretty horrible things you know like just a worse thing in every situation you know like

It shows like that, it's so important. Show you that there's like another level out there. I think that's important for stand-ups too. It's good sometimes to watch somebody else. And somebody really good, watch a Bill Cosby in his prime or something like that to really get inspired or just kick it up to another gear.

Yeah, it inspires, you know, it does something to you. It makes you excited about performing. You know, I'm most excited about writing after I see like, you know, I'll see you shall pal perform. I go, fuck, I just want to go right, you know, it just makes me want to create new shit, you know?

You know, 10 20 minutes work and then you're in. And sometimes they come in full form. Well, they'll just come to you out of the air. It's like a little gift.

Yeah, I don't know. I write out of the ether.

Yeah, I agree with you. I do, I do both. How high do you get before you go on stage?

Yeah.

I know I find myself like almost like feeling bad for what I'm subjecting the interviewer to sometimes because it'll start on some like really innocent question. I'll just start going on about, you know, the What is the cause of humanity? What are we here for? Like, this is totally nothing to do with anything we're talking about. But in my mind, what I'm thinking about is, you know, the whole vision of the world and where it's headed and, you know, might have been a really simple question.

Yeah, and I'm just super banked going on about the universe. It's like it's all coming to me and these big waves just need to get it out.

I got way too hard the other day and went on stage and went to the, uh, I was at the John Love It's Comedy Club. So you think this dude, I think that's it.

But if he was like, holy shit, you dug Benson. Would that give you a, am I?

He's a nice guy. He's a nice guy.

Oh, I got way too baked. This guy gave me a cookie in between the stage. Joey did they're like these little, what are those little, long banana shaped things called? You know, I'm talking about the Scotty. Scotty. Not really banana. That's the closest thing I've ever seen. That's a strike I know what it is. Don't I know the Scotty? I could see the banana. How do you describe that shape?

Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. That's the best one. Cookie. Cookie can do. Just guy. I didn't even eat a quarter of one man. I didn't eat. He goes there really strong. Okay. Just I took a bite. One bite. 45 minutes later, I was on stage and I was aboard an alien spacecraft while I was talking to these people. I mean, I was barely there. I barely there enough to communicate. I was so high, there's no way I should have been talking to public.

Yeah, it's cool. I mean, it was a fun club. You know what?

Yeah, but they put a curtain right out. They could, but you know what I think that bad. Like San Francisco punchline doesn't have a camera. Yeah, and that works out. Okay.

That's awesome. Yes, as long as people aren't do she, it doesn't matter, but you are right. It does give an opportunity for things to get annoying. Yeah. Any time you have a bar where people can stand in order to drink your fucked or divert attention to from the crowd I can't just click quietly because people yeah people who start hitting on people and talking the last show I did like where it was a standing room show me and Joey did this show in Memphis and was like this last minute booking and it was a rock club and so but like oh yeah they have bands there fucking well, you know I'm sure it'll be set up fine and the guys like he wants to do standing room I usually don't I said okay Fine, fuck it. The whole half the room was standing. Half the room was seated and was really strange. It was like your stand-out stage and to your right everyone seated and to your left is a bar. So literally like everything to your left is like there's like 200 people just standing and talking. Yeah, of course. So you're doing stand-up in a bar and bear their barely paying attention. Yeah, they're acting like a band is on stage. I used to do that at the House of Blues too, but now after we went to see stand-up and we had to stand. And it was horrible. It was like after an hour, like you're fucking backwards, your next Thursday, to kink up. And so I said, I'm not going to subject anybody this evening. Yeah.

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It gets less bodies in the venue. You lose money, but it's to me, it's better. Oh, to let him say to let him say it.

Even if I wasn't even doing stand up, it was a shipper or something like that. I would stand out Stanford two hours. I mean, how often does this guy come to town once a year? Should I can stand for two hours once a year? But it's not the best feeling. The best way is to sit down and chill. They sit down and chill and then you could really enjoy the jokes when you're sitting down relaxing. Everything's more fun.

Yeah, you're totally right. I like it when this the seats are fixed fixed seats into that so they can't even move them like if the comedy works in Denver.

Denver's pretty, they get wild man. Yeah. Colorado people get wild. Yeah, it's, you know, a lot of wild cowboy in Colorado.

Fuck yeah, it does. You're a mile up in the air, man. Yeah, so you ever try working out up there?

Yeah, I can only imagine. Yeah, walking up hills is tough up there. I went hiking once and it was like a full-on workout. Like I was breathing heavy and sweating. It's like, this is crazy. This is not where you want the mountain line to catch you. I'll heaving out of breath and shit. Can't even make it up the hill.

Oh my dog. Oh god. When I lived in Colorado, my dog had eaten my little crab. Yeah, we saw the mountain line.

Does weed ever go bad? That's smart. No, it doesn't.

Really? Yeah. Joey likes drying his weed out it takes as we need to so I like a radiator.

Yeah, I'm asking you that, but I put my coffee in the freezer. I don't know why I do that.

I please it for another generation. This, um, edible thing taught me a lesson man. I will not eat anybody else's shit and then go on stage. It was a dickied known and I he's a one of those professionals.

Oh, no, totally. No, you're totally true.

Yeah.

It's a big URL in about an hour. Some of these assholes put too much in.

There was a job in Colorado, one of the local newspapers to be a marijuana critic. And I got the job. I signed up for it. And they were like, are you serious? I'm like, fuck yeah. I want to write. It was right before we had to move. But when I was there, I was going to go to different weed stores and grade them. And somebody else is doing that now. They should.

He's like degenerate number two.

Let me ask you this. Wow. Are you free to change the way you sign your chance?

I'm saying like, same thing, you have a signature, right? Your signature is supposed to represent how you write it, your own very unique way of doing it. Right. Is it possible? Can you just decide, I don't like it that way. Now I'm going to do this with a star in the middle of it.

But it's your signature. You're still writing the same word every time. What I'm saying is, could you just totally change it up?

So what's the point? It totally changed it up. And if that's cool, if you're allowed to do that, what's the point never to signature that?

Well, when I was a kid, I could imitate Gene Simmons's signature. I could imitate Ace Freely's because I had like copied over their signatures. I was like a huge kiss fan and you could someone could do that with you easy. Especially those little stupid things at the credit card when you're signing your name and it doesn't look like how you write your name.

That's interesting.

So you won't sign things because of that? Yeah.

I would imagine. Yeah. Well, you know, you should definitely be paranoid about identity theft when it comes to credit cards, but I don't really think you should worry about your signature. It's too easy to duplicate. Just carry around a stamp.

You know, shit. I don't think they're I think you could imitate it. You could figure out how to write so many signature and you could probably pull it off close enough

Just have to watch their motion. If you watch them, if you film them, do it and you saw how they do it, you could just imitate it.

Well, that's to that's too easy.

Yeah, and your iPhone's die, man. Especially if you fuck around.

Yeah. Yeah. You got to think about that if you're using the camera for sure. But it came. It's such a great thing to have a good camera. The other day we were in San Francisco. We ate some Chinese food after the show. It was like two o'clock in the morning, we were outside and this... I saw it.

I totally have seen some crazy shit. But it was crazy and I was so high.

It was so excited about it. It was so ridiculous to me. It was such a sign of the times to me. It was like a scene in a movie right before the meteor hit. Right before the alien landed. Somebody's audio tuned.

There's this big clear box that pulls up and there's girls dancing. It's a fish tank of skanks and they're dancing. I mean, it was the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen in my life. It's for the Hustler Club. We had to rewind the video to find out.

Yeah, I can't be dancing while we're driving. You're gonna sit here a little bit.

We thought that might happen. We thought they wanted to be going to jail like maybe it's illegal to do that because it seems so ridiculous, but apparently it's not One of the things that was funny is when we were filming the girl, and I didn't film their faces. I didn't specifically did it, so I knew I was already in a plastic car. If I'm going to put it online, you don't need to see your face on me. Yes, they're literally stripping for a week and all of a sudden. That shit's on the internet forever, so I didn't use their face. But anyway, while filming it, the girl goes, no filming. Like we're in the club, like bitch, you're in front of a Chinese restaurant. Okay, you're not at the club. If we're at the club and I'm filming you, yeah, that's a dick move. But you just can't come out into the real world in your underwear. And I can't take a picture of that. That's crazy.

You know what you're doing, right? You know how the game works. Yeah. They only want you to look at what you look, but, you know, it's there for everybody. My eyes are here. God damn it. Yeah, let's do this here. I wonder if there's a purple bill for strippers and you don't want us to look at you. It's awesome though. It was awesome. It was just like such a such a such a such a a just a first of all just a perfect representation of how nutty San Francisco is. I wonder if that just goes such a nutty.

No one. No one.

Oh, a lot. It's just so liberal there. So open-minded. It's a weird town man.

Well, I think you have to have your sheep out on. I think if you're in a car, you have to wear a sheep out. Right? I mean, that's a law.

I like wearing it to be honest with you. I've been pulled over for that. I've had a guy tell me to do it. Really? This episode is brought to you by Dr. Squatch. I'm going to let you in on a secret. If you want to be more confident, you have to start taking care of yourself. And a great way to do that is use Dr. Squatch, especially with their new private hygiene products. They were designed to help you look and feel fresh all over. like the growing guardian trimmer. It's perfect for grooming above and below the waist and the ball barrier dry lotion helps manage sweat and chafing while beast wipes keep you clean front to back. It's the care your body deserves. Try them today, whether you're new to Dr. Squatch or you use it every day, get 15% off your order by going to Dr. Squatch.com slash JRE15 or use the code JRE15 at checkout and he said he said you were driving