Transcript for The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You

Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I am so glad that you're here with me today. It is always such an honor to get to spend some time with you. And I want to start by acknowledging you for choosing to list and or watch something that is going to help you create a better life. I think that's just super cool that you're taking time for yourself. And it's a real honor to spend that time with you. And if you're brand new to the Melbourne's podcast, welcome to the family. I'm Mel. And I'm an omission to empower and inspire you with tools and the expert resources that you need to create a better life. And today, You and I are going to talk about romantic relationships. I mean, let's face it. Romantic relationships are not only a critically important part of creating a meaningful and profound life. but they can be so complicated. And just a couple months ago, I stumbled upon this concept. It's incredible. It's called the four levels of a relationship. And it literally blew my mind and you need to learn this. The four levels are relevant. whether you're single, like so many of my friends or two of our adult children or single or they're also relevant, whether you're in a relationship and you're not sure. Is this the right person? Is this going to work out? The four levels are going to blow your mind. And if you're married like me, you need to know these levels because you just assume that your relationship is going to go to the distance. Well, just because you have a ring on your finger or the person sleeps next to you every single night and bed, that doesn't mean it's going to last. And if you don't know what level you're on, it's not going to last. In fact, the most dangerous mistake that you can make in a relationship is not knowing What level your partner is on versus what level you're on and being on different levels creates all the friction and problem in your relationships. So today you are learning this game changing framework and I cannot wait for you to hear this for you to use this and for you to share this with the people that you love. This episode is brought to you by PNC Bank. Something should be boring, like banking. Boring is steady and reliable. You don't want your bank to be constantly changing. Constant change is for podcasts about personal growth, not for banks. PNC Bank strives to be boring with your money, so you can be fulfilled with your life. PNC Bank brilliantly boring since 1865. Brilliantly boring, since 1865 is a service mark of the PNC Financial Services Group Inc. PNC Bank National Association member FDIC. We got a really great news sponsor, it's homest.com. Let me tell you about homest.com. First of all, I love real estate. I love looking at real estate. If you are looking to move, you need to go to homest.com. Why? Because it's more than just browsing and shopping for new homes. Homest has everything that you need in order to buy a home, move to a new home. all there on one site. You want to know a neighborhood without ever stepping foot in it? Well, homes.com has comprehensive neighborhood details. Whenever you find a home you love, share it. Homes.com's unique collaboration tools let you exchange notes on listings and even create photo-inspoboards with your family or your friends. And for all of you that are moving with kids and you want to know more about the local school system, homes.com's detailed school information, covers everything you need to know to find the right schools for your kids and you can also get the perfect agent because homes.com has agent directory and profiles and the best part homes.com features the listing agent on every listing so you can easily connect with them after stalking the home and figuring out which ones you like without having to scramble to find contact info. Go to homes.com to learn more. We've done your homework. Hey, it's your friend, Mal. At a couple months ago, I stumbled upon this concept called the four levels of a romantic relationship. And it literally blew my mind. So I picked up the phone and I reached out to the guy who created it. His name is Matthew Hussey. He's a New York Times bestselling author. And he has been helping people for more than 17 years to feel more confident in in control of their relationships every day. More than 3 million people turned a Matthew Hussie for relationship advice on his YouTube channel, which is dedicated to helping you create a better love life. And I cannot wait to jump into this conversation because I am certain that his four-level framework is the best relationship advice that nobody has ever told you. So without further ado, please help me welcome Matthew Hussie to the Melorovans podcast. Oh my gosh, you're in the house. I can't believe it.

Oh, have you? Yeah.

Well, I've been waiting for you, too, because you run the number one channel for advice on all of you, too. And I cannot wait to learn from you. I can't wait for the person who's listening to learn. And here's where I want to start. You have this incredible framework that you use when you're coaching people on relationships using four levels. It's called the four levels of a relationship. Can you explain it?

I love this concept in this framework because if you don't know what level you're in, no wonder your relationship isn't working. Let's go through these levels one by one and really break them down.

Yes, so this is level two and it's dangerous.

This is painful. Well, I shouldn't say it's painful. I'm thinking on behalf of so many of the listeners who are single in their 20s and 30s and 40s in online dating because I would imagine that there's a tremendous amount of confusion between level two and level three. And my next question is how the hell do you know if you're in level three? How do you know if somebody

So let's roll play. So I'm in we're in a level two relationship. Yeah. And I want to commitment. I'm scared to death to ask you. I don't know how many other people you're dating. We've kind of been in that zone where we're hooking up and we're going out on dates and I feel like it's vibing and I now. I don't even know what the language is anymore. That's how old I am. Do we say monogamous? Do we say exclusive? Do we say that we're like? dating heaven forbid is that not work we use like I don't know every time I would say something to my daughters like okay, okay, I don't know what the turn of college is. Anyhow. We're in a level two. How do I bring this up with you? Can you give me the sentence mat?

You know, Matt. I am having a great time with you. I feel like I'm on the Bachelor. I am having a great time with you, but I just got out of a long-term relationship, and I don't want to hurt you. I'd like to still see you. But this is why these are hard covers.

There's a couple things I want to pull out that I think are incredibly important that I noticed and I wonder if it was on purpose. First of all, I loved that you didn't say that you liked me. You specifically said you liked the time that we had spent together. That left you, like playing the person that's not as interested in the level two. I'm not ready to go to level three. Hearing that you like the time made you seem stronger and more confident because you weren't sounding like, hey, I really like you. Do you like me? And fishing for an answer. And then when you said, you use the word energy. You didn't use the word I'm looking for a commitment. I'm looking for monogamy. You didn't use those words that feel like you're locking someone down. The way that the coaching went that you just gave us in the script that you can now play and you should repeat in your dating and your relationship life was one where you said, I value my energy. And I know myself and I want to put my energy into things that are going somewhere. And so I want to have that conversation because this has been a lot of fun and I enjoy spending time with you. But I want to make sure that, you know, I want to check in with you because I don't want to date a lot of other people. And as you were saying, like, you remained powerful in that because you weren't actually looking for me to say, I like you back. You were looking for clarification on whether or not this was worth your time. And so that was super important for you listening to understand the nuance of that massively different.

You're also not turning yourself into the loser. I think here's the thing that's really helpful about level one, which is, oh, I see that person over there is super attractive, but there's nothing mutual. Level two, which is this mutual connection and attraction and chemistry. And then if you want to try to go to level three, which is where you have a mutual commitment, that's where you have to have the conversation and starting to understand for yourself, not where is the other person, but where am I? The second that you start to feel in a relationship where you're giving more than you're comfortable, where you're unsure of where somebody stands, where you're starting to get sketchy about stalking people in terms of legally on there, you know where they are, they're on their hand, you know when you're doing that. It's time to have the conversation you're avoiding, which is this is to a point where I got to be clear about whether or not it's worth me investing energy in, because I think we all know that point for ourselves where we tip into either super-cliny insecure or sort of like resentful like anger mode. And you don't want to be there because it's not the other person's fault that they don't want to give you a commitment. It's your fault if you continue to show up to something that isn't actually

Matthew, I want to take a quick break right now and let everything you've already taught us and shared sink in. And while you're listening to the sponsors, just kind of think about what you're already learning about this four-level framework and reflect on yourself. And when we come back, we're going to talk about why it's so hard to realize that you're not level three, even. You're stuck in level two. And this is why it's dangerous. So don't you dare go anywhere because it would be dangerous for you to not get this information. Stay with us. If you're in the market for a new car, I need you to listen up, especially for all my adventure seekers who are listening. If you embrace the impossible, the Defender 110 is up for the adventure. This iconic vehicle now has a cool and sleek modern design. The Defender capability is legendary. Whether you're facing off with challenges or harsh winter conditions, hey, you verminers, I'm looking for you. The Defender 110, let's you go further and do more. Built for the modern explorer. Cargo capacity means more room for your gear to drive the defender is to explore with greater confidence. Plus, they have an awesome driver display camera technologies for anyone who can't parallel park like me. No matter the size of your family, the Defender is for you. The Defender family features the two-door Defender 90, the Defender 110, and the Defender 130 which seats up to eight. A vehicle made to go further, the Defender 110. Learn more at landroverusa.com slash Defender. So I got a question for you. Are you a shoes on or a shoes off in the house kind of person? Well, let me tell you. I'm a shoes off, especially once I saw like how much dirt and grist stuff comes into the house because of your shoes on. Well, my husband Chris, he knows better. But since he got his new sneakers from Sockany, you would think those puppies were glued to his feet. I mean, he wears them walk in the dogs, he wears them running errands, he wears them all day long at his desk in the kitchen, even in the bedroom. I've never seen this man so obsessed with his sneakers. But I don't blame him. Sockinies are the sneaker for daily comfort that we all want in a shoe. Their brand-spaken new Triumph 22 sneakers offer the most premium cushioning and their sleekest design yet. So if you're looking for a new running shoe, a walking shoe, and every day's shoe, or all of the above, check out Sockany. Shop new Triumph 22 styles at Sockany.com You want to know a fun fact about Mel Robbins? When I eat a banana, my blood sugar spikes. You want to know how I know that? Because one of the sponsors of this podcast, it's called Nutrosense. So Nutrosense is this tiny little device that you put in the back of your arm and it monitors your glucose levels 247. And here's what's really cool about it. It gives you real time view of how your body is responding. to specific foods and beverages that you're drinking. And so there's no guessing. Plus, with Nutrisense's app, you track how you feel. And a nutrition consultant helps you take steps to feel better. It is so cool. The consultants, the nutritionists, they're not playing around. They use your data to back everything that they are recommending. So it's personalized. It's on point. And it's going to empower you to get healthier. Nutrousense, not just another health trend. It is the real deal. If you're looking for results and science back information about your health, head over to Nutrousense.io-mell and get $50 off your first month. That's Nutrousense.io-mell. Welcome back. It's your friend Mal. I'm here with Matthew Hussie. He has been coaching people for 17 years. Our relationships and has the most successful number one ranked YouTube channel on the topic of love and relationships. So Matthew, I really want to dig deeper into hard conversations because they're hard to have.

Okay. Great.

Okay, by all the places you mean like you were like a player so you're dating a bunch of people at the same time or you were

Got, well, I don't know what that means, but level two.

Can I just say some? Yeah. There is no such thing as deep level two. Let me tell you why. There's only level two. I mean, you're like, you're like, letting it be some, it's just level freaking too bad.

Yes. Oh my God. And this is where every human being, like I don't care how old you are, I don't care like gender, whatever. Like this is every one of us has that where if somebody's gone silent and all of a sudden you get that little, you're like, there it is.

about the commitment. Yes. Yes. They're keeping you in level two. I love how simple this is that you're either attracted to somebody, which is admiration that is not interested in you or there's this level two dangerous mode where it is all about the attraction and the game there is to keep you in that lane. 100%. And so you have to know for yourself, which is very clear that your wife Audrey did in that moment that I'm done with level two. And the fact that you probably were pulling away made her realize she wanted to have something that was more certain with you if it was going to continue. And she did the thing that most of us don't do, which is she acted consistently. with somebody who no longer wanted to be in level two, she wanted to be with somebody who was willing to go to level three and have the commitment. And she is also smart and I need every one of you listening to hear me. You will stay in level two for the rest of your damn life. if you're unwilling to have the conversation about level three.

I really want to dig deeper into hard conversations. So don't you go anywhere and by the way, please share this episode with people that you love who need this framework. So with us. If you ever heard that saying, if you love what you do, you will never work a day in your life. But let's be real. You can love what you do and still put in endless hours and lots of hard work, especially if you're a creator like me or an entrepreneur or you're into the online courses. So that's why I want to tell you about our sponsor, Kajabi. Kajabi is the ultimate all-in-one platform that will help you, creators, and small business owners build successful online businesses and unlock predictable, recurring revenue. Whether you want to launch a membership site, a subscription podcast, build a thriving community, launch and sell online courses, or deliver personalized coaching, Kajabi is for you. And Cajabi doesn't take a cut of your revenue. You keep a hundred percent of what you earn. Right now, Cajabi is offering a free 30-day trial to start your business. If you go to cajabi.com-mail, that's k-a-j-a-b-i.com-mell. Go to cajabi.com-mell and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over $7 billion using the platform. Have you ever gone away for a vacation and you get to the place where you're staying, you're like, what? where we thinking. Well, that's never going to happen to you again because you're going to go to our sponsor townplace sweets by Marriott. Check this out. Not only do they have a full freaking kitchen, not a kitchenette. Kitchen light, no full kitchen, and they're pet friendly, free hot breakfast, hello, and free Wi-Fi, but they also have grills that you can use, and you can borrow board games. Holy cow, it's like being at home only in a better location because you're on vacation. Townplace sweets by Marriott has all the amenities you need to feel at home during your stay. Find the comforts of home at townplace sweets, go there with Marriott Bonvoy. Welcome back at your friend, Mel. I'm here with Matthew Hussie and I want to thank you. Thank you for sending this episode to people in your life because I know that this information will help absolutely anybody who learns it to improve their relationships and also improve their relationship with themselves. So Matthew, I love that we're talking about this because I have seen too many of my friends, literally wasted a decade. with somebody and this doesn't have to look like one night stands in dating. This could be somebody that you're living with. That doesn't want to get married or who you keep thinking is going to change your mind on having children with you. And you won't have the conversation. Like the moving from level two to level three is really about the type of commitment you're looking for.

That's a really important point, because we've been focusing on dating, but you're basically saying that you could be trapped in level two for years, because you are in a relationship justifying staying because of the attraction or whatever else, but you don't have the commitment that you deeply in your heart want. Yeah. Holy cow, let's keep digging into level two.

How do you make somebody who's in their 30s or even late 20s? who is starting to panic about this. How do you, how do you coach somebody to have that conversation with themselves? Because we will come in and rationalize, oh, they might change. Oh, I have time. Oh, I could just do this. Oh, I could just do that. And there is a biological reality. If you are somebody who's one of your biggest life goals is to have a family of your own. And, you know, after coaching people for 17 years, you've seen this window close on people.

Well and I also want to broaden this out because what you're actually talking about is the level of honesty you have to have with yourself. to go from level two to level three if it's not happening whether that's dating to moving in or it is living together to engage or engaged to married or whatever or trying harder in a relationship that there is this movement that has to be intentional to get you to the commitment phase. And I can see how, if you don't even know what the hell you want and you're not being honest with yourself, you wouldn't be able to have the conversation in a casual sex situation of saying, hey, I just know myself and I don't want to put my energy into something that isn't actually heading somewhere. And so I just need to check in with you because Having a lot of fun, but I know myself and I prioritize my wellbeing and my time, and I just need to do the check, the gut check now.

I think the mistake that a lot of us make is that we look at a person across or us. And we think even if this isn't up to my standards, I can fix this person, I can twist this person, I can get, we're not thinking this consciously. But if I can get close enough, I can change this. And that is a tactic that will backfire on you. Yes. You've seen it happen over and over again.

What does that mean?

Woohoo! That's... I wish I said that because that's a good one.

Why not?

It's true. I'm in level two. I won't even have that conversation about level three. So definitely I'm going to talk about the weight. I actually need I want to make sure that I get to level four. Yeah. Because when you have the hard conversation and is there a mistake that people make when it comes to level three meaning the commitment piece thinking love is all you need love is not all you need what do you need level four what level four compatibility what is compatibility and your work do we work together How do you know? Because a lot of people don't know, like they want it to work together. But how do you know if it works together?

I'm so glad that we're talking about compatibility because I believe that these is one of those topics that you don't understand compatibility until you meet somebody that you're actually compatible with. And you go, oh, wait a minute. This is so much easier. And when I reflect back on prior relationships where I realized now, I just wasn't compatible. There may have been a commitment there. We were in level three, but the level four piece. There was no compatibility, even though we wanted to be compatible. And here's how I know. There was always so much friction. Like everything felt like an effort. There was underlying agitation, whether we're trying to pick a restaurant or making plans on what to do in a Saturday or like those relationships that you find yourself in where everything that the person does irritates you. That's a sign that you're not compatible. When you're compatible with somebody, it's not that hard. Sure, you fight. Sure, there are things that bother you, but it passes so quickly because there's this energetic match. You know, I'm the kind of person has massive ADHD, and I'm very competitive and hard driving. And the reason why I'm so compatible with my husband is probably because he is a very easy going. very kind kind of person. And if I were with somebody that were more hard driving like me, we'd probably kill each other because there'd be a ton of friction around the energy with us. And so compatibility for me, Matt, really is when It just works. And it's easier to tell when you're not compatible because it's hard. And you're always kind of upset with somebody or walking on egg shells or you don't think like you can be yourself. And I guess the bottom line is that I knew when I met Chris who is the one because I realized, oh my God, I can be exactly who I am and exactly who I'm not. I don't have to pretend. I don't have to work hard to be somebody different to make this work. That is what is at the heart of compatibility that you can be you. And when you find that, you'll know it because it'll be easier than any other relationship you've had in the past because the energy matches. Matthew, what is your message to someone who is really struggling with valuing themselves inside of relationship?

A lot of us are crazy critical of the way our parents raised us. perhaps we should be more critical of how we're raising ourselves. Matthew has seen the new book is a love life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for pouring so much love into us. And I'll tell you that level four thing. One, two, three, four really changed me. I'd never heard that before. I really, truly love that you share that with us and everything else. So congratulations on everything that you're doing. Audrey, thank you for sending that badass text back and letting him know where he was and where he stood and standing for yourself because I think it's a really good blueprint. for how you can raise your standards to and for you listening, I just want to make sure in case nobody else tells you that I tell you that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life and a huge part of that is you. Creating higher standards for how you treat yourself and who you let into your life. And now that you have heard this conversation, you know exactly how to do that, so go do it. I'll talk to you in a few days. All right, great. Awesome. Matthew. share this episode with your friends and and stay with us because I'll be oh my god okay hold on and just go bomb bomb bomb bomb there we go all right here we go great okay let me say one more thing good okay great thank you for the coaching guys really well I would have been pissed if it was as worse how did your standard you would have been pissed if it was second best You know how fucking competitive. No, I'm just kidding. If it wasn't your best, that's on me.

Okay, here we go. Everybody love you. Oh, and one more thing, and no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Core hydration believes that mental and physical wellness starts with balanced hydration. And that's why core hydration is balanced to work in harmony with your body's natural pH. You have to start somewhere, start at the core. It's true. You do have to start somewhere, and you know what I tell you every single day. You got to stop thinking about what you want to do with your life, and you got to just start doing it. So take this as a sign for me and core hydration that you got to stop thinking, and you got to start doing to learn more about core hydration, visit hydratewithcore.com. Tearest Shental Readers. Bridgerton is back. The third season finds longtime friends, Penelope Featherington and Colin Bridgerton. In quite the precarious situation, Colin has offered Penelope help in finding a marriage match. While Penelope has put aside her long, unrequited feelings for Colin, he finds he's not immune to jealousy when their scandalous plan begins producing results. While we'll come of Penelope and Colin, you shall have to watch and see to find out. Watch part one of Brisserton now, only on Netflix.