Transcript for Benevolent! A Non-Canon Malevolent Christmas Special

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Ladies, gentlemen and non-binary friends, welcome to Arthur and John's Bonnevolent. A non-canon, malevolent, Christmas special. Starring Arthur Lester and John. Oh, right in the middle. Just a minute. I said, just a minute. I'll put him up. Fine, we're coming. Well, someone is impatient.

What? You can't answer the door dressed like that. What's wrong with how I'm dressed? The apron, it's... You should remove it first. The apron? Oh well, I... Wait a minute. You bought me this apron. I did? As a Christmas Eve present. You said I could open it and wear it while I was cooking the turkey. I sure did. And you assured me that it wasn't anything silly. Of course. John? Author? Is there something offensive or silly on this apron? Are you still blind? You know I am. Then, no. John, you? The door. I know I know. Hold your horses. Telegram for Arthur and John. Oh, hi. Thank you. It's Christmas Eve and you're out delivering mail. Why, of course. The mail never stops. How much do I owe you? How much do I owe you? How much do I owe you? How much do I owe you? How much do I owe you? How much do I owe you? How much do I owe you? How much do I owe you? How much do I owe you? How much do I owe you? How much do I owe you? How much do I owe you? How much do I owe you? How much do I owe you? How much do I owe you? How much do I owe you? How much do I owe you? How much do I owe you? How much do I owe you? How much do I owe you? How much do I owe you? How much do I owe you? How much do I owe you? How much do I owe you? How And that must make the disembodied voice, John! Correct again! Wow! I love you guys! You're my favorite podcast! Thank you. I really must say it's always nice to meet a fan of mine. It's not often then. No, no, no, no, no. I hate you. Oh. I'm a John, Stan.

Well, regardless, thank you for being a fan. And thank you for the telegram. I hope you're nearly done. It's really coming down out there. Oh, yes. You're my last delivery. I'm heading back home for my Christmas Eve tradition of a tour glass of scotch and complaining on the internet. Oh. Good. And here's a bit of advice for you, my good man. Oh. Next time you answer the door, thou wear an apron that says, May I suggest the sausage. Merry Christmas. John? What? It's the only one that came in your size. You are incorrigible. Anyway, the turkey's almost done. The telegram. Oh, yes, of course. Well, what does it say? Dear Arthur and John, stop. The weather has grown worse. Stop. I'm afraid with how dangerous the roads have gotten, stop.

No one is coming. But. But it's Christmas Eve. I suppose that means we're alone for the holidays.

Oh, come on now. Enough of this. Enough of what? Feeling sorry for ourselves, Arthur? Well, you've only been sitting there for a few seconds. Look, Christmas Eve won't be as full as we had hoped, but that doesn't mean we can have a good time, right? I suppose not. And look, who's been through it more than us, hey? That's true. We've been through far west. Of course we have. Remember when you had your femur shattered by the king and yellow, the elder god that I am a fracture of, boy do I. And remember when you stabbed yourself in the throat, just so he wouldn't win, I still do. And remember when you fell down that hole, which hole? Remember falling down holes? You do that all the time, you're okay? Aren't you? A PTSD. Aren't you? Damstrate! Well, then set out of it. We can make this Christmas the best one yet. I know it. All right, dammit. Nothing is going to get us down. Oh, yeah. How about a little bit of this to pick up the mood, eh? Oh, yeah. That's more like it. You know this one? Nope! That's okay! The lyrics are incredibly sexist anyway. Just say it's really cold and don't let me leave. Okay! I really can't stand.

The Arthur's cold outside. This evening has been more warmer than the cold outside.

I don't think that we shot the door, huh? Well the door. Oh someone's at the door. Oh Who's there? They're just outside. Oh come on in Who could be out in a snowstorm like this someone the need of help Oscar! Oscar, old friend. How are you doing? How's the church? Please come in. Won yourself by the fire. Thank you. Thank you boys. It's Christmas Eve Oscar. Genubian church with the church. Goers? Are the people who believe in God or whatever? Yes, John, I should, but... Well, damn it all the hell if the roads aren't plowed. What do you mean? They can't get the church. No, they can't. What's more is, I have a whole group of children at the church waiting for their parents and the audience. Audience. So you left them all there. It's the children's choir performance tonight. And no one is there. Well, how can we help? No way I can think of. Unless you have a way to clear snow or a way to bring all the visitors to the church safely. Wait a minute. Wait. Ah. Wait. He's got an idea. Oh, yes. What are all those famous ideas? Come on, everyone. You should... Thank you. Thank you.

I have it. Well, why is it? Do you remember when we closed the terror in the universe at the Alan Farm? Of course, sure do. Well, if we reopen it, the parents should be able to enter a gateway on their side, cross through the dimension of pain and exit right back into the church. They wouldn't even have to brave the snow! Only the unspeakable horrors of the other planes. Or through your brilliant. Oh, but we don't have the book or the pages. Don't we? John kept them on our shelf of oddities. Don't worry. They're all here. Thank you, boys. This is... It's a Christmas miracle. You get all those parents to their children safe and sound. Okay? I can't guarantee safe or sound. Baal try. So you... Oscar? Yes? Oscar. Oh. Yes? After the concert... Do you have any word to be? Sadly, no. I don't think I have plans this Christmas Eve. You do now. As soon as you're done there, you come back here for a turkey dinner that will change your life. It's a dinner date. Travel safe, Oscar. Wish me luck. Bye, Oscar. Bye. Goodbye. Ah. That fell. Good. The holiday season is about helping others, Arthur. You taught me that. Hey, we both taught each other that. Now, what do you say we finish up that turkey and get ready for us? Oh no, what now? The power, Arthur. No power means no radio. Or no Christmas lights. Or no Christmas dinner. Ah, the turkey. It'll be ruined. And now we have a guest coming too. Oh no.

Okay, okay, other lights on now nope It's hopeless Arthur. We're many things, but handy we are not. Speak for yourself. I have at least one hand. An eye on the other. Wait, right. Without the power, we don't have a chance in hell at finishing that turkey in time for dinner. Oh, damn this snowstorm. It's not the weather's fault, Arthur. It's mine. What? Why? Well, I never told you this. But, well, a part of me wanted Christmas just with you and me. John, as friends, canonically just friends. Of course, that part of this is care, obviously. But, you know, it feels like having a little time to chat about everything that's happened to, and reminisce about the hero. Well, it felt like that's what Christmas was about. Well, you're not wrong. After all, this is my first real Christmas. Wait. You're so right. How did I not realize it? I mean, I was there when Jesus was crucified. Well, we need to give you a proper Christmas along with the lights on the trees and the smell of roast turkey. Come hell or high water. Thanks, Arthur. But what can we do? I don't know. What we really need, is a... Not a visit. It's so late. Almost due to her. Should we let them in? I don't see why not. Who is it? An old friend. An old friend. Well, the season is about friends, after all. Let them in. Hey, boys! Eddie! Eddie, we thought that we should... I don't know. Funny thing about that. See, you have the most perfect time. I guessed as much. I was walking by the house, and I saw that your Christmas lights weren't on. And I thought, if anyone needs a little Christmas cheer, it's either Lester and that rascal inside his nugget, John. You're a god-sand, Eddie. And I got who sent me. Well, the box is over here by the bookshelf. So need to get up against the wall here, and The lights! They're back on! Eddie, you fixed the power! Eddie, you're a miracle worker. Ah, what can I say? I'm a maintenance man for a reason. Wow, Eddie. We don't know how to thank you. Where are you headed now? Ah, no we're in particular. I hear it is a good bar down the street. I made drink my sorrows away at... Eddie? Hmm, huh? John and I would be on it. If you would stay and have dinner with us tonight. You mean it? No fooling? Of course we mean it. It's the least we can do after I killed you. Wow. Thanks, boys. You really are all about the spirit of giving this year. What the hell? I'll do it. Let me drop my stuff off at the car and I'll be back in time for the bird to hit the dinner table. We can't wait for you, sir. Thank you, too. This is truly a Christmas miracle. See you soon. Well, it looks like our holiday fiasco is turning out to be quite the event. Oscar Eddie? Hey, maybe it won't be too quiet after all. I'm sorry, I know you want it. No, Arthur. What I really want is an authentic Christmas experience. I'm not exactly what we're going to have! Get down there. Well, put the power back on, I might as well go check on the techie. Good call. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Well, that's okay, right? What is Christmas without music, John? It's the most important part. To me, at least, all the beautiful soft melodies and tunes you have me around. But I just... I don't think I can play. We'll have to find another solution. I'm sure something will happen. I'm sure something will happen. Yeah. Another person trapped in the storm should we ignore it. It's Christmas Eve. Let's help them out. Agreed. Hello?

Wow. It's holiday recording artist Christian Noel Peterson.

We don't have a phone, but we do have a Christmas spirit in abundance. Only. Only what Arthur? Only Arthur's hardest hand and can't play piano. And what is Christmas without?

Wow.

We'd be on a Christian.

Thank you, Christian. That was remarkable.

Do you need to use the phone still? No, what are they?

Thank you, Christian. You saved this Christmas Eve.

All right, Christian, my Christian. Well, the turkey's almost ready. The mashed potatoes and brown clouten are all but done. Are you okay? You seem a little sad. There's an empty chair tonight. No matter who couldn't calm or will come, it'll still be empty.

Are they going to know who's sure that belongs to? It's always a difficult time of year. But I know deep down that. But I know deep down that... Oh my god. Oh my god. What is the line? I don't know. Oh, it's something about... I don't know deep down that I'm not alone or something. Fuck.

Just make it up. Quickly, before! God damn it! Three hours, I can't view. Three whole hours, while I assembled this audience. Tattatt! Daddy's talking. You couldn't learn 3,000 simple words. Arthur, Lester, come now. This is easy. The chair, but I know deep down that I'm never alone. Never alone. Sorry, Kane. I... I... I... I... Kane, he... Zip it! Sparkles. You two are just lesser versions of the man himself, so play your parts. How I write them. And make it sing. We're trying up. Why did I just... Don't author. You just go in. To law up your heads and replace you with another version of Arthur from another timeline. Yes! You took the words right out of my mouth, yellow jacket. Now... Look! You made the audience uncomfortable? Look at all their bleeding faces. Oh, you know how long it took me to make them. Mindless empty shelves. All right, you know what? Rewards. Here. Just read from this. I rewrote the ending to have a little more color. Kazma, let's face it. Your boys are just a bit milk toast. Milk toast. Take it from after Christian leaves. Okay? Okay, good. And you all forget you saw any of this. Um, well, the turkey's almost ready. The mashed potatoes and runed kooten are all done, but... Are you okay? You seem a little sad. There's a chair empty tonight. No matter who couldn't come or will come. It'll still be empty because... We should get the door. Yes. Wait, John. That chair won't be empty anymore. War. He's finally come. Kane, you're here. Hey boys. Kane. I couldn't miss out on another holiday event with my boys. I'm so glad you came. Finally, after all these years. I just wanted to see you, Hardy. And look, I brought Eddie and Oscar. Hey, I'm here to be our firm, John. Hopefully I've got the kids with me from the children's castle. Oh, yeah. Their flesh is melted with the alien world upon moving through the outer dimension. But her voices can sing still. Shall we hear them sing? Yes, sing a song for all of us. Wow. Well, it turns out that this is the best Christmas Eve ever with Eddie, Oscar, and even Kane. John, do you feel the spirit? More than ever, Arthur. Well, then I suppose we should all sit down for dinner. And from our malevolent family to yours, Merry Christmas! Well done everyone!

Well, it's a little dry or a third.

Welcome to sincerely Sloan, presented by Uninterrupted. I'm your host, professional tennis player, wife, parents, and entrepreneur Sloan Stevens. As an athlete and as a person, my journey has had a lot of twists and turns for moments of adversity and doubt to unimaginable triumph and satisfaction. Throughout the season, I'm joined by some of the biggest names and sports entertainment, culture, and a few members of my tribe. Our conversations keep it real and push it past skin deep. We reveal the perspectives, routines, and products that allow each of us to show up at our best. Joining me on my journey of self-discovery and many, many laughs along the way, sincerely, slung.