Transcript for #836 - Hannibal Buress

Hannibal Montana, is that it?

What is Hanuman doing? That's the show with that cute girl. The Cyrus girl, right?

Yeah, they can't win. I can't win. Right? It's parody.

Even if you were, you know, I think you're okay. Whatever happened to that chick, she was going crazy for a while. She, uh, remember? She was grinding on people on TV.

She was grinding on people on TV. She was going crazy for a while. She was grinding on people on TV. She was going crazy for a while. She was grinding on people on TV. She was going crazy for a while. She was grinding on people on TV. She was going crazy for a while. She was grinding on people on TV. She was going crazy for a while. She was grinding on people on TV. She was going crazy for a while. She was grinding on people on TV. She was going crazy for a while. She was grinding on people on TV. She was going crazy

I think she likes Hannah Montana.

That fan took too much heat, man. He did. God, man. I remember when dad fan was on last comic standing, because it was season one, and I was one of the judges. Yeah. And he fucking killed. Right. And it didn't seem like there was anything wrong what he was doing to me. Yeah. But a lot of people got mad at him. Just for being... No. It was like they just thought he was too, too much of a big show. You know, he's too loud. Yeah. I don't know what it was. They got upset with him.

Right, like you get mad if your friend likes a movie that's sucked.

Birdman. Oh Zach Alphanacus was in Birdman.

I can believe it. He's kind of got a point. It's kind of pretentious, but I mean, don't you want that sometimes like someone to take a chance to make something that's just bizarre. There's a bizarre ass movie like that was a chance to take a movie.

To get like that with music. Yeah. You know, you can talk to some people about certain bands. Right. You're just not supposed to like. Like when I was a kid, I used to have to hide the fact that I loved kiss. Yeah. Because like when I was in like seventh grade, kiss was not cool. I was like, it was not a cool thing, like the young kids, they all wanted to know about like ACDC and Led Zeppelin.

Here's what happened with Kiss. Kiss had this gigantic loyal following that came to all their concerts. They sold out gigantic arenas all over the world, but they couldn't get any radio play. It was real weird. They only had like a couple of big hits. They had like bath, bath was a big hit, Detroit rock city, rock and roll all night. Those were big in party. You have every day. That's still a big one. But they wasn't a lot of radio play. It was hard. Like there was a lot of bands that had way more radio play. But for whatever reason, they never lost their popularity amongst their hardcore fans. Because they put on a great show. I want to see them twice when they made their comeback tour with Kevin James. Kevin James was open to the kids no no no we're friends we went to watch it This episode is brought to you by Robin Hood. You want financial security for you and your family? Well, you gotta make it happen. The world doesn't owe you a living and that's how I've always approached my finances and you can too with Robin Hood. Robin Hood pioneered commission-free stock trading over a decade ago and they continue to offer innovative products to help you maximize your money's potential. With over 23 million funded customers Robin Hood is helping people build a better financial future. Robin Hood gives you complete autonomy to make investments to pursue your future goals, whatever they are. Maybe you want to look towards investing for your family's future, investing for retirement, or even a vacation to the Bahamas. We all have some bucket list items to cross off, and Robin Hood has tools to help you pursue them. Investing a small amount now could make a big difference 30 years down the road. Take control of your financial future with Robin Hood. Download the app or visit Robinhood.com to learn more. Disclosure. Investing involves risk and loss of principle is possible. Returns are not guaranteed. Other fees may apply. Robin Hood Financial LLC. Remember, SIPC is a registered broker dealer. This episode is brought to you by Zippercruiter. Look, patience is good at all. But if you're just sitting around waiting for everything good to come your way, well, you're going to be disappointed. And you're going to miss out on some amazing opportunities like your dream vacation. You have to work. Save that money and actually plan it out. It's never going to happen if you just sit on your couch at home thinking about it. And the same applies to your company. You don't want to miss out on hiring the best people for your team. And luckily there's an easy solution. that you can use. It's ZipperCuter. Try it for free right now at zippercuter.com slash rogan. They'll find you qualified people for your role quickly. And once you find someone you like, ZipperCuter can help put you at the front of the pack. Just use their pre-written invite to apply message to connect with your favorite candidates ASAP.

Just go to zippercruiter.com slash rogan to try it for free. Again, that ZipperCruiter.com slash rogan. ZipperCruiter. The smartest way to hire. What are combination that would be? Doing some stand-up. We're from a kiss. Have you ever done standing up in front of a band?

What do you ask for?

Why not? That's what you want to do. Definitely should do it. I've opened a few bands back in the day, but I'd never do it again. Some of the experiences were just horrific. Yeah. I opened it for Bon Jovi once, and theater in the round. It was this thing for VH1. It was in the round, and I was on stage with a bunch of like musical instruments. Like a lot of like, it was like, there's a drum kit there. I had to move around. I couldn't like do anything physical. There was like a microphone set up. And then after I did my set, I was supposed to bring Girls towards the front of the stage. They wanted to pick out attractive girls in the audience to go back to them. No, no, no, be around the stage. Okay. So the one that's filming it. Oh, okay. The ones that are really close to the camera, screaming. Yeah.

were road dogs. Not that they wanted a bunch because they were filming it for like VH one. Yeah, it was the time. But I was like, I can't do keep doing these. They just don't go well 50% of the time.

It's a 40 minutes outside of Chicago.

That's hilarious, but some psychology shit, right? He's going to point to the most successful comic ever, and compare you. Kevin Hart is, if he's not the most successful, he's like top two, right? I mean, who are the arguments? There's three arguments, right? It's like dice clay, dain cook, and Kevin Hart.

It's got a motivational shoe.

Definitely smart dude. He's smart dude worked hard and I can't but that's funny that he thinks that like yelling that out. It's gonna hurt your feelings. It was just more weird. It is weird. But that's a that's a that's a a jab, you know. It's interesting that people do that like you point to like like as if almost as if someone's success even though it's like astronomical like crazy success even to a really successful guy like you He'll fuck with you. You know what I mean? Yeah, I mean you do really well. I know you're not walking around going, man. I wish my life was fucking better right now. No, you're great. Everything's awesome in your world. Everything's smooth as fuck, but someone can yell out Kevin.

Oh, that's hilarious.

Well, she felt like she could get a free shot of you because you're framers. Yeah. Or she just does that to people all the time. Maybe she does.

Oh, she was a big, beautiful girl.

Oh, tone that way. Yeah. Yeah, maybe. No, she's been rude. She made me just a big rude giant bitch. She wants a dude to like take that challenge. You know what I mean? Like if you're a girl that's that big and athletic, you could probably fuck up a lot of dudes. Yeah, you know, that's a big girl. It's probably has to like, she probably has to like, she probably has to test dudes all the time. Maybe that was her way of hitting me.

Yeah, maybe if you just took it like an ace, you just rolled with it like a Shaolin monk. Yeah. Maybe you were... Well, I did, Meg back, but then... You did, but that... That's actually pretty fine. That's why you did. I think it really worked out great.

I don't know why I always want to wonder what someone's motivation is, but I always do.

You never know. And it's almost like, why am I bothered? Why can I just get the fuck away from this? Why do I have to find out what someone's motivation is?

Well, it's a game that you're really good at. It's a shit talking game. Yeah, you get upset when someone starts talking with you. Like, when you're a goddamn amateur here. Yeah. You should talk with a professional comedian. How often have you done this? Yeah. How good are you at this for real? It's fun though. It is fun. It's all fun in games, so someone's soul gets crushed.

That's hilarious. That's a good move, though. Yeah, dude. Yeah.

It's just mowing.

I don't think we're ever gonna really know if they're coming or not. I think it could be a lot of fuckery going on. Yeah. A lot of fake orgasms. I don't know. A lot of times, the girls just fake, come so that you could stop. Really? I don't know, I'm guessing. I mean, it's must have happened. But I'm just saying, I don't think air coming out constitutes orgasm. Seems like it should.

Sleep all your shit in the room and buy new shit. That's what you do. You just go, you just don't eat, have your phone on your hand. Do you have a computer back in the room? I do. Okay, so you go back in, you don't want to leave the computer. You go grab a computer, you go, I'll be right back. And then you never come back.

That's the gentleman's move. I like that. It's better than what I was going to do.

It's a life on Vegas. Yeah, you could meet someone like that on the first nine. They could be the best person you've ever met in your life. You fall in love forever, right, Jamie? I mean, you definitely can't. I support you on both decisions. Yeah. I support you on your impulsiveness and just flying out of beautiful woman. I support you on continuing to either pussy and ask you for consent in the middle of it. I support you on that. And I definitely support you getting there another room and doing it classy and getting a ticket to the flight ticket. But that's good. Yeah. Even better. Yeah. I support you 100%. That's a fuck. You got an A-plus, sir. If I was your teacher, if I was your professor, and uh... how to be a man and you're fucking a plus thank you that's what you do that i'm growing up successful comedian with resources fly that young lady out yes she might be the girl you dreams yeah maybe it'll settle down next time verse settled down relax

That's interesting, man. What if you start a fucking Hannibal Burris hotel?

Man, the hotel business sounds interesting. Like, you developed a cool, because it's kind of entertaining in a way. Like, you're entertaining those people.

But you know what I mean? Like, experience of going to a hotel is in a lot of ways like an entertaining experience. The lounge, the club, what you have in a lot.

in a lot of ways like even the other way like there's a motel six and catch a can Alaska that I stayed at and it's fucking great our hotel six I guess the hotel six yeah but because it's so ridiculous because it's in this like really remote place yeah it's this something cool about that you know there's something cool about just the standardness of it all the wood panels on the door you know like that kind of shit I don't even know that wood panels but you know what I mean like that like standard motel six type of look When you're even in a place like that, that like if you went to a place like Ketchup can Alaska and there was a four seasons. Right. And then with like some sort of a fire place that is broken glass in it, like one of those weird ones, you'd be like, what the fuck is this? It wouldn't make any sense. But the Hannibal Burris hotel. I see a lot of red valour. I see a lot like this room. I see red velour, black, I see gold lace. I see like a beautiful design to the place. I hear good music. Good food. Smells good. Food is good.

We're talking about in this hotel, how big? Little, right?

That's beautiful. That's like a fucking party. Yeah. 20 rooms is like a party. Like if you had like, we all have a, we all gathered up all of our friends that we knew. And we all brought girlfriends or wives. And this 20 of us, we could, we could fill a goddamn 20 room hotel. Yeah. Easy.

Well, down I'm torn. Because I want your hotel to be successful, but I want you to keep doing comedy. I want you to turn to a lazy bitch.

But it's the speaking fees, man. Speaking fees. Whoo! That's what you make all your money. You do your eight years and when you get out, you make a billion dollars. And how much thing on bomb is gonna make? uh let me tell you a couple millions you know you know who should be rooting and crossing his fingers that trump wins is obama because if if trump wins obama makes so much fucking money talking about you know like democracy and giving speeches about what it's like to be a president and what it's like to run the greatest nation in the world he's a way trump oh he's gonna be funny the way but he can be like you can literally double his money trump wins deep

campaign. It's entirely possible that he doesn't really want to win. If you think about it, it's entirely possible that he thought that it would be like, remember when Howard Stern ran for governor of New York?

Yeah, something like that. Wasn't it Jamie? Um, I think it was somewhere in there, but um, I don't think Howard Stern really wanted to be to the government governor governor. I just think he wanted to have some fun. Right. And that might have been what happened with Donald Trump. Like he might have been just thinking he was going to make a splash. have some fun and nice into deep. Yeah, he was still doing his TV show back then. Remember, like he was still the celebrity apprentice guy or whatever it is, not celebrity apprentice. Is that the name of the show? Why does it sound so stupid?

The apprentice. So NBC fired him from that show because he was saying a bunch of shit about Mexicans. And when they fired him from the show, that's when he ramped it up. And when he ramped it up, that's when he got more and more popular. And that's when he won the Republican nomination. Like it's all part of it is because NBC canceled his fucking show. That's what happened. And we see it made the blame. This is what we got to blame. We got NBC and we got Caitlin Jenner. because there's a part of America that when Caitlyn Jenner won the woman of the year, after being a woman for six months, and when ESPN did that giant piece on her, and they're fucking flying over her house with a helicopter, and the drapes are blowing in the breeze, and she's hiding in the shadows, and they're like, what the fuck? There's a part of America that was like, fuck this. Enough! We got to put our foot down. We got to put our fucking foot down now. And then Trump came along. I'm gonna ask hold when they were like, I'm gonna ask hold to stand up, stand proud. People got upset. I think there's like an Evan flow to shit. I think when things go too left wing, too progressive, too transgender in the bathroom, all that crazy shit. When that goes down, there's a part of America that's just not ready yet. They go fucked up.

He's a villain to this.

It's pretty good impression. It's not bad. I know exactly who you're doing. Wow, we were watching earlier when you said that Obama founded ISIS. We're watching that earlier. We're like, this is like a pro wrestling show. Like he's saying some crazy shit. But he's saying some, you know, what play it's what you hear, Jamie. Trump asking for the vote of every senior African American.

I hope he's high as fuck right now. And he's making a documentary.

Chris Bell's filming all this serious. Superly. Look at them. They're all screaming cheering. This is a black woman back there.

Wow, it's amazing. We're watching a movie. It's a call and brother's movie.

He's it. I promise you. Why, but even just saying that, like, what, what gives a shit if you, what, what percentage, how do you know that?

But I have some pretty significant theories. I think that people are way too soft. I think it's way too easy to stay alive, and I think we've never ever had that in human history. And I think that we're overbreeding because of it at a ridiculous rate. And I think there's a bunch of people out there that have no business fucking and or having kids. Well, you just turn in very serious. I'm fucking serious. I think it's not their fault. It's no one's fault. It's just the cycle that we're in. We're in a cycle of safety. We're in a cycle of safety. That's what we're in a cycle of recreational outrage. People are getting outrage of things that don't make any sense. The reason why there's no life threatening fucking situations that are constantly at your door. There's no wolves. There's no fucking nothing's going wrong. So we're going after words. You can't say retard anymore. You know, don't say tranny. We're getting outraged about shit that doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, those are bad examples. I should have retarded is not a bad example because it's like it doesn't that doesn't mean a disease It just means someone who's slow to get things Yeah, we should automatically imply that you're you're picking on someone with a mental illness and in fact when people initially had Down syndrome when the birth certificates would come it would call them a mongoloid idiot That would be like what it would be listed on the actual birth certificate Yeah, mongoloid mongoloid idiot. Very straightforward. It's very straightforward and very big. It's hard times. These are hard times we're talking about. It's good. It's like everything is good. It's better to be alive right now. This is good as it gets. This is a beautiful time. But we're going to get things like that. We're going to get things like that Trump thing because it's so fucking easier to stay alive.

We just got a balance back.

No, I'm not. I think this is the best time to be alive ever for sure. But there's guys like you and there's guys like a lot of my other friends and that I'm just happy to know and happy to be around and then there's a bunch of people out there unfortunately and for them they've been exposed to some bad ideas. Yeah. And they don't have the best genetics and they'll live it in somewhere that sucks and they get to vote too. Right.

I mean, it's halfway there. He's the Republican nominee.

But I think those people that you're talking about, that you can't believe they think that way. They're a product of whatever the fuck happened to them in their world. Like there's pockets of the world that are all a mess right now. And if you were born in that pocket or I was born in that pocket in the same sort of circumstances, that's one of the things that's hard. It's hard to recognize as a person. You see someone's an asshole, you just go, it's fucking asshole, fuck them. But in a way, we kind of kind of look at those people go, damn, they just got fucked. they got born into a group of dummies with a bunch of violent tendencies and crime and bullshit nonsense and this is all they've ever known and they're just trying to get by and you know a guy like Trump comes along And if it wasn't Trump, it could be a number of motivational speakers all throughout the country that might have nefarious intentions. Anybody who's really like super charismatic now, it's kind of open game. Like when a guy like Trump can come along and talk as much crazy shit as he has. And in some ways, I'm not opposed to him winning. Because in some ways, I'm like, look, he has the best guide of fuck this system in the ass. And we know this system sucks. It's almost like, this guy's a suicide bomber. Trump's like this wild dude with a vest and a sweaty face. And he just run into that camera. Yeah.

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Do you know Tom Rhodes? Yeah, he was on dunk and trustless podcast the other day and he was talking about the way it's set up in Holland. Yeah, something James, if you could find out how many candidates they have how many parties rather they have at Holland, but it's many, many, many and they're all like, it's it's real reasonable like how they're placed. Yeah. And I'm sure there's like a lot of us, me included, that we were upset because there's some things on one side that I agree with, some things on another side that I agree with. And some things that aren't being represented at all. Like the idea that these two people, whatever opinions they discuss, are the only opinions that we should all be talking about, that's crazy.

Oh, that's wrong. Jesus, look at how many they have in Holland. This is crazy. How many they have, Jamie?

But they have 11 different parties?

Wow. See, that's right. That's how it should be done. We're getting hoodwinked by a group of people that are just controlling this ancient system. And it's not a good system. And they know it's not a good system, but the only way you could ever stop this system is you have to have people with pure hearts and minds that are willing to admit the system sucks. So they're going to lose whatever position of influence that they have and step back and be judged by the merit of their own ideas again. Instead of being a senator or a congressman or a president, they just say, look, this system sucks. You think it sucks? I think it sucks. Let's get to get the best legal scholars and people that understand human nature. And let's conduct and compose a system that works. And let's really run the government like it's one of us and that we're all in this together. These old folks don't realize that. They just, they just cling to power till they're in the grave. They just hang on, do it like it's a rope hanging over the abyss. They know they're gonna drop into it.

That's just the way it's gonna be, man. I'm fascinated by it.

Dude, if you can't take jokes and can't play basketball and you're not really good at fighting, you find a way to be special.

Here's, here's the weirdest thing about that impulse. When you see someone out there in the world, when you see someone that you admire, whether it's an athlete or a brilliant scholar or whoever the fuck it is, you see some musician, you see some you really admire. That person is accomplished something amazing. Right. All the president asks you to do. is get people to like them. Right. That's it. Like Obama really didn't have a whole lot of experience in the world, like creating things or making things. It went from being what lawyer to a senator, right?

I forget.

But it's not like like pick a person, like, you know, some great person in history that's done something amazing. And you look at them and you're like, wow, I would love it if that great person of wisdom and accomplishment if that person was tap up and be president. We, that doesn't necessarily have to be the case in America. All you have to do is just be liked. Right. Well, that's kind of crazy.

Dude, you're 30 and you're thinking about retiring.

That's very smart, man. It's very smart and you're doing it like in a real proactive way. Not a whole lot of people look at it that way. Everybody else just sort of like rides it out, you know, or, well, it's a weird mindset, right? It's like the investment mindset is so different than the creative mindset.

Isn't that a funny conversation, man? That's a funny conversation, because we all know what it's like. Have you ever been on a bad show?

There's a bunch of dudes out there right now working in Lumbiards, driving trucks, taking meth, trying to stay awake. Listen to us right now. Go on, you fucking bitches are complaining about being on a shitty TV show. What do I sign up, bro? Where the fuck do I sign up? Get out of this job. And you're right folks. You're right. You got a special humor us. Yeah. You got a humor us because I've been on a bad show and I was on a show that was he was he was worse than a bad show. Yeah. Good show it turned into a bad show. I was on the show called Hardball and started out these guys who wrote it. They wrote for the Simpsons. They wrote for married with children Jeff Martin and Kevin Kern really smart guys. Yes. And they wrote this hilarious pilot. We did it Jim Brewers in the pilot and I was in the pilot and a bunch other people that wound up doing doing a bunch of different movies and shit. And it was a funny pilot and then the network got a hold of it and they just fucked the shit out of it. And they threw in some really hacky producer who wound up getting fired like halfway through the six episodes that we did. And it was allegedly there was a bunch of other shit going on and the writing was off the charts bad. It was so I got to be like on a bad show. It's a terrible feeling. For a season? No, in the next six episodes. The first one was the pilot, which was really funny and then it just was like all of a sudden I was over here doing something that was terrible and you're better off doing nothing than doing something you hate. Yeah. That doesn't make any sense because you make money and ultimately it's worth doing. And ultimately for me, it was definitely worth something because I learned from the experience. Right. You can't just do a TV show. Right. You got to be sure. And even if you're sure like the pilot was really funny, I was pretty sure that that would be okay. It doesn't matter because a bunch of other factors can fall into place.

That's Jameson and whiskey and I just brought up. No, what were you trying to do and what went wrong? You know what my interviewer now? Listen to that. Give me the glass plug and some ice. I sounded like Matt Lauer. I was like, I do. I just went into interview mode as I got some ice.

Can I ask you a question? Sure. Okay. Outside of a television show. Yeah. If you were just sitting around and someone said Hannibal, I want you to just be your creative self. Would you ever gravitate towards writing sketches?

Yeah, definitely. I agree. There's there's some subjects that I've out of abandoned because they really did, I thought they were hilarious, but I couldn't, they just didn't, they weren't. They were a better idea for like a play than they would be for a stand up comedy. Yeah. But when we're coming up, everybody wanted to be on Saturday live because Eddie Murphy was on there everybody wanted to be on sketch comedy shows because that would lead to these big careers like you know Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider and all these people that became like these huge movie stars right So we all like gravitate towards acting and then there was sitcoms where Rosanne made all this money and then Seinfeld made all this money. He's like, oh shit, I gotta get a sitcom. But when I was on that bad sitcom halfway and I was like, this is not what I wanted to do. I fucked up. I listened to the, I wanted to stand up. Yeah. That's what I want to do. Now with a guy like you, like what I want to hear is you talk about everything. I don't want to hear, I mean, I want to hear you doing prepared shit. If that's what you want to do. Like what I would want to hear from you, if I was a producer and I was a network and I was comedy central, I would say ham, but listen, fuck all these executives, fuck all these producers. What do you think is funny? What do you want to do? I don't want to bunch of people filtering the Hannibal vision, but like when Doug Stan hope and I did the man show, which was the giant mistake, one of the big problems with that show was like, with Doug and I had a fucked up idea by the time it would get to it would be all watered down by the time we ever get to the television there's no way you could just have the only way to do that is like the internet the internet is the only way where you could just like if someone was smart they would come along and they would say listen if I was a common central I would say animal it's just like And we're just going to give you a production team and just come up with whatever the fuck you want to come up with. I want you to take six months. Just think about what you want to do. Because I know it's going to be funny. I think you're hilarious. I'll take six months. Come up with whatever the fuck you want to do. Let's put this shit online. Let's do this. Come on, Animal. And then if they wanted to make a television show out of that, I mean, that's what happened with Aresha Fearshow.

Yeah. And honestly, the online's better. It's better to get on the online. No. It's going online. It's there always. It's there any minute of any day. If it's just the TV version of it, I mean, once it goes online, then it becomes equals to the online version. Right. But there's no like loss in not having the TV version. Because if someone watches Comedy Central during a show when Ari's on, like, what is Ari's ratings? What does he get, like, a million dollars in episode? Are a million people in episode? A million dollars in episode. He'd be very happy. Crazy. But if he got a million people in episode, like you could easily, if you had a crazy viral video, like some of Joey Diaz's videos, they probably have close to a million, right? A company of joys, um, things on, uh, this is not happening, have more than a million. Find out what joy deas is stories on this has done happening how. I guarantee they have a million.

And they feel like they tell your friends. Yeah. Yeah. So, if you did that, and you had to show like that, there was just you, if you, if you really want to do a show, hmm, just you doing whatever the fuck you think is funny. I'd watch it. I'm gonna figure it out. Sure. I'll give you all the shit out of that show.

What is this? This is not happening. Joey Diaz, 1 million 129, 487 views. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah. I mean, that's like, that's real numbers, man. I mean, that's the same kind of numbers you get if you have a TV show. It's the same shit. Right? Definitely. It's real close, man. We're like maybe a year or two away from the idea of being on a television show, being no different than the idea being on a YouTube show.

For a lot of things.

It's smart. I mean, that's really the way to think about it because they have to be honest. This is a giant percentage of the people that are going to watch our show on YouTube. Or any other, I mean, I don't know how many people watch comedycentral.com. Do you know? I would imagine it's not nearly as much as YouTube. But what's amazing about YouTube is there's only one YouTube. Yeah. Like how is there not a million YouTube's? How is there not a million of these weird websites where you can just upload video anytime you want and watch the craziest shit all day long? I mean, there's live leak, right? What are the what are the other ones?

But they're not popular. Not way. Yeah. Well, because one popular one. If you say it's about Google ball you too.

And how much is Kanye's entire sneaker line worth? If you sold every sneaker. Is that a hundred million?

That's probably pretty close. Yeah. That's amazing. That's how much they paid for that for YouTube. YouTube is a monster. Yeah. It's somehow or another in this world of the internet. where there's probably like what? How many hundreds of millions of websites?

It's a joke. It's a joke. It's a joke. It's a joke. It's a joke. It's a joke. It's a joke. It's a joke.

Oh, so that's why the only one YouTube It's fucking tough to be used to. That makes sense. It's amazing though. I mean, if you want to talk about an incredible example of success, like YouTube is the only video upstream place that everybody or upload place that everybody recognizes instantly in the sea of this episode is brought to you by simply safe. No one deserves to feel unsafe in their own home. Get a peace of mind with simply safe. It's advanced home security that puts you first. And these guys are some of the best in the business. They were named US News and world reports best home security system for five years running. And I think part of that is because simply safe has some of the most advanced systems out there with 24-7 professional monitoring and low upfront costs. Believe it or not, they have monitoring plans for less than a dollar a day. Picture this. You've been traveling for days. You come home to see your house has been broken into everything's a mess. They took off a lot of your valuables, and now your home doesn't feel as secure as it did before. With simply safe, that might have been avoided. Their systems and agents could have helped stop the crime in real time. Using this smart alarm, wireless indoor camera, they could have seen, spoken to, and even deterred the burglars while sending the police. and you get to go on with your life knowing that simply save has you covered. It's time to get the protection that you deserve. Try out simply save today, risk free. Right now, the listeners of this podcast can get an exclusive 20% discount on a new system with fast-protect monitoring. Just go to simply save.com slash rogan. That's simply save.com slash rogan. There's no save like simply save. This episode is brought to you by Dr. Squatch. I'm going to let you in on a secret. If you want to be more confident, you have to start taking care of yourself.

I mean, they put up ads, but I don't have anything to do with it. Yeah. Um, we do just ads on this show. And then we upload the difference between the YouTube version of this show and the podcast version. The podcast version has, um, they has, uh, ads that we read, you know, like from a promo email thing, and then the YouTube one has no ads. It just goes up and then whatever ads YouTube ads have it.

Good. Yeah, it's not going to help the drunk too much. Maybe it'll help you formulate sentences. Meanwhile, the word formulate came out very calmly.

Why not? Reactionary. I don't know. You should go. I took it.

Is that common?

The movie was more important than the motherland, but let me ask you this. Honestly, if the girl was going to go with you, you knew you're going to get your freak on. Would you have taken the gig over the movie of you, or you have broken her heart and not taken her back to the motherland?

Another time. Yeah. Move. A gentleman. See? Not. It's over-bitch. Sorry. You missed it. I'm on Fast and the Furious 56. Fausy-Girl, I'll be so pissed. If I do broke my crazy trip to Israel for Fast and the Furious 56. To do three lines in it.

Fuck you. You get run over by a charger. That's a good move though, take her another time. But did you guys communicate afterwards? Did you settle down the issue that you never took her to Israel? I don't think so.

Again, let me bring this up. Recreational outrage. And let me pose a scenario. Here's a scenario. You two are living in a cave, okay? And a bear just ate her sister. And you guys saw it. And you escaped and you fought off the bear's friends with a spear. And you made to the bear's friends live in five hundred thousand years ago, Hannibal.

This is other bear. I don't think bears a friend with anything they can eat.

It's so sorry. You make a really good point. So managing to save this girl from being predated upon by these monsters, these giant monsters, you fight them off. And you get her up to a top cave. You carry her over your shoulders. Yeah. You layer down on the, with both kids. Unscathed. Yes, unscathed, but her sister's dead. and you you lay her down on the skins of a bear that you've also killed yourself with fucking spear and a separate situation. And separate situation. So this is all clean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's not going to complain about you not taking her. to the mother land, to Israel, when you guys were dating. Something to give a fuck. Because the stakes are much higher. You're a hero. You saved her physical entity. You've saved her soul from passing on to the next generation of doubt. This beyond land where no one knows what the fuck is really going on. You get glimpses if you take mushrooms. You stick your head and you pop it back and you never really quite chew on whether or not what you saw. Whatever you saw was real right then you would fucker on that fucking rug But meanwhile I don't think I fuck cuz he's my sister just died Yeah, you would you fucker you'd be happy she'd be happy for saving her life and yeah, maybe not her sister. How about a cousin? How about a cousin? It was kind of comfy. Yeah, her cousin. It was fat and big and she had giant ankles and she hated her whole life cuz she had shitty genetics So you got pink hair She likes to bully small boys. How about that girl?

Can you imagine if that was the case in the in the cave people community? There was this one girl's like cockbocker. She had rules. She's like, I can't fuck you because my friends tell we all have a role when we go back to room. We just we just can't do it.

Yeah. So sad. So sad people not being able to be themselves because they met so many people along the way that weren't themselves and they're like, God damn, I can't show you yet. Yeah. I can't take off my Kabuki mask and show you the soul of the eternal self.

I have a smoker joint. It's restaurant. This is a good story, I can tell.

Wait, she'd be playing like the super flies sound right.

She doesn't know yet that people will look at you weird if you're a waitress. That's what it is. She's a young person, doesn't understand. And if she's lucky, she meets a guy like Hannibal Burr. So who doesn't judge her for the fact that she's yours?

No, I can't say it. Why? Because we don't hang out enough. Well, if I was right next to you, I'd be like, dude, it was the same time. Let this shit go. Here's a fuck. Who gives a fuck? Do you miss her?

This is just the same Vegas.

Hmm, but you know me. That's very honest of you.

Right. That's really honest. Again, Kudos A plus A plus for handling that weirdness. Yeah, what do you do? I mean, maybe she wasn't into you at all. She might not be able to be just really funny.

A lot of time.

And that's a fine too, right?

I just really what you trying to get the pipe Holy shit and that girl blew him up. Yeah, go in game tonight dope Smiley face on my home. Look how weird is it? You could see him but her face is blurred out. Yeah, we should all be able to like see both parties if you want to put this up you can't hide in darkness We should be able to know who you are, too. That's a weird thing to do.

Just to see because I like that word, too. Awesome.

Right. I hear what you're saying. You're saying that you have sexual attraction to them. And you want to be sure if this shit goes any further, that this isn't just some weird celebrity thing.

They don't understand why they're even attracted to you. They just know they are. They know that they can't funny going on. They know that you're hilarious. They know that you're smart. It's fucked. They're drawn to you. They're confused. They can't believe they're in contact with a celebrity. I accept the DM. I know.

Bumble. What is your profiles we can get your lead?

I feel like we should have a commercial break. I don't know how to deal when yet. We can't splicing commercial. You know, I think it's hard being a groupie. It's just like it's hard being a handle of verse. It's hard. It's hard being a person. to find people in person. Navigating these waters.

Here's what's weird. People don't even know why they're attracted to certain people. They don't understand it. You know, and they try to quantify it. I think, uh, you know, there's some people that are attracted to people in weird ways, and they almost want to test the waters. I want to meet you Hannibal.

It could be that. But there are a lot of them, like, really young. You know, if a person's 24 years old, how much do they really understand completely about their motivations? Right. You know, or when someone's 22, you're doing a lot of time, but it's almost like on an instinct. And then you sort of self-correcting as you go along, you know? Yeah. Does that make any sense?

Drink. God damn it, we're drunk right now. I'm gonna say I'm drunk yet. Yeah. We're buzz, buzz. These are big gas drinks, I poured. Yeah. This is really not smart. Put this on the internet.

up and clipped up and clipped up and clipped up. We can handle this together. We're going to be pilot and co-pilot.

We're not what you are, dude. You're unfiltered. Everybody wants to be unfiltered, but nobody wants unfiltered. Yeah. It's not nobody wants unfiltered. But there's a lot of people that don't want unfiltered and they want you to think that nobody wants unfiltered. Yeah. Like you're not saying anything that I wouldn't expect you to say if we were alone and the microphones were off. Right. If you and I were hanging out the comedy store, we'd have the same conversation. I'd be laugh and exact same way.

Yeah. And it probably doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense outside. It doesn't make any sense at all. That's why it's like, I think like it's not their fault if someone's hanging around us. There's been situations like that before where someone is like weasel into a conversation between me or you or me. It was me and Diaz and some other dude the other night and his guy came up to us and just sandwich is way into a conversation in the kitchen yeah like how'd you get back here like why would come on man like but part of me part of me things like if I was that guy how would I do it right what do you do if you walk up you know you you you're at the college so are you're supposed to go left to take a leak and you go right and you're into the kitchen and Joey Diaz is talking to are you should fear and Hannibal and you guys are all hanging out and hilarious fucking stories of being told. And you just want to stand there and stare.

I would do it right now. I would do it right now. I would do it right now. Those guys hated me for some reason. Those guys wouldn't be my friends anymore. I'm like, I don't know what the fuck I did. But damn, I got to find a hole in this vent so I could listen to them talk.

And we should pal in Kevin Hart and how many days span between his stories.

It's not a break of advice. You think you're Dave? I think of the old stories, me, motherfucker.

And I was ready to fight the dude, but then his fight was there while this was all going on. I'd be like, where's the exit? I'm trying. Who's wearing clothes where I can't tell if they have a gun?

Yeah, I don't want you to mean man. From someone who's been interrupted by your eating, it is annoying. But I've always tried to try to figure out, like, okay, what is what's the difference between how weird it is for me to eat and put them up to me. That's better at that too. Yeah.

Listen man, I got a man crush on Anthony Bourdain. Every time I hang around with him, I feel goofy. This is just a fact. I just like him. I like the way things. I like his balls. I take up to Jitsu when he's 58 years old. And I think in certain situations, you have to understand the way you feel around someone is affected by your respect for them. And sometimes it gets weird. Like if a dude comes up to him, he's like, hey, Hannibal, if I get a picture. And you're like, I'm eating right now, man. Relax. And they don't even know what the fuck they're saying. You know, like, if I'm a Hannibal fan and I walk up, you gotta mouthful wings was just real quick. It was just take this picture. I got the fuck out of here. Yeah. I can't believe I took this chance. But I was like, I told him.

That's good. But you just said it's beautiful. I do more often now. So you're thinking about it.

You're right. I mean, it's one of the things about life. You never know who you're gonna run into. You can run into someone that's just goofy.

It's an interesting lens, not just for you, but also for me to look through what you're talking about, but for other people too as well. I think we're all doing this weird thing, man. We're all just surviving in this strange life that's temporary. If we're lucky, we get 100 years. If you're lucky, but the last few years. Super lucky. Super lucky. For the last few years, you're just hanging on. Yeah. Just hanging on, just waiting to get weary enough so you let go and slip into the abyss.

But it's not. It's not a hate when people like you say that.

Funny is fuck dude, you're not going anywhere. I hate when someone who's fucking pissed me off Jim Norton if you're listening to me you can't stop telling me stop, stop telling me you're worried about the few it's stop it you're fucking awesome. I hate when awesome people don't know they're awesome. You know, relax, bitch. But even Jim Norton, you're fucking amazing. It's hilarious. You have to, you know, have a goddamn thing to worry about. There's going to be people going to see Jim Norton for the end of time. And I'm one of them. And I feel the same way about you.

I love it. I do really intelligent Jewish gentleman who handle your money. Because you should be fucking stupid do it. That's what I do.

Well, if you're really into owning hotels and picking stocks, I understand me, I'm not into that.

Like what are you wearing? Like a vester?

So they track how crazy is that? They're tracking people from a satellite, how fast they're moving.

That is a really, you got super, super fortunate. That's like a crazy place.

I can't just text him.

Dude, you just blew catapult the fuck up. I like we just did

If I don't know what the fuck it is, explain it to me. What does it mean?

Now if I'm an idiot and I'm hearing that I'm okay. So you use a satellite to track the movement of Peter track in the performance like heart rate workload Yeah, sad speed. It's all done through like what an ankle bracelet like what do you put on them? I think that just how do you how do you know? What the exertion is is it a vest? Oh, it's a vest Is it? Okay, a little picture of it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, that's what you're showing me earlier. Oh, that's different. Okay, that makes sense. This dude just got like a chest harness, which I'm sure could measure, I don't know, like energy. What would it measure if it's How does someone in your chest measure what you're doing with your legs? Like how do those iPhone apps measure your strides and how many steps you take?

It's like a lot of the right word. But so it's not necessarily tracking you through GPS.

This one is, right? Isn't that the premise of this one?

Dude, that's a good question. They don't have a GPS at all. They're probably following them with like a tracer. Maybe a dude, it's his job to follow each person with, I mean, I would do that. But you know what, man, that statistic is interesting. And I support the chasing of the data, try to figure out how much someone will lose, but something more. It's not that important. It's weird. It's getting super specific because it doesn't necessarily, uh, it's, it's just statistic. It's interesting. It shouldn't dwell on it. So these dudes that are playing soccer, they monitor all that too. How much each team runs and all that shit?

Shout out to the dude from the Dallas Cowboys.

Charles. He hooked it up. He gave me a car to give Jamie. It's like I know Jamie's a football fan. It's making him have a grid iron.

There's new technology will be do there's gonna be virtual reality where you're gonna be able to like be Nick Diaz as he fights against Connor McGregor. You're gonna be able to look through each fighter's eyes. They're gonna figure out a way to do it. Imagine just a little chip. You just need it. What chip you got, Jamie? I got the S18. Oh, man. It should have waited for the 19. I know, I know, but I'm pretty happy with the 18. I mean, it doesn't take as much battery life. I got 360 degree capability. It's just low resolution. It's good.

It's a very good game. I had fun. So I can attest to it because I had to do the commentary for that game. When you hear that EA sports game, that's not commentary from actual fights. Right. That's commentary which is me doing pretend and going back doing pretend and do we did off. Fuckload of hours. Yeah, I mean it was hours and hours. Yeah, hours and it was over a long and I'm not complaining I'm just saying you have to be able to say so much stuff. And there's me man.

Yeah, I'm in the game. You have to have a I got to have a call. Yeah, like the Konami code. Oh I did this so I can get out of doing more commentary. Because there was so much to do, Tam, I wish I looked that good. There was so much to do. It was constant grind. But I put my full effort into it. I really wanted it to be good. I was thinking if I was a kid and I was playing this game, I would want it to sound like a guy really got ahead.

I want to see me get beat the fuck up. Just Jamie. Jamie shown a video of me about to get my ass kicked by Nick Diaz. Are you getting destroyed? Really fast? I would imagine if the game is realistic. Pull it up. Come on. Imagine I get fucked up.

They might have you. I got some bullshit skills.

I got, it doesn't matter. I got some broken windows.

It's called a sweep.

This should be illegal to watch and two people fake fight when you know one dude would beat the fuck out of me No, I said me So it's not leave any And he can fusion. Oh, this is so stupid. Oh, we're okay. Oh, he's on the finish.

He's out. Oh, shit. Yeah, wait, why didn't they let me punch him in the head when he was unconscious? Why don't they stop the fight quicker than that? The fake me, rather than the fake him. How did I feel? I was weird, but felt weird. You know what bothered me the most? The last two punches. Because it wasn't. He was already unconscious. the fake him. Do you know how hard Nick DS would fuck me up? Like this is an embarrassment to humanity. This is allowed to be a visual image of me beating Nick DS's ass.

That's what that's what it said escape. This is what I want to say. I want to see Nick Diaz versus Connor McGregor. That's what I want to say. I want to see that more than I want to see anything in life. I want to see more than I want to see the Aurora Borealis more than I want to go to the Cac Observatory in Hawaii and revisit the Milky Way more than I want to see any of those things. I want to see Nick Diaz versus Connor McGregor.

He was awesome.

Well, I mean, what he's trying to do is just like shake it off, put an air out there. But the end of the day, he's fighting Nate DS. No one's getting no first round knockout. Let's give him crazy war. He knew it. And then he had to be conservative in that fight.

He cornered through a bunch of really powerful left leg kicks and he had fucked up Nate's right leg because because the fact they're both south paw, what happens is like that back leg becomes the front leg. So the right leg is in front, right? And he's just getting chewed up with his left power leg kicks right from the beginning like over and over and over again. When you get hit with a bunch of really powerful leg kicks like that, it makes it super difficult for you to move. And then Connor just fought a smooth, smart game plan. He engaged from the outside where his speed was in advantage and did some damage, but didn't unload himself, like he did in the first fight. And the first fight he did that too, with any unloaded himself, and Nate survived, and when he survived, Connor's gas tank was emptying. So this time Connor was way more conservative.

But he'll run. You can say it. He ran away. He ran away. But when he was on the cake.

It's okay, you know people are mad that you ran away hook into where you move away because sometimes you take a break Yeah, sometimes you take a break. He knows there's three moments in the round He's got he knows there's I mean, I don't know when it was there was there was a couple moments in time where he totally turned away from him But then he engaged Yeah, he did it wasn't like he was running the whole he was just when he found himself

It's interesting. It's an interesting thing to do. You guys try to kick your ass like, I'm gonna go over here for a minute. It's something funny about it, you know? It's like the good move. It's the right move. When you don't feel like you can fight right now, what do you want to do?

Get in there. If you don't feel like you can breathe, maybe you should move away and breathe. Otherwise, some dude could punch you in the body and you can go down. It's like it's not a smart move to stand in there if you feel tired.

Because I sway less than you would think.

That is so stupid.

He's like one of the last women that you would ever want to fight at a gas station. You know, Ronda Rousey? She'd throw you any fucking head in the concrete. It's terrifying to have women like that out there. I think it just beat your ass out of both.

This Donald Seroni combination. God damn that's beautiful. I left right left high kick boom. Yeah. That is Matrix shit. Donald Seroni lives in the fucking Matrix. Do right now at 170. He's coming on the podcast next week, Jamie. He's here on next Tuesday. I'm going to fucking convince him live on the internet. Don't drop down from 170 and 170 is a fucking wizard. Who the hell stopped in Rick's story like this? I don't know. It's a fucking wizard. He's a wizard at 170.

I was in there with him. I was in there with him. I was in there with him.

We don't want it. We think it's so many told me I have to research it. Please do. Was that the fastest knockout in the history of the light heavyweight division? It was 13 seconds or something.

That happened so fast. He hit so hard. He'd have been so quick. When Glovers started pressuring him, like when I score a fight or rather a commentator fight, when I watched something like that, I'm like, okay, what can Glover do and what can rumble to it? We know rumble has awesome stand-up skills. We know we had a college wrestling background. We know he's really powerful. And he's probably the hardest hit or ever. So what can Glover do? He's really technical. He can survive a storm. Maybe he could take him down. Maybe he can get him into deep water. So he starts out super aggressive Bob and we even tighten style. And the one haymaker. One haymaker uppercut. So third Ryan Jimmo third is wow seven seconds got damn Ryan Jimmo Rest in peace Ryan Jimmo he just died recently run over by a car Canada James Irvin sandman eight seconds who do you fight and then John's

There's literally a 30 second because he's so scary right now he's so scary he hits guys in a totally different way it's like he knows something that nobody knows about how to hit people because this dude what was that guy's record that he fought 25 or four he's now exander eight seconds well what was the guy Johnson fought record was it 25 like he was a elite

Oh, Glover is beyond elite. Glover's fought for the title. Yeah. He had a five round fight with John Jones went to the distance. Yeah.

You know what it is, man? There's the human frame. You know, like the skull, the brain, the neck, can only take so much. It just can only take so much. And most people can't hit that bell. You know that bell when you go to the carnival and you slam down on that bell, the little thing goes up and thing. Most people can't make that thing ding in this world. For Rumble Johnson, he can make that thing ding every time with his opening barrage. With his first name, the number, 200 punches and kicks, whatever it is. He can knock you the fuck out. the question with a guy like that is, if he gets past that 200 number and the opponent is still there, can he make it through it? And that's what happened in the Kormie fight. It's like rumble hit Kormie with everything but the kitchen sink, but Kormie is so fucking tough. He's so tough from being a world-class Olympic wrestler from a guy who competed over the world. He's just got this, this is like a level of toughness that you can't recreate. And he takes a bit of bomb but figures out how to scramble and survive. So he makes it into, what Brown did for me a submit rumble? See, the thing about a guy like Rumble though is you could submit him once, but once he figures out what you did, and he remembers how much it sucked when you did that to him. Can you do it again? And if you can't do it again, what if he can figure out how to keep it standing? Yeah. What if he could figure out how to keep hitting you with those barrages of heavy bones coming, flying at you with perfect technique? He had so fucking hard, man. What? Third round? Well, Kormie took him to the deep water, man. What is Kormie such a bad motherfucker? Like, where does that come from?

Totally objectively. Everybody has a ceiling. You can't pass that ceiling. You see certain people that have certain frames, like maybe they have really narrow shoulders and really small hands and a really small waist. They can't generate the same kind of power that a guy like Rumble Johnson can. Or there's a lot of other guys. They're a guy like Rampage Jackson can. Or a guy like George St. Pierre can. There's a certain like physics. Yeah. It'll be your Latifay. You ever see that guy fight? No, pull this motherfucker up. I think he's fighting Ryan Bader. I say motherfucker with all due respects are he's just Tank of a wrestler. Yeah, you look at that guy's frame and he just bombs on dudes and knocks him unconscious, but you look at his frame when he's throwing punches and just go, okay, this is like this is there's levels of athletes, right? There's levels of wrestlers, there's levels of strikers and when you see certain dudes the way they can move their body. Like you ever watch Cirque du Soleil? Yeah. You've seen it live? I've seen it live, so it's a picture. It's amazing. You feel like how the fuck do they do that with their body? Right. You immediately start feeling inadequate with your body. I can't know.

Oh, that's beautiful. See me. I'm retarded. I want to figure out how to do a handstand with one hand. I'm going to check above me with one hand. So this is okay.

So he's a light heavyweight or heavyweight. Light heavyweight, 205. Okay. So the point being that a gentleman like you.

He weighs 205 for about 13 minutes. That probably goes back up to whatever it is before he starts his cut. But my point being, like, just like, look at the size of that motherfucker. Yeah. I mean, Jesus Christ, look at that dude. He's a tank. There's limitations of the human frame, and that guy has a different bone structure than Dougie Houser. You know, there's just no denying it. Or, you know, that's a bad example. But, you know, there's a lot of guys that are his size that just don't have the kind of advantages that he has bone structure wise. Yeah. Physically, like what he can do. There's like a certain amount of horsepower, a certain guy's half, and you watch them fight you. Look at that guy. It's a fucking tank of a man, Brock Lesnar. Perfect example. Guys, takes off. How many years did he take off? Like five years, at least six years at least. He fights Mark Hunt. Royes are no Royes. Whatever the fuck he tested positive for, or anti-estrogen blockers, or whatever he tests, forget about all that. The fact that this guy was able to fight Mark fucking Hunt after five or six years of no fighting, just doing pro wrestling, and then win. That's insane.

No, it's not a screw. No, it's not a screw. No, it's not a screw.

What Brock Lesnar did in taking down amount of time off and then beating a guy like Mark Hunt, that's so extraordinary. And he's probably never gonna get the credit that he deserves because the fact that one, he was a pro wrestler and then two, he tested positive for this anti-astrogen blocker. Whatever the fuck he took, I don't know what happened. Who knows, it could have been a, it could have been easily been some performance enhancing formula that he bought from GNC or it could have been something more insidious. Whatever the fuck it was. The fact that this guy was able to beat Mark Hunt after all those that time off, just shows you what an amazing athlete he really is. There's no way in hell that certain guys are gonna catch up to that guy. If that guy just keeps working out, like there's guys that like, if they just keep working out and they stay healthy and they stay fit and they get into the cage, healthy and fit with no injuries, which is like the primary that's like, yeah, it's just like you. There's certain guys that you're in a world of shit. If you get a guy like Brock Lesnar into the ring with you and he's not hurt and he's in great shape and he has no injuries. You're in a world of shit. You're standing in front of a goliath of a man. A guy who has to struggle to die it down 265 pounds.

He's making his UFC debut. But I have to respect that. He did a lot of things the right way. He went to Duke Rufus's camp in Minneapolis. Yeah. I mean, walk you rather. Excuse me. Did you go to have a car right now?

Yeah, there's a lot. No, no. He went to Milwaukee because that's where Duke is. What he did was he went to one of the best gyms in the world. Rufus sport. Dick. His brother, this Rick Rufus, who was like a world champion kickboxer that used to be on PKK karate. And then there's Duke Rufus, Duke Rufus is a world champion, Moly Ty fighter. And he's produced like a ton of world class fighters, like Anthony Pettis, Sergio Pettis, Tyron Woodley does this tracking down there. He's a new UFC welterweight champion. So Duke Rufus is just like a really high level camp. And that's where CM Punk chose to move his camp. And he lived there for like two years. It always been doing his training. He signed with UFC and he just said, I'm going to do this the right way. He went through a full, like a long period of training, learning skills, and working under the two religious, like one of the best guys in the world. Who the fuck knows what's going to happen? We really don't know. I mean, I have no idea what this guy can do. I've seen him hit some pads. I've seen some slow motion, weird, blurry videos of him sparring. I don't know. I mean, they might be trying to shield it for promotional purposes. I mean, he might have gotten really good. He might be like, I mean, if the guy's willing to do that, that's an extraordinary amount of discipline that it takes to move to a place, change your life, live there for two years, just nothing but train. I mean, who the fuck knows? But that's the big, the big statement is who the fuck knows. So if you go to watch him fight, it's like you're tuned in for essentially like a spectacle. Right. And it might be great. And it might, we have to see. Yeah. He doesn't even know.

We don't know. No one knows. Yeah. We know what the fuck's going to happen.

Dude, there's a big difference. There's a big difference between training and reality. And maybe he excels. There's people who excel at reality, where they look lackluster and training, and then they rise to the occasion of the event. And then there's other people that are exact opposite.

Yeah, the anxiety of performance is real, right?

What is his?

Man, it's a good question. He's the only one that can answer him or him or anyone else has experienced that. Right. Because you're talking about, you know, at this new T-bobile, how many people is it seat? I think the T-Mobile is like 22,000. It's a big ass place. It's way bigger than the MGM. I don't know about how much, at least a few thousand. Because it's like, what is it, Jamie? Does it say?

Maybe it fires you. How many, 20?

Oh wow. That's so many. That's a lot of fucking people. So that's approximately 5,000 more than the MGM. Is the MGM about 15,000 somewhere around there? I think. Is that what he remembered?

I don't know. You know, I just think they could sell this out too.

16. Oh Jesus. The MGM is that big? Wow. Oh, so is it Mandalay Bay that's 15? Is that what it is? Or is that 14? What am I asking? What am I a fucking census taker? Stop answering my questions. Book an agent. What is it? 12,000. Oh shit. Manly based only 12,000. Interesting. So I guess the reason why they moved is just UFC could sell out those places now, especially for this fight. This fight was gone damn, but man. That was amazing. You could, you could have stuck a light bulb in your mouth and it would have started glowing, right? It was electricity in the air. It was going through our fingertips. It was, it was crazy man. It was a good time. That's why I decided to keep working for the UFC. It's moments like that. The Nate Diaz kind of a gregar fight. The first one is one of the, and then me should take Holly home fight. Yeah. Me should choke Holly home on conscious and the fifth round. It was fucking chaos. I remember thinking, how could I stop doing this? How could I, I can't believe I even got this job in the first place? I get to watch this crazy shit and talk about it from So when they bought it, it wasn't sure. I just was thinking that I was doing too many things. And then I decided, well, instead of just being crazy, I want to just do less. I'm just going to do less. And then doing less, it's made up big difference. Vape pen use after you have to.

That is fucking use of faith. Folks, relax. That amuse of faith. You should let him use it immediately after it. Just let's be scientific about this. We all want everybody to be on the same page. We don't want people cheating. You know if this guy, you watched him fight five fucking rounds. There's no more contest coming up. Let him do something that's medically proven to reduce inflammation. It's not even marijuana. It's CBD oil.

Yeah, it was exactly. Especially when you have insulation. Yeah, exactly.

That's a really good point, man. That is a really good point, because for someone to be that hypocritical, the oletta guy gets punched in the head for 25 fucking minutes, but you won't let him smuck a vape pen, because what you think is cheating, Yeah. It's cheating death. That's what he's doing. Same thing with football.

Yeah. Football is probably worse for you than most stuff drinking out of ponds. For Paul's fucking dangerous. Yeah, it's super dangerous, man.

I love the word hell of it. I'm too old to use it. I just turned 49. That's what the cut off. Just do it, man.

Hannibal's good friend, you know, you pump him up, he pumps you up.

Hmm. And you can find somebody. If you don't know somebody.

How is he supposed to have a LinkedIn page? It's like super rare.

Yeah, it's going to be hard because you're going to have to take a gamble at whether or not she's still working there, whether or not you know what day her shifts are on Saturday Sunday.

I say go back.

Go back in a Zen way. Yeah, yeah, you're like completely empty. It'll back and experience like sitting in her section. And you know, just saying hi. Yeah, seeing what's up. But don't, don't be like crazy about it. I won't be crazy about it.

It's a strange place. I was just in this area outside of Reno. It's we were about five hours outside of Reno. We were camping and doing this hunting show and it's all in like the mountains and the desert above Nevada. It's somewhere in the area of where they do that whole burning man thing. Okay. Dude, it was amazing. It's me and a bunch of, there's camera people in this guy, Steve Ronaldo, who's just show the media, we struck out, but we were out there in the, these mountains above Nevada, dude. There's a whole other world out there. It doesn't even look real. It doesn't look real. You go to this place, there's no people. It's just giant fucking mountains. They go up to like, we were at 9,000 feet. There's other ones that go up to 11,000 feet. And you look at it these things. It's like, what the fuck? This is Nevada. This is Nevada. This is fucking, that's a picture from my Instagram. That's, that's Nevada, dude. That's the Nevada desert. That's the, what's called the, the high desert. Like I said, about five hours outside of Reno. It was amazing.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I understand. I understand.

I could get antsy too. I think what I'm trying to do, one of the things I'm trying to do by going to these places and disconnecting for a few days, is find out what I really think about things. We're just me and my thoughts and interacting with my friends. There's one of the good things about doing this show. It's called Meteor, this guy Steve Renella, who's the host of it, is a really smart, really nice guy, a really interesting guy. And you know, I like hanging out with him and all of his crew and his friends for like all these days. It's really fun. So when doing that and having it be in really fun, you get to relax. Yeah. And you get to just like sit back and hang out with these like fun cool guys and just relax. And this is your world now. This is your tribe. Right. You know, and he told me that before that sort of how he views it, that it's his tribe and a cool group of friends. Yeah, and that now I understand it now. It's like it's I think that disconnecting for a while every now and then just take take a few days off just you don't even have to go anywhere, but it's it's probably a good idea to to like on purpose take a few days off of anything coming in. Just let's see how you feel about things even if I'm out in the bout

It's a really important point.

We're talking roofies, right? You're on the same page?

Not what are your faces to see with imagination. What are your faces? If you're been hypnotized? No, it can be done.

Have you ever seen a comedy hipnits? Have you ever seen it live? Yeah. It's crazy, right? I can't believe it's real.

Yeah, you don't believe it's real. And then you realize, oh, it is real.

It works in some weird way. I don't understand it. But I got hypnotized. It's got Vinny Shormon. He's like a mental coach. You hypnotized me? To do it. Virgins to go. Just wanted to see if there was anything that was holding back the way I was thinking. My thinking in the most efficient and logical way and my doing the most with my time and my not like do I have any hiccups that I'm not paying attention to in the way I'm approaching life. So I wanted to talk to him about that. So I wanted to see what hypnotism really is, because I've been talking about something that I essentially don't have any really on real understanding of. I just say, oh, I saw people get hypnotized at a Frank Santos comedy show and I saw that. How do I know? You know, I found this dude, he does a hypnotism and mental coaching for MMA fighters. Okay. So what was interesting man was weird. It was like, When you get hypnotized, how long is it sessions? It's about an hour and a half, about an hour and a half. When you get hypnotized, you are aware that this person is talking to you. It's not like you're in some space world, but the world that you're living in with your eyes closed in this state is a very different world. It's like if this person can command your attention, your focus for a certain amount of time, it lets all this other stuff sort of pass by. And when the person does it with no judgment, just trying to understand the way you're feeling and thinking, you allow yourself to slip in to this strange state of mind. Yeah. And that's what it is. It's really weird. Like you're to wake up immediately. Like if if you heard like an alarm going off like. Yeah. It's not like you're drugged. But it's, uh, I think there's a bunch of different states of consciousness leading from the dream world, which we all voluntarily go into every night when we go to sleep. We go to sleep, we can't go out and we have dreams. We remember them. Remember them? Remember them all the time. We, you know, you have some wacky fucking idea that came into your head that didn't make any sense. And I think there's states of consciousness from being totally awake for your life, because you're in the middle of an earthquake, too, being like drifting in and out of dreams. You know, or you're not sure you're there, or you're not there, and you wake up like, what's that real? What the fuck are you having? You know, you're sitting in your car, maybe at a road stop, you got a six hour drive, you're like, let me just pull over for an hour. You're drifting in, not sure if you're asleep.

Well, your brain can make all kinds of funky chemicals, man. and they don't necessarily exactly know why. It's not like there's a bunch of different things that you can do to make your brain produce certain chemicals. like in a row, like as far as like maybe you can skip rope for 20 minutes and do 50 deep breathing exercises and you'll get into a psychedelic state. No one's exactly sure what the fuck it is that allows people to get to certain states and whether or not like the way your brain works. Is it the same as my brain? Definitely. It doesn't make any sense. Why would it be? Yeah, like we all know like I hear people sing. I can't fucking sing at all. I hear people sing and I hear like a beautiful voice like we're walking by some people the other night in Vegas. We were on a way to go eat after the fights and then there was this guy in this girl they were singing they must have been a part of some team or something. They must have been some entertainers because they were way too good. And they were singing, and they were singing with each other, and they were singing with each other in harmony in this hallway. And everybody was like, holy shit. Because they just had a sound.

Man, you're really talented. How long have you been rapping? What's your time? I mean, how long have you been rapping, man?

Do you play this in the car all the time and just listen to yourself all the time?

Yeah, how loud he playing this shit.

I feel you do it. It's your car. Yeah, man.

Oh, wait a minute. You can say one or two. One or two? You're going to be involved in a serious conversation. But this is a song that I made right after my grandma's die. No. It's like, you know, I was hanging out and I was like, fuck this life. So I wrote this song.

Let me ask you this. What if a guy plays you these two songs and they're awesome? And you're like, Holy shit. This is really good. Yeah, then what do I do?

Hey, plus again.

Is there an interesting thing? Yeah. There's not a lot of things like that. Like movies definitely aren't like that. Comedy definitely isn't like that. No. But there's something about songs where... Some stuff with comedy though.

Well, that's what Dice Clay's career was kind of built on. So people wanted to hear the same things over and over again. What's in the bow, bitch? Oh, the whole audience would be screaming it. It was like one of the first times where it was affirmed, right?

100 Thompson used to do that. When he used to write, he's to listen to the same song. Like, candle in the wind. He used to like, Elton John, candle in the wind. There's a video of him doing that. He's sitting in front of the typewriter. And he's just writing in the same song's playing over and over again on the loop. I've tried it before too. Yeah. I flew from New York to L.A. writing the entire way, listening to Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne. Okay. Well, it was just, I don't know. I was like in a groove.

I don't remember what I came up with, but I remember feeling like because this song, I knew with a lyrics were, it almost became like a sort of hypnosis. Yeah. It was the same version as the song. Five hours of the same lyrics over and over and over and over. The whole five hours, right? The whole five hours. I just listened to Crazy Train and I typed, had some coffee, took a leak, which I gotta do right now. Bad. That's my second podcast in a row. I want to keep going with you, but I got to piss so bad. See you soon. Ask some questions to animal.

I started getting weird. He didn't get weird.

I got weird. My voice changed so bad. Two podcasts is just no bueno.

No, it totally changed. Top 40 DJ.

It's just because you love, I was like, oh, shit. Pardon me, take that as a compliment that you're so comfortable. You could be yourself when you're here.

I could have given $800 of my $800 podcast. I could have $800 a lot. That's more than I think it's like, what is this one?

That's good move. That's the right move. I plug tour dates. People need to see you anyway. And it's Hannibal Montanable.

and if they just Google Hannibal Montanable.

We could take like a video of your day. You do a story.

And you like, we could work this out. No, no. No, a little ridiculous cartoon tiny waste in it. And then, an ass like a fucking box of chocolates. I'm heart-shaped Valentine's Day box of chocolate. I'm like, what kind of an ass is that? Jesus Christ. Just not fair.

And she's good recently. And she's cool. She's like sensible. She's like, Hannibal, I don't give a fuck, baby. I don't give a fuck. I'm not here for a long time. I'm here for a good time. I mean, you're like, let's do this. What are you talking about?

He's on my mind, boy.

He's on my mind, boy. Yeah. Well, it's weird. See, the idea people working alongside each other day and day out men and women all grouped together in these boxes is entirely unnatural. When people would be around each other in the wild, they would do it because they liked each other.

Yeah, my obsession is in the genetic divinity that we have inherited from these people. And I think that in the wild men and women never like grouped up together, they didn't like each other. Right. But in work they do and it creates this weird tension where men have proved themselves and women are trying to prove themselves. There was no group on back then.

Like back then, you just decided you're gonna hang out with certain people. And the other ones were killed. Yeah. Right? Yeah, it was no weight in it out. No, it's no weight in it. No, it's no weight in it. No, it's no weight in it. No, it's no weight in it. No, it's no weight in it. No, it's no weight in it.

Climbed on top of his neck and took out a conkshell.

Over the cliffs, the people in the fucking boats, they let their torches up.

Damn, that should be another meme. This trick shot pool players did get hell of a pussy. There's a world for everybody, man. Oh, there is, for sure. Well, there was always like, uh, pool player groupies that would, uh, girls who were really good at pool that would date dudes that were really good at pool. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've got, but dudes that were really good at pool. That's right.

Oh, talk about that.

Let's do a gig together tell me when man Let's let's find a start with hop-in.

This is man. I would be very happy to do a gig with you. We have a lot of time a lot of good times. Yeah, you know man. It's a One of the crazy things about the comedy store is that we all get to hang out together, where we never would really work together that much in real life. If you go on the road, you take a dude with you to open. Everywhere we go, we take people with us to open, or we have a local guy that we know, we have come on. We never get to be all together. You can go to the comedy store any night. It'd be like, you and Diaz and Burr and Arias. There's nothing, no place like that, Matt.

Yeah. They gotta keep it in that fucking room, too. Yeah. Fight it off. Just fight it off. No matter what they say about that main room, don't go in there.

That changed my mind. I like it better now. I think this dude Madison Square fucking garden.

That was like a motivational speech for expanding your theater side. Yeah. It was really strong.

Yeah, no, I completely agree. All jokes aside. I mean, I think what they've managed to do by getting that show in the air is pretty monumental because this is a goddamn brutal show, right? Yeah. What's the, they have a web page? Pull up the Comedy Central web page for that show? Are they going to do a bunch of them?

Can we see it? Yeah. Can I see what the page looks like? Who's the champion? Mark Lawrence. Mark Lawrence. You know Mike? Um, yeah. I know him from the store. I've seen him around.

Now how many different hosts are they going to have? What are they going to do for?

Brian Moses. Brian Moses. Who's awesome? Yeah. By the way, Brian Moses. I'm so happy for that dude. He's such a good dude. So they're not going to fuck with it. So it's going to basically be in the same state that it's always been in. It's a lot of racist. They can't have the racist. See, here's my only feeling. This is my only feeling. I don't have a problem with them doing. I don't have a problem with anything. But I wouldn't suggest them filming those shows. I would suggest them doing those shows and filming the fucking rally room shows. There is a world in that room when someone's killing, like when Earl Skagel came out for that roast battle thing and just destroyed. Remember that night, he came out with a fur coat on. Do you see that on a common central? do they filmed it and it was it was magic because there's 90 people in there and it's much like scar sardines it's packed it's a vibe in there you you everything has to be in line when you're killing you know there's like a there's a frequency you have to hit and Earl was just on that frequency yeah and when you see someone do something like that a small room you realize that's the value of the small room yeah when a small room is it here's that yeah yeah Yes, this is a video of those guys, but when you're in a small there's a girl when you're in a small room like that and you just let it all hang out There's a weird fucking energy that there's a weird connection to that. It's different than anything else, and it's way different than a big place like a big place is nice It's beautiful to be there. It's cool to be a part of like 10,000 people came to see Rose Battle. Yay. But the best show is that 90-seat belly room or 80-seat.

They just found the eighth ever, Tyranosaurus Rex skull in Montana. That's right up there with that. So people find shit sometimes. And like, why has no one found this skull? They just didn't. Okay. No one saw that combination of words. That's perfect. Meanwhile, there's some dude right now in the Midwest, screaming.

Going crazy. Somebody might have come up with that and we don't even know. We just never heard it. They might be an open micro. Somebody come up with it three solid weeks ago. They might have put it on YouTube. We might be fucked. Yeah. These days, man. I saw a bunch of Ryan Locktee jokes. Yeah. Does that do his name? That's the same joke. Over and over and over again.

Yeah. About any him lying? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like there's now would be a good time to rob him. Like I saw that like for like everybody. Everybody would think that.

Sure, I'm a pitchman.

I like it that this celebrated because I wish like walkers would be celebrated. I wish we could figure out what is walking and who can walk the fastest? Yeah. Who's the fastest walker? Who can celebrate it all? Stay alive. Who's swimming? We can have a holder breather Olympics where people hold their breath the longest. Let's do that too.

Okay, for the people who are just listening, regular is your throwing your arm over the head, like you're seeing.

That's a good point. Here's what the good point. Someone shut themselves up.

Who said one of the Walker shit themselves?

Hmm, sorry mate. Wait, here's the point. Like why? Too many strokes. Why limit the way you move? Like, if you're gonna swim, like, why do you have to swim in a very specific way? If this breaststroke thing was so fucking good, wouldn't it be the fastest way to do this? Why would we go? Let's pretend. Let's pretend. This is the only shitty way we know how to swim. Let's just fucking throw our arms in front of ourselves, like we're part in the curtains, like those beads at the porno section of the video store before there were DVRs and DVDs. And you, porn!

From now on, we should call that, that move the porn section. That is you partying the beads that are hanging I bet when they fucking when when video games went under or excuse me Videos video rentals went under I bet the bead industry drops substantially I bet a big part of their profits was beating off the porn sections I'm dating myself here, but you guys don't even understand you guys are both youngins what I was a boy what I was boy You can rent videos. You can rent videos. And you can rent porn videos. That's what I'm going to go to the bathroom.

What I was kid. Hamburger Burris. Candle is bladder, I guess. I hung in there, folks. I did my best. But Louis threw, doing that podcast with him for three hours and then I had some water, like an asshole in between. Couldn't hang in there, folks. I'm so sorry. What would we just talking about, Jamie? Were you paying attention? What? What? Oh, God damn it, James. Olympics. Olympics? Swimming?

Well, limiting your movements. Is it ridiculous? Like the idea that someone's gonna say, okay, you can swim, but you can't swim at your best. Swimming's some goofy way. It's not efficient. Go ahead, try that. Because if somebody could just do breaststroke only versus a freestyle swimmer, they would never win, right? No way, right?

Well, I'm a super big fan of curling. So I'm gonna tell you to fuck off right now. You ever watched that?

I was in I think it was Newfoundland, Newfoundland, Newfoundland. for a gig? Yeah. Yeah. Great time. Nice people. When? Long time ago. Yeah, no. Yeah, you don't play nymphalina. I'll go back. You're not your favorite. I would totally do it. I would totally do it. Oh, why have you done it to do weird shit? This is, this is it. It's been there. It's only a certain amount of time. You haven't asked your agent since the end of the year. It's been filled up very quickly with metropolis areas.

Well, you have seen Nufan. Point being, I tried erroneously to make fun of curling. Wow, I was in Newfoundland. That's the whole way to the States. Always the place we were at, how do all these photos of people curling? So they do with the broom, and they do it with the fucking hockey, the giant, and the steroid it out, hockey puck. They're sliding across the ground. It's so good.

Oh, come on. Oh, they loved it. They loved their curling. So you know? Yeah, I don't understand it, but I guess I don't have to.

And we should go to new for a while. You watch it for like an hour or so. You kind of get compelled. Like who the fuck's going to win this thing?

That's a book of gigs on Facebook. Let's do it. Let's do new fun. Okay. I'm in. But you know your black right.

This candidate. Are they the nicest people on the earth or is it like Swedish people? If you're going to Sweden?

Right. And that's like, well, I was talking about this recently, that like try to imagine the fact that 1865 when slavery was abolished was less than 200 years ago. Try to imagine what 200 years is because it's only two lifetimes. Yeah. Two people being alive from birth to death. That's 200 years.

Yeah, very healthy, very lucky people. I mean, so they're stuck in this.

Yeah, if you're super lucky, and that is only a short amount of time ago. And no one understands that today. We can intellectualize it. We can think about it. We can put it into our heads and try to figure it out. No one can figure that out today. And there's a lot of those areas of the country that are just poisoned by those old stupid ideas. There's just stuck in there, man. Yeah. In areas of the world, there's a lot of weird areas of the world that are just poisoned by old stupid ideas.

Newfoundling, good. Let's do another one somewhere else, like Saskatchewan. Saskatchewan, what do you mean? I do Saskatchewan January when I get crazy.

Dude, the rivercree in Edmonton, the casino, that is fantastic. That is a fun man. That's a fun fucking place. I like Edmonton man. They're good fucking people. They're just stuck. some weird spot that's like really cold for like four months a year. But it's not an oil money, right?

Well, they're Canadian too. There's something about Canadians, like their culture does not support this like the world domination idea that United States sort of has ingrained in us, where the police of the world, for good or for bad, right? It's a lot of people think it's just so bad. Mostly bad. Yeah, right. But the Canadians don't have this.

Yeah. Yeah, they're just people. And there's a real value in that. But there's also like this idea that the only way Canada would exist is if the United States is below it, protecting it, because this is, we're such a fucking gangster country. Yeah, right? So that's the idea that I think makes total sense if you're looking at it objectively. But God damn it makes for some nice folks, because Canada, they're like, I think maybe my all-time favorite people, anywhere. I think the nicest people.

You know what you got to do in Toronto? What's time you there? You got to do the weed chop? What's that weed chop?

They have a front room where they sell bongs and like rolling papers and shit and then you go in the back room and the back room It doesn't have any air. It's all just pot smoke. You breathe in in pot smoke. There's no air. There's no air left. The candles is candles on the table. They're all running on pot smoke and promises. There's no fucking air in that room, man. It's all just pot smoke and you get high before you go on stage and then you go on stage and then it's preposterous. Everybody is in a goddamn coma. It is a strangest comedy show you've ever done. Nobody wants that for me. This is what you need. Do you regular show first? Yeah. And then head over to that place around 12 30 a.m.

We need to hang out more. Sure. Definitely. But in these two CAC capsules, I'm gonna hold your hand figuratively.

Do you know the difference between eating it and smoking it?

There's a chemical difference. It's like smoke at its THC. You eat it that what the compound of the marijuana is processed by your liver produces something called 11 high-droxy metabolite. Okay. It's way more psychoactive. It's like four to five times more psychoactive than THC. So you're talking about the capsules? No, I'm talking about anytime you eat it. Eat it. I don't like animals. If you're taking a capsule, you're eating that. You know what I'm saying? But it doesn't matter. It's like if it goes through your digestive tract and it's processed by your liver, it takes a little bit about an hour or so depending upon the dosage and how strong it is, and you know, whether you have a full stomach, I guess probably probably has something to do with it. But when it's processed by your liver, it produces this weird psychodelic drug. It's very different than just regular pops.

Do you know how many milligrams are in those capsules?

Oh, that's good. That's a really reasonable dose. Yeah. And that's the good news about marijuana like medical marijuana going nationwide, as you can take a reasonable dose, like 10 milligrams and it's therapeutic for your body. Feels good. You relax. Nobody gets hurt.

Dude, we'll hook you up. Relax. Don't say anymore. You're gonna get catfish by a cop. Yeah, they're gonna, they're gonna. You do, bro. I thought it was one fucking thing. You're gonna be fake cops, bro.

That's good for it. It's good for it. It's good for it.

Wow. Can't believe you say that. What on earth? That really hurts.

Thinking about my mom right now.

One team of the asshole, two fingers in the pussy. Grabbing like a fucking bowling ball now. But a model chick.

It's good point. Yeah, they just, they want to test the waters. A handle burst ain't playing games, ladies. Okay. Unless you're ready to go to Defcon 4.

Me too. What?

What age? When you have your third or fourth hotel?

Two, three years.

You're looking at her beautiful.

You calculating the potential for future joy being with that person with perfect bone structure. You won't let me take a chance and put your whole life in the ocean.

Hey baby, you okay? That's what I was saying. I'm okay. What would you say? I'm her. You're good. I'm looking down. I'm just shaking my hand. I'm just like, every now and then I just go like this. My hands. She's on the unit right? I won the train. Hey, good. I'll do it. I know I look good. See, this is a thing.

Dude. I'm not asking for real life. This isn't law in order. I know. This is like. Come on. All right. Okay. I'm the girl ready.

And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, this podcast is a wrap. Hannibal Montenible Toro. Go to Hannibal Burris on Twitter. Hannibal Burris.com.

We're going to make this shit happen. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. That was a lot of fun. This episode is brought to you by Dr. Squatch. I'm going to let you in on a secret. If you want to be more confident, you have to start taking care of yourself.